From our new series "VHS," a vintage look at seduction.
By Mitch McGee
INT. A SOUND STAGE
Everything looks as though it were made in 1985. CAROL(28)
in 1980s "business attire" looking somehow professional and
trashy at the same time address the camera:
Talking dirty: It seems like
everywhere you turn someone is
practicing it these days. From the
grocer at your local supermarket to
your best friend at the beauty
parlor, talking dirty has become a
mainstream method for modern
couples to achieve intimacy in the
bedroom. But how does it work and
what is it? And when does adult
dirty talk turn from OK to a major
bummer. Today we'll show you the
dos and don'ts of modern dirty talk
and how you can practice this new
style of intimacy at home.
Now let's see a real-life
INT. A DIFFERENT SOUND STAGE
CUTTING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CAROL'S LOCATION: MAN(35)
(mustache, glasses, 80s sweater) on a park bench talking to
a WOMAN(25) (attractive in skirt).
I want to fuck you.
Nope. Sorry Charlie, that approach
won't work with today's woman.
Let's try again.
ALL JUMP CUTS:
I am interested in fucking you.
Your brassiere is the appropriate
size and shape for me.
I want to put it in your blueberry.
Would you like to see if I can put
it in your blueberry?
There's a singles bar across the
street -- shall we wrestle in our
Now, you're getting the hang of it!
Let's try it again, only this time,
let's use a slightly different word
I want to make a bag of biscuits on
There's an abandoned warehouse
nearby -- would you like to explore
it with me?
Uh oh! Not so fast.
Yes, I would love some biscuits.
My titties do feel nice, yes.
More exchanges. Out of sequence. all ad-libbed.
INT. A FAKE BAR
Same man sharing a drink with a WOMAN 2.
I like drinks.
I like drinks too.
I like how wet they can become.
That reminds me of something.
INT. A FAKE BEDROOM
Now I'm ready to fuck you.
I think that is the right idea.
You're a winner! Did you see how
easy that was!