It's Mr. Cook, but you can call him Tim.
By David Young & Dan Gurewitch
INT. APPLE BOARDROOM - DAY
A large APPLE LOGO on the wall. MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSPEOPLE
IN SUITS sit around a conference table, talking. TIM COOK
(CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD) makes his way to the head of the
table, organizing some papers, quieting them down.
Hello everyone. You may have seen
me around the offices, my name is
Mr. Cook and I will be running
things in Mr. Jobs' absence.
(through a FAKE COUGH)
Everyone SNICKERS. Fred and JOHN, the man next to him,
casually high-five. Tim takes a deep breath, looks at a
paper, then at an EMPTY CHAIR close to him.
Does anyone know where Arlene is?
Head of Retail?
Cut to ARLENE. She's sitting at the far side of the table,
close to ERIC, whose arm is around her.
I'm over here.
Well, according to this-
Mr. Jobs changed the seating chart.
Arlene blows and pops a huge pink gum bubble.
(passively, half to himself)
Okay, not supposed to have gum in
(to the group)
I'd like progress reports from
everyone. Design Team-
(looking at BRUCE)
-I'm sorry, I don't think we've
met. Your name is-
Oh, uh, Spongebob.
Spongebob, uh- Squarepants.
Everyone laughs. Tim is not amused.
Okay, we have some comedians in the
room. I love comedy, but uh, right
now let's focus up. What's your
team working on?
The, uh... the iFart.
Bruce looks to his coworkers for approval. They stifle more
laughter, coughing, secretly high-fiving, etc.
I see. And what does that do?
Bruce does a HUGE TWO-HANDED HAND FART. Everyone laughs.
Walked right into that one.
Marketing, your storyboards were
I don't have them.
And why's that?
I stuffed them up my butt, sir.
Mr. Jobs lets us leave at 3:30 on
Also he usually lets us watch
Well, you're in luck, because we
actually do need to video
conference with the software team
about the iPhone 5's cloud
Tim turns to a wall switch with various buttons, confused.
Does anybody know how Mr. Jobs
turned on the video screen?
Oh, the button's under the table,
where you were standing.
Tim walks back and reaches under the table. He brings his
hand back out: it's covered in CHEWED GUM. Laughter.
Thought you weren't supposed to
have gum in here!
Good one, babe.
Tim grumbles and walks back to the wall switch. Once his
back is turned, Bruce runs up and starts AIR-HUMPING HIM
from behind, tongue out.
Everyone struggles not to laugh out loud.
Bruce backs off. A CHROME MACBOOK flies through the air and
SMASHES against the wall next to Tim.
Okay who threw a MacBook?
Everyone sits in INNOCENT SILENCE. Back on Tim: midway
through the following speech, a RED LASER POINTER DOT
appears on Tim's head, trembling slightly. It's Diane with
the pointer. It lowers to Tim's crotch, and laughter grows.
Alright, I realize that you all
probably miss Mr. Jobs, but, I am
in charge now, and I deserve to be
treated with respect. Now the
sooner we get through our work, the
sooner we can go enjoy this
beautiful day. What is so funny?
(notices; covers crotch)
Oh, for crying out loud!
Can I go to the nurse?
'Cause I'm allergic to dumb idiots.
Ya dumb idiot!
Big laughter from the group.
That's it! Listen to me - Design,
Software, Finance, we are playing
the Silent Game. The first person
to speak loses.
(over coworkers' laughter)
Good one, babe.
HOOTS AND HOLLERS. CHAOS. Tim is defeated.
Alright, you know what? Fine. We'll
play Heads-Up Seven-Up.
The businesspeople CHEER.