Pandora's Unboxing

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. ANCIENT GREEK BEDROOM - NIGHT

          A decorated stone hut of sorts. We're in the room of a
          beautiful ancient Greek woman and her lover, at the dawn of
          man.

          SHOT FROM THE HANDHELD CAMERA/POV OF PANDORA - female, 20s.
          She sits at a table, on top of which lies PANDORA'S BOX - a
          moderately-decorated rectangular box with a hinged lid and a
          large metal lock. It has some mystique without being overly
          gaudy. CAMERAWORK/DIALOGUE mimics the casual, awkward,
          amateur vibe of unboxing videos.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                         (super off-the-cuff)
                    What's goin on guys, it's Pandora,
                    y'all stole fire and now I'm first
                    woman on Earth - yay, boobies,
                    okay.

          She picks up the box and handles it absent-mindedly.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    So, right in front of me here I've
                    got a super limited-edition box,
                    from Zeus - Zeus if you're
                    watching, uh, what's up buddy, sick
                    thunderstorm last night, good job -
                    so I figured I'd open it up in
                    front of all you nerds, just
                    kidding, I love you guys.

          As she describes the box's details, she turns it over in her
          hands and zooms in and out, highlighting specific aspects -
          its color, artwork, and Greek inscription among them.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Anyway it looks like a, uh, ceramic
                    box, red clay with a black varnish,
                    gives it a nice metallic sheen.
                    Geometric shapes, bunch of chicks
                    carrying pots on their heads,
                    pretty standard stuff, you know,
                    solid Grecian craftsmanship. On
                    this side we've got a lock,
                    cast-iron, very powerful, and an
                    inscription that says, uh,
                    "FORSAKEN BE THOSE WHO UNLOCK THIS
                    WICKED CHEST."
                         (making a fart noise and
                         jerk-off hand motion)
                    Yeah, okay Zeus. Drama queen.

          Pandora places the box back on the table.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Now, as usual Epimetheus was being
                    a total doucher and wouldn't give
                    me the key, so I went ahead and
                    stole it from him last night when
                    he was sleeping.
                         (holding up the key)
                    Yoink!

          Fratty-voiced EPIMETHEUS calls to Pandora from downstairs.

                              EPIMETHEUS (O.S.)
                    Pandora! You seen my key anywhere,
                    babe?

                              PANDORA
                         (calling down to him)
                    You prolly left it at Prometheus's
                    place, sweetie!

           She inserts the key and opens the lid of the box.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Ugh. Okay, let's open this bad boy
                    up. Lefty loosey, and... uh, okay.
                    What... is the dealio here.

          GHOST-LIKE WISPS OF DARK-COLORED MIST begin to escape from
          the box, floating upwards and outwards, into the room, into
          the world. These are ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD. Screams of
          terror, crying babies, sounds of murders and desperation
          accompany the escaping evils, which Pandora addresses
          one-by-one.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Looks like some not-so-good stuff
                    is escaping from the box. If I had
                    to guess I'd say it's all the evils
                    of the world. There goes "disease,"
                    as you'd expect... "poverty" looks
                    to be in great condition...
                    "crime," wasn't sure they'd include
                    that one. Gosh, you really have to
                    admire how efficiently all the
                    evils were packed in here.
                    "Pestilence" alone takes up a lot
                    of space. Right, I've made a pretty
                    grave mistake here, so I'm gonna
                    try and close this on up-
                    

          Pandora jams down the lid. It shakes for a moment, then
          EXPLODES OFF THE BOX, flying across the room, as even more
          evils burst out of the box. They will not be stopped. As
          they continue to escape:

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Alright, that didn't do it. Wow.
                    You know normally, when something's
                    been sitting for all eternity you
                    expect to see some settling, some
                    wear and tear, but the forms of
                    suffering leaking out of here are
                    definitely ready to devour
                    mankind's utopian existence, just
                    ravenous - uh, truly a bonehead
                    move on my part. I feel like a real
                    meatball.

          The evil mist finally tapers off; horrific sounds subside.
          Camera zooms out a window, where a GROWLING DEMON walks by,
          then back to the box.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Seems like it's slowing down now,
                    that's good at least... let's uh,
                    let's go ahead and take a look
                    inside.

          Pandora/camera leans over and looks into the box, revealing
          a SMALL, BRIGHTLY-SHINING GEM.

                              PANDORA (O.S.)
                    Wow, okay, cool. Seems like all
                    that's left here is uh, Hope.
                         (forcing some upbeat cheer)
                    So that's nice! That's not so bad!
                    Yaaaaaay Pandora! Whoo! Hope! Haha.
                         (surrendering)
                    Fuck. Yeah, this is a tragedy.
                    Okay! Well, sorry about unleashing
                    an eternity of despair on the whole
                    of humanity, and uh, please
                    subscribe, next week I'll be
                    unboxing Portal 2.
                         (beat)
                    ...Hell. I'll be unboxing a portal
                    to Hell.

          END.