Troopers: Supercomputer

By

Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons

          INT. CELL BLOCK - CONSOLE - SPACE

          Rich & Larry run up to their console. A loud ALARM sounds.

                              LARRY
                    We're screwed! We're screwed!

                              RICH
                    She can't be far. Nobody has to
                    know we let the Princess escape.

                              LARRY
                    Again.

                              RICH
                    Again.

          Rich presses a button. The ALARM STOPS.

                              RICH
                    Computer!
                         (beat)
                    Computer! Computer? Computer.

          STARTUP NOISE. Green SOUND LINES appear on a black monitor.
          COMPUTER speaks in a stilted, deadpan digital voice.

                              COMPUTER
                    Hell-o Rich and Abdul.

                              LARRY
                    Who's Abdul?

                              RICH
                    He had your job until he was eaten
                    by--um, until he quit.
                         (changing the subject)
                    Computer! Locate Prisoner 1-9-7-7.

                              COMPUTER
                    Searching...searching...searching
                         (long beat)
                    ...still searching...

                              LARRY
                         (over "searching")
                    Why is it taking so long?

                              RICH
                    Ugh, I've put in so many requests
                    for a new computer.

          Computer DINGS.

                              RICH
                    Computer, results?

                              COMPUTER
                    I to-tally for-got what I was
                    searching for.

                              RICH
                    Prisoner 1-9-7-

                              COMPUTER
                    -7, right, yes, I knew that.
                    Searching for Prisoner 1-9-7-8.

                              RICH
                    Seven.

                              COMPUTER
                    Of course. Seven. Number confirmed.
                    Got it. Well, see you later.

          Computer starts to POWER DOWN.

                              RICH
                    No! What about the search?

                              COMPUTER
                    Of course. I remember. But explain
                    it again so Abdul knows.

                              LARRY
                    Computer, this is an emergency!
                    Also my name's Larry. Just pull up
                    a map of the Dreadcruiser.
                         (beat)
                    Computer!

                              COMPUTER
                    Oh, you mean me.

                              RICH / LARRY
                    Yes!

                              COMPUTER
                    Retrieving file. File located.

                              LARRY
                         (to Rich)
                    See? That wasn't so-

                              COMPUTER
                    Oops. But-ter-fingers!

                              LARRY
                    What? Computer, define "oops."

                              COMPUTER
                    Prom-ise you won't freak.

                              RICH
                    What happened?

                              COMPUTER
                    I dropped the file. It's bro-ken.

                              RICH
                    Wha-? You don't have hands! Files
                    aren't things! More reasons!

                              COMPUTER
                    You prom-ised you wouldn't freak.

                              LARRY
                    Wait, Rich! She must be heading for
                    the airlocks. Computer!

                              COMPUTER
                    Yes, Abdul.

                              LARRY
                    Larry. Open the airlock floorplan.

                              COMPUTER
                    Opening airlock.

          A SCARY RED ALARM buzzes.

                              COMPUTER
                    Airlock opened. Casualties
                    moun-ting.

                              LARRY
                    Ah! Close airlocks.

                              COMPUTER
                    Open. Close. Make up your mind.

                              RICH/LARRY
                    Close!

                              RICH
                         (desperate)
                    Computer, is there anything you can
                    do to help find the Princess?

                              COMPUTER
                    I could cal-culate her most
                    probable escape route.

                              RICH
                    Yes! Great! Do that.

                              COMPUTER
                    Just need a calc-u-lator.

                              LARRY
                    You are a calculator!

                              COMPUTER
                    No, I mean like a good one.

          Rich POUNDS his fist on the console.

                              RICH
                    Now you listen to me, Computer.
                    You're a computer. You're at
                    least... three times smarter...

          Rich looks to Larry. Larry motions "way lower."

                              RICH
                    You're just as smart as...

          Another "lower" motion from Larry.

                              RICH
                    ...some people on this station. And
                    right now you're the only one who
                    can help us ARE YOU PLAYING A
                    VIDEOGAME?

          CU on Computer's monitor. The screen is filled with a crude,
          8-bit game. The sound lines pop back up, hiding the game.

                              COMPUTER
                    What? No. I was to-tally listening.

          END.

          POST-HUH

          Larry is at the console, playing the same VIDEOGAME.

                              LARRY
                    I'm killing your score.

                              COMPUTER (V.O.)
                    No fair. You're cheating.

                              LARRY
                    No, you just suck. Hard.

                              COMPUTER
                    Opening airlocks.

                              LARRY
                         (dropping controller)
                    Aaand, you win.