From our new series "VHS," a vintage look at seduction.
By Mitch McGee
INT. A SOUND STAGE Everything looks as though it were made in 1985. CAROL(28) in 1980s "business attire" looking somehow professional and trashy at the same time address the camera: JUMP CUT: CAROL Talking dirty: It seems like everywhere you turn someone is practicing it these days. From the grocer at your local supermarket to your best friend at the beauty parlor, talking dirty has become a mainstream method for modern couples to achieve intimacy in the bedroom. But how does it work and what is it? And when does adult dirty talk turn from OK to a major bummer. Today we'll show you the dos and don'ts of modern dirty talk and how you can practice this new style of intimacy at home. CAROL (CONT'D) Now let's see a real-life application. INT. A DIFFERENT SOUND STAGE CUTTING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CAROL'S LOCATION: MAN(35) (mustache, glasses, 80s sweater) on a park bench talking to a WOMAN(25) (attractive in skirt). MAN I want to fuck you. CAROL Nope. Sorry Charlie, that approach won't work with today's woman. Let's try again. ALL JUMP CUTS: MAN (several, ad-libbed) I am interested in fucking you. Your brassiere is the appropriate size and shape for me. I want to put it in your blueberry. Would you like to see if I can put it in your blueberry? There's a singles bar across the street -- shall we wrestle in our BVDs? CAROL Now, you're getting the hang of it! Let's try it again, only this time, let's use a slightly different word for penis. MAN I want to make a bag of biscuits on your titties. CAROL OK! MAN There's an abandoned warehouse nearby -- would you like to explore it with me? CAROL Uh oh! Not so fast. WOMAN (deadpan) ) Yes, I would love some biscuits. My titties do feel nice, yes. More exchanges. Out of sequence. all ad-libbed. INT. A FAKE BAR Same man sharing a drink with a WOMAN 2. MAN I like drinks. WOMAN 2 I like drinks too. MAN I like how wet they can become. That reminds me of something. WOMAN 2 Oh yes? INT. A FAKE BEDROOM JUMP CUT: WOMAN 2 Now I'm ready to fuck you. MAN I think that is the right idea. CAROL You're a winner! Did you see how easy that was!