From CH Staff on
It makes Deep Blue look like a much better computer.
By Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons
INT. CELL BLOCK - CONSOLE - SPACE Rich & Larry run up to their console. A loud ALARM sounds. LARRY We're screwed! We're screwed! RICH She can't be far. Nobody has to know we let the Princess escape. LARRY Again. RICH Again. Rich presses a button. The ALARM STOPS. RICH Computer! (beat) Computer! Computer? Computer. STARTUP NOISE. Green SOUND LINES appear on a black monitor. COMPUTER speaks in a stilted, deadpan digital voice. COMPUTER Hell-o Rich and Abdul. LARRY Who's Abdul? RICH He had your job until he was eaten by--um, until he quit. (changing the subject) Computer! Locate Prisoner 1-9-7-7. COMPUTER Searching...searching...searching (long beat) ...still searching... LARRY (over "searching") Why is it taking so long? RICH Ugh, I've put in so many requests for a new computer. Computer DINGS. RICH Computer, results? COMPUTER I to-tally for-got what I was searching for. RICH Prisoner 1-9-7- COMPUTER -7, right, yes, I knew that. Searching for Prisoner 1-9-7-8. RICH Seven. COMPUTER Of course. Seven. Number confirmed. Got it. Well, see you later. Computer starts to POWER DOWN. RICH No! What about the search? COMPUTER Of course. I remember. But explain it again so Abdul knows. LARRY Computer, this is an emergency! Also my name's Larry. Just pull up a map of the Dreadcruiser. (beat) Computer! COMPUTER Oh, you mean me. RICH / LARRY Yes! COMPUTER Retrieving file. File located. LARRY (to Rich) See? That wasn't so- COMPUTER Oops. But-ter-fingers! LARRY What? Computer, define "oops." COMPUTER Prom-ise you won't freak. RICH What happened? COMPUTER I dropped the file. It's bro-ken. RICH Wha-? You don't have hands! Files aren't things! More reasons! COMPUTER You prom-ised you wouldn't freak. LARRY Wait, Rich! She must be heading for the airlocks. Computer! COMPUTER Yes, Abdul. LARRY Larry. Open the airlock floorplan. COMPUTER Opening airlock. A SCARY RED ALARM buzzes. COMPUTER Airlock opened. Casualties moun-ting. LARRY Ah! Close airlocks. COMPUTER Open. Close. Make up your mind. RICH/LARRY Close! RICH (desperate) Computer, is there anything you can do to help find the Princess? COMPUTER I could cal-culate her most probable escape route. RICH Yes! Great! Do that. COMPUTER Just need a calc-u-lator. LARRY You are a calculator! COMPUTER No, I mean like a good one. Rich POUNDS his fist on the console. RICH Now you listen to me, Computer. You're a computer. You're at least... three times smarter... Rich looks to Larry. Larry motions "way lower." RICH You're just as smart as... Another "lower" motion from Larry. RICH ...some people on this station. And right now you're the only one who can help us ARE YOU PLAYING A VIDEOGAME? CU on Computer's monitor. The screen is filled with a crude, 8-bit game. The sound lines pop back up, hiding the game. COMPUTER What? No. I was to-tally listening. END. POST-HUH Larry is at the console, playing the same VIDEOGAME. LARRY I'm killing your score. COMPUTER (V.O.) No fair. You're cheating. LARRY No, you just suck. Hard. COMPUTER Opening airlocks. LARRY (dropping controller) Aaand, you win.