Steve Jobs' Substitute (with Christopher McDonald)
By David Young & Dan Gurewitch
INT. APPLE BOARDROOM - DAY
A large APPLE LOGO on the wall. MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSPEOPLE
IN SUITS sit around a conference table, talking. TIM COOK
(CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD) makes his way to the head of the
table, organizing some papers, quieting them down.
TIM
Hello everyone. You may have seen
me around the offices, my name is
Mr. Cook and I will be running
things in Mr. Jobs' absence.
FRED
(through a FAKE COUGH)
You suck.
Everyone SNICKERS. Fred and JOHN, the man next to him,
casually high-five. Tim takes a deep breath, looks at a
paper, then at an EMPTY CHAIR close to him.
TIM
Does anyone know where Arlene is?
Head of Retail?
Cut to ARLENE. She's sitting at the far side of the table,
close to ERIC, whose arm is around her.
ARLENE
I'm over here.
TIM
Well, according to this-
ERIC
Mr. Jobs changed the seating chart.
Arlene blows and pops a huge pink gum bubble.
TIM
(passively, half to himself)
Okay, not supposed to have gum in
here.
(to the group)
I'd like progress reports from
everyone. Design Team-
(looking at BRUCE)
-I'm sorry, I don't think we've
met. Your name is-
BRUCE
Oh, uh, Spongebob.
(stifling laughter)
Spongebob, uh- Squarepants.
Everyone laughs. Tim is not amused.
TIM
Okay, we have some comedians in the
room. I love comedy, but uh, right
now let's focus up. What's your
team working on?
BRUCE
The, uh... the iFart.
Bruce looks to his coworkers for approval. They stifle more
laughter, coughing, secretly high-fiving, etc.
TIM
I see. And what does that do?
Bruce does a HUGE TWO-HANDED HAND FART. Everyone laughs.
TIM
Walked right into that one.
Marketing, your storyboards were
due today?
DIANE
I don't have them.
TIM
And why's that?
DIANE
I stuffed them up my butt, sir.
Everyone laughs.
HORACE
Mr. Jobs lets us leave at 3:30 on
Wednesdays.
CHRIS
Also he usually lets us watch
movies.
TIM
Well, you're in luck, because we
actually do need to video
conference with the software team
about the iPhone 5's cloud
capabilities.
Tim turns to a wall switch with various buttons, confused.
TIM
Does anybody know how Mr. Jobs
turned on the video screen?
FRED
Oh, the button's under the table,
where you were standing.
Tim walks back and reaches under the table. He brings his
hand back out: it's covered in CHEWED GUM. Laughter.
ARLENE
Thought you weren't supposed to
have gum in here!
ERIC
Good one, babe.
Tim grumbles and walks back to the wall switch. Once his
back is turned, Bruce runs up and starts AIR-HUMPING HIM
from behind, tongue out.
Everyone struggles not to laugh out loud.
Bruce backs off. A CHROME MACBOOK flies through the air and
SMASHES against the wall next to Tim.
TIM
Okay who threw a MacBook?
Everyone sits in INNOCENT SILENCE. Back on Tim: midway
through the following speech, a RED LASER POINTER DOT
appears on Tim's head, trembling slightly. It's Diane with
the pointer. It lowers to Tim's crotch, and laughter grows.
TIM
Alright, I realize that you all
probably miss Mr. Jobs, but, I am
in charge now, and I deserve to be
treated with respect. Now the
sooner we get through our work, the
sooner we can go enjoy this
beautiful day. What is so funny?
(notices; covers crotch)
Oh, for crying out loud!
HORACE
Can I go to the nurse?
TIM
Why?
HORACE
'Cause I'm allergic to dumb idiots.
Ya dumb idiot!
Big laughter from the group.
TIM
That's it! Listen to me - Design,
Software, Finance, we are playing
the Silent Game. The first person
to speak loses.
(SILENCE... then:)
Good.
ARLENE
You lost.
ERIC
(over coworkers' laughter)
Good one, babe.
HOOTS AND HOLLERS. CHAOS. Tim is defeated.
TIM
Alright, you know what? Fine. We'll
play Heads-Up Seven-Up.
The businesspeople CHEER.
END.
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Script
Steve Jobs' Substitute (with Christopher McDonald)
INT. APPLE BOARDROOM - DAY A large APPLE LOGO on the wall. MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSPEOPLE IN SUITS sit around a conference table, talking. TIM COOK (CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD) makes his way to the head of the table, organizing some papers, quieting them down. TIM Hello everyone. You may have seen me around the offices, my name is Mr. Cook and I will be running things in Mr. Jobs' absence. FRED (through a FAKE COUGH) You suck. Everyone SNICKERS. Fred and JOHN, the man next to him, casually high-five. Tim takes a deep breath, looks at a paper, then at an EMPTY CHAIR close to him. TIM Does anyone know where Arlene is? Head of Retail? Cut to ARLENE. She's sitting at the far side of the table, close to ERIC, whose arm is around her. ARLENE I'm over here. TIM Well, according to this- ERIC Mr. Jobs changed the seating chart. Arlene blows and pops a huge pink gum bubble. TIM (passively, half to himself) Okay, not supposed to have gum in here. (to the group) I'd like progress reports from everyone. Design Team- (looking at BRUCE) -I'm sorry, I don't think we've met. Your name is- BRUCE Oh, uh, Spongebob. (stifling laughter) Spongebob, uh- Squarepants. Everyone laughs. Tim is not amused. TIM Okay, we have some comedians in the room. I love comedy, but uh, right now let's focus up. What's your team working on? BRUCE The, uh... the iFart. Bruce looks to his coworkers for approval. They stifle more laughter, coughing, secretly high-fiving, etc. TIM I see. And what does that do? Bruce does a HUGE TWO-HANDED HAND FART. Everyone laughs. TIM Walked right into that one. Marketing, your storyboards were due today? DIANE I don't have them. TIM And why's that? DIANE I stuffed them up my butt, sir. Everyone laughs. HORACE Mr. Jobs lets us leave at 3:30 on Wednesdays. CHRIS Also he usually lets us watch movies. TIM Well, you're in luck, because we actually do need to video conference with the software team about the iPhone 5's cloud capabilities. Tim turns to a wall switch with various buttons, confused. TIM Does anybody know how Mr. Jobs turned on the video screen? FRED Oh, the button's under the table, where you were standing. Tim walks back and reaches under the table. He brings his hand back out: it's covered in CHEWED GUM. Laughter. ARLENE Thought you weren't supposed to have gum in here! ERIC Good one, babe. Tim grumbles and walks back to the wall switch. Once his back is turned, Bruce runs up and starts AIR-HUMPING HIM from behind, tongue out. Everyone struggles not to laugh out loud. Bruce backs off. A CHROME MACBOOK flies through the air and SMASHES against the wall next to Tim. TIM Okay who threw a MacBook? Everyone sits in INNOCENT SILENCE. Back on Tim: midway through the following speech, a RED LASER POINTER DOT appears on Tim's head, trembling slightly. It's Diane with the pointer. It lowers to Tim's crotch, and laughter grows. TIM Alright, I realize that you all probably miss Mr. Jobs, but, I am in charge now, and I deserve to be treated with respect. Now the sooner we get through our work, the sooner we can go enjoy this beautiful day. What is so funny? (notices; covers crotch) Oh, for crying out loud! HORACE Can I go to the nurse? TIM Why? HORACE 'Cause I'm allergic to dumb idiots. Ya dumb idiot! Big laughter from the group. TIM That's it! Listen to me - Design, Software, Finance, we are playing the Silent Game. The first person to speak loses. (SILENCE... then:) Good. ARLENE You lost. ERIC (over coworkers' laughter) Good one, babe. HOOTS AND HOLLERS. CHAOS. Tim is defeated. TIM Alright, you know what? Fine. We'll play Heads-Up Seven-Up. The businesspeople CHEER. END.Credits
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