Steve Jobs' Substitute (with Christopher McDonald)

By

David Young & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. APPLE BOARDROOM - DAY

          A large APPLE LOGO on the wall. MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSPEOPLE
          IN SUITS sit around a conference table, talking. TIM COOK
          (CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD) makes his way to the head of the
          table, organizing some papers, quieting them down.

                              TIM
                    Hello everyone. You may have seen
                    me around the offices, my name is
                    Mr. Cook and I will be running
                    things in Mr. Jobs' absence.

                              FRED
                         (through a FAKE COUGH)
                    You suck.

          Everyone SNICKERS. Fred and JOHN, the man next to him,
          casually high-five. Tim takes a deep breath, looks at a
          paper, then at an EMPTY CHAIR close to him.

                              TIM
                    Does anyone know where Arlene is?
                    Head of Retail?

          Cut to ARLENE. She's sitting at the far side of the table,
          close to ERIC, whose arm is around her.

                              ARLENE
                    I'm over here.

                              TIM
                    Well, according to this-

                              ERIC
                    Mr. Jobs changed the seating chart.

          Arlene blows and pops a huge pink gum bubble.

                              TIM
                         (passively, half to himself)
                    Okay, not supposed to have gum in
                    here.
                         (to the group)
                    I'd like progress reports from
                    everyone. Design Team-
                         (looking at BRUCE)
                    -I'm sorry, I don't think we've
                    met. Your name is-

                              BRUCE
                    Oh, uh, Spongebob.
                         (stifling laughter)
                    Spongebob, uh- Squarepants.

          Everyone laughs. Tim is not amused.

                              TIM
                    Okay, we have some comedians in the
                    room. I love comedy, but uh, right
                    now let's focus up. What's your
                    team working on?

                              BRUCE
                    The, uh... the iFart.

          Bruce looks to his coworkers for approval. They stifle more
          laughter, coughing, secretly high-fiving, etc.

                              TIM
                    I see. And what does that do?

          Bruce does a HUGE TWO-HANDED HAND FART. Everyone laughs.

                              TIM
                    Walked right into that one.
                    Marketing, your storyboards were
                    due today?

                              DIANE
                    I don't have them.

                              TIM
                    And why's that?

                              DIANE
                    I stuffed them up my butt, sir.

          Everyone laughs.

                              HORACE
                    Mr. Jobs lets us leave at 3:30 on
                    Wednesdays.

                              CHRIS
                    Also he usually lets us watch
                    movies.

                              TIM
                    Well, you're in luck, because we
                    actually do need to video
                    conference with the software team
                    about the iPhone 5's cloud
                    capabilities.

          Tim turns to a wall switch with various buttons, confused.

                              TIM
                    Does anybody know how Mr. Jobs
                    turned on the video screen?

                              FRED
                    Oh, the button's under the table,
                    where you were standing.

          Tim walks back and reaches under the table. He brings his
          hand back out: it's covered in CHEWED GUM. Laughter.

                              ARLENE
                    Thought you weren't supposed to
                    have gum in here!

                              ERIC
                    Good one, babe.

          Tim grumbles and walks back to the wall switch. Once his
          back is turned, Bruce runs up and starts AIR-HUMPING HIM
          from behind, tongue out.
          Everyone struggles not to laugh out loud.

          Bruce backs off. A CHROME MACBOOK flies through the air and
          SMASHES against the wall next to Tim.

                              TIM
                    Okay who threw a MacBook?

          Everyone sits in INNOCENT SILENCE. Back on Tim: midway
          through the following speech, a RED LASER POINTER DOT
          appears on Tim's head, trembling slightly. It's Diane with
          the pointer. It lowers to Tim's crotch, and laughter grows.

                              TIM
                    Alright, I realize that you all
                    probably miss Mr. Jobs, but, I am
                    in charge now, and I deserve to be
                    treated with respect. Now the
                    sooner we get through our work, the
                    sooner we can go enjoy this
                    beautiful day. What is so funny?
                         (notices; covers crotch)
                    Oh, for crying out loud!

                              HORACE
                    Can I go to the nurse?

                              TIM
                    Why?

                              HORACE
                    'Cause I'm allergic to dumb idiots.
                    Ya dumb idiot!

          Big laughter from the group.

                              TIM
                    That's it! Listen to me - Design,
                    Software, Finance, we are playing
                    the Silent Game. The first person
                    to speak loses.
                         (SILENCE... then:)
                    Good.

                              ARLENE
                    You lost.

                              ERIC
                         (over coworkers' laughter)
                    Good one, babe.

          HOOTS AND HOLLERS. CHAOS. Tim is defeated.

                              TIM
                    Alright, you know what? Fine. We'll
                    play Heads-Up Seven-Up.

          The businesspeople CHEER.

          END.