Jurassic Park Character's Awful Realization

By

Sarah Schneider

          EXT. T-REX PADDOCK - NIGHT

          DR. ALAN GRANT, DR. ELLIE SATTLER, DR. IAN MALCOLM, LEX,
          TIM, and lawyer DONALD GENNARO crouch, terrified, behind a
          JURASSIC PARK SUV.  A T-REX stands behind the van, roaring. 
          It's raining.

                              LEX
                    What do we do!?

                              GRANT
                    Just keep calm, Lex. She can't see
                    us if we don't move.

                              SATTLER
                    Alan, we have to get the children
                    to safety.  Mr. Gennaro-

          Gennaro looks up.  He is a total pussy.

                              SATTLER (CONT'D)
                    -take this flare and distract the
                    T-Rex.

                              GENNARO
                    What?  That's suicide!

                              SATTLER
                    I promise, nothing is going to
                    happen to you. 

          Grant and Sattler eye each other and nod in agreement.

                              GENNARO
                         (realizing)
                    Wait a second.  I'm only here to
                    die, aren't I? 

                              GRANT
                    Of course not.  You're a very
                    important character

                              GENNARO
                    Oh really?  What's my first name?

          They all struggle to remember.

                              EVERYONE
                    Mark?/Martin?/It's a "ma" sound.

                              GENNARO
                    DONALD.

                              GRANT
                    Right. And you're just as important
                    to the story as the rest of us.

                              GENNARO
                    The lawyer?  Yeah right. What are
                    you?

                              GRANT
                    I'm a world renowned
                    paleontologist. I know more about
                    dinosaurs than anyone alive.

                              GENNARO
                    Uh-huh, and you?

                              SATTLER
                    Paleobotanist. Also extremely
                    knowledgeable about dinosaurs.

                              MALCOLM
                    I'm a chaos theorist.

                              GENNARO
                    Well that doesn't sound so
                    important.  Here, you take the
                    flare.

                              MALCOLM
                    Yes, but, you see, I'm also the
                    only one who questioned, uh, the
                    whole "meddling with nature" thing,
                    so now I have to stick around to
                    rub it in everyone's face.

          Grant and Sattler chuckle.

                              GENNARO
                    Oh great, and you're the comic
                    relief?  Give me a break.

          Gennaro turns to the kids.

                              GENNARO (CONT'D)
                         (dry)
                    Obviously you two aren't going
                    anywhere. You're children.

                              LEX
                    But I'm also a computer genius.

                              GENNARO
                    How are you a computer genius? 
                    You're 11.

                              MALCOLM
                    Good idea, be mean to the children.
                    That'll help you stick around.

          The T-Rex nudges the van with his nose and the group swings
          around with it for a beat.  Once settled:

                              GRANT
                    Mr. Gennaro, if I have any chance
                    of learning to love these children,
                    I'm going to need your help in
                    saving them.

                              GENNARO
                    If you love them so much, why don't
                    you throw the flare?

                              GRANT
                    Well I don't love them yet.

                              SATTLER
                         (looking at him lovingly)
                    But you will.

                              GENNARO
                    Oh great, and you two are an item
                    too? This just keeps getting worse.

                              MALCOLM
                    I told you, this whole thing was a
                    mistake!

                              GENNARO
                    Save it for the ending, Malcolm.

          Malcolm puts his hands up ("okay, okay"). Gennaro picks up
          the flare.

                              GENNARO (CONT'D)
                    Listen, there's got to be another
                    way. If we just put our heads
                    togeth-whoa!

          Grant pushes Gennaro out from behind the car, lighting the
          flare as he stumbles out.  The T-Rex, noticing the movement,
          immediately starts running towards him. Gennaro shrieks and
          starts running away, but suddenly has an idea and stops.

                              GENNARO
                         (yelling)
                    Wait! I'm the only one here who
                    knows the park's layout!

          The T-Rex freezes.

                              GRANT
                    Don't worry, we can just wing it.

          The T-Rex resumes the chase.

                              GENNARO
                         (a little more panicked)
                    Wait wait! I'm an excellent
                    lock-picker and you might need that
                    later!

          The T-Rex freezes.

                              SATTLER
                    Actually, the locks are computer
                    operated, so...

          She motions to Lex, who waves at Gennaro smugly.
                    

          The T-Rex resumes the chase.  She is almost upon Gennaro.

                              GENNARO
                         (last ditch effort)
                    I'm the secret father of those
                    children!

          The T-Rex freezes literally right in front of Gennaro.

                              MALCOLM
                         (to children)
                    Is this true?

                              TIM
                         (weirded out)
                    Our father's name is Howard.  He's
                    in Portland.

          The T-Rex reaches down and eats Gennaro whole.

                              GRANT
                         (to Malcolm)
                    Oh, and we're gonna need to mess up
                    your leg so you're laid up for the
                    rest of the movie.  Sorry.

                              MALCOLM
                    No worries.  I know I'm only funny
                    in small doses.