(Channon sits in her office. Her friends Erin, Michelle and Hannah approach)
Erin: Hey Channon, you're coming out with us tonight, right?
Channon: I can't, I have spreadsheets.
Michelle: You know what's gonna be there, don't you?
(Channon and the girls exchange a series of very knowing looks. It goes on for a while, then:)
Channon: (suddenly really frustrated) Just tell me! You're like giving me these looks and I don't understand them and I'm trying to play along but I'm flustered.
(Hannah whispers in her ear)
Channon: Oh. Let's do this.

(music in)

Channon: This is Channon. 2011.
(Channon pop-laughs)
Channon: I don't know what I'm laughing at.

My friends and I are going out tonight (night)
We've only got-a one thing on our minds (minds)
We don't want sex, we don't want love (love)
It's something else that we've been dreaming of (of)

Ohhhhhhhh

I wanna see some balls (balls)
Wanna feel them
Wanna poke them
Balls (wha-oh wha-oh)
It's not sexual

Balls (balls)
It's ridiculous
That they exist
Balls (wha-oh wha-oh)
Why aren't they inside?

They're just the weirdest things I've ever seen (seen)
Think about it it's a sack that's made of skin (skin)
If I had balls I'd touch them all the time (time)
Cut a hole in my pants so they'd hang outside (side)

What is in there, is it fruit punch, is it air? (air)
I don't actually think it's fruit punch, but who cares (cares)
If I could go back in time, I'd major in biology science, so I could get a biology degree, then get a job as a teacher, well first I'd be a teacher's aide, then hopefully they'd bump me up, and I'd teach high school biology, and when it came to dissect stuff, instead of dissecting frogs,
I would choose to dissect someone's balls (balls)

Ohhhhhhhh

I wanna dissect balls (balls)
What's inside them
Gonna find out
Balls (wha-oh wha-oh)
It's not weird at all

Guy: Um, Channon? If you wanna know what's inside them, you can just Google it. You don't have to cut someone's balls open.

(long beat; the girls all look at each other then lunge at the guy)

Show me your balls (balls)
You have them
I don't
Balls (wha-oh wha-oh)
I won't cut them off

(Channon turns to camera, holds up crossed fingers, and winks)

(rap breakdown)
When I was 13 I saw my first ball
It was only one he was playing it coy
It wasn't creepy he was my neighbor
And ever since then I've been hooked
I'm still a virgin (virgin, virgin, virgin)

This will be less weird if I say it in French (French)
Je veux commencer une collection de balles coupées (someone steps in and does sign language) [SUBTITLE: I WANT TO START A COLLECTION OF HUMAN BALLS]
See I told you it would be less weird in French (French)
Now do you know where I can buy a lot of jars? (jars)

Ohhhhhhhhhh

(key change)

So lemme have them balls (balls)
I'm obsessed
It's totally healthy
Balls (wha-oh wha-oh)
Don't tell the police

Balls (balls)
I need them
I love them
Balls (wha-oh wha-oh)
(sudden baritone) I was born a man, sh.

(Channon shh's to camera)