How To Talk Dirty

By

Mitch McGee

          INT. A SOUND STAGE

          Everything looks as though it were made in 1985. CAROL(28)
          in 1980s "business attire" looking somehow professional and
          trashy at the same time address the camera:

          JUMP CUT:

                              CAROL
                    Talking dirty: It seems like
                    everywhere you turn someone is
                    practicing it these days. From the
                    grocer at your local supermarket to
                    your best friend at the beauty
                    parlor, talking dirty has become a
                    mainstream method for modern
                    couples to achieve intimacy in the
                    bedroom. But how does it work and
                    what is it? And when does adult
                    dirty talk turn from OK to a major
                    bummer. Today we'll show you the
                    dos and don'ts of modern dirty talk
                    and how you can practice this new
                    style of intimacy at home.

                              CAROL
                         (CONT'D)
                    Now let's see a real-life
                    application.

          INT. A DIFFERENT SOUND STAGE

          CUTTING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CAROL'S LOCATION: MAN(35)
          (mustache, glasses, 80s sweater) on a park bench talking to
          a WOMAN(25) (attractive in skirt).

                              MAN
                    I want to fuck you.

                              CAROL
                    Nope. Sorry Charlie, that approach
                    won't work with today's woman.
                    Let's try again.

          ALL JUMP CUTS:

                              MAN
                         (several, ad-libbed)
                    I am interested in fucking you.

                              
                    Your brassiere is the appropriate
                    size and shape for me.
                    I want to put it in your blueberry.
                    Would you like to see if I can put
                    it in your blueberry?
                    There's a singles bar across the
                    street -- shall we wrestle in our
                    BVDs?

                              CAROL
                    Now, you're getting the hang of it!
                    Let's try it again, only this time,
                    let's use a slightly different word
                    for penis.

                              MAN
                    I want to make a bag of biscuits on
                    your titties.

                              CAROL
                    OK!

                              MAN
                    There's an abandoned warehouse
                    nearby -- would you like to explore
                    it with me?

                              CAROL
                    Uh oh! Not so fast.

                              WOMAN
                         (deadpan) )
                    Yes, I would love some biscuits.
                    My titties do feel nice, yes.

          More exchanges. Out of sequence. all ad-libbed.

          INT. A FAKE BAR

          Same man sharing a drink with a WOMAN 2.

                              MAN
                    I like drinks.

                              WOMAN 2
                    I like drinks too.

                              MAN
                    I like how wet they can become.
                    That reminds me of something.

                              WOMAN 2
                    Oh yes?

          INT. A FAKE BEDROOM
          JUMP CUT:

                              WOMAN 2
                    Now I'm ready to fuck you.

                              MAN
                    I think that is the right idea.

                              CAROL
                    You're a winner! Did you see how
                    easy that was!