Evil has a no return policy.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. ANCIENT GREEK BEDROOM - NIGHT
A decorated stone hut of sorts. We're in the room of a
beautiful ancient Greek woman and her lover, at the dawn of
SHOT FROM THE HANDHELD CAMERA/POV OF PANDORA - female, 20s.
She sits at a table, on top of which lies PANDORA'S BOX - a
moderately-decorated rectangular box with a hinged lid and a
large metal lock. It has some mystique without being overly
gaudy. CAMERAWORK/DIALOGUE mimics the casual, awkward,
amateur vibe of unboxing videos.
What's goin on guys, it's Pandora,
y'all stole fire and now I'm first
woman on Earth - yay, boobies,
She picks up the box and handles it absent-mindedly.
So, right in front of me here I've
got a super limited-edition box,
from Zeus - Zeus if you're
watching, uh, what's up buddy, sick
thunderstorm last night, good job -
so I figured I'd open it up in
front of all you nerds, just
kidding, I love you guys.
As she describes the box's details, she turns it over in her
hands and zooms in and out, highlighting specific aspects -
its color, artwork, and Greek inscription among them.
Anyway it looks like a, uh, ceramic
box, red clay with a black varnish,
gives it a nice metallic sheen.
Geometric shapes, bunch of chicks
carrying pots on their heads,
pretty standard stuff, you know,
solid Grecian craftsmanship. On
this side we've got a lock,
cast-iron, very powerful, and an
inscription that says, uh,
"FORSAKEN BE THOSE WHO UNLOCK THIS
(making a fart noise and
jerk-off hand motion)
Yeah, okay Zeus. Drama queen.
Pandora places the box back on the table.
Now, as usual Epimetheus was being
a total doucher and wouldn't give
me the key, so I went ahead and
stole it from him last night when
he was sleeping.
(holding up the key)
Fratty-voiced EPIMETHEUS calls to Pandora from downstairs.
Pandora! You seen my key anywhere,
(calling down to him)
You prolly left it at Prometheus's
She inserts the key and opens the lid of the box.
Ugh. Okay, let's open this bad boy
up. Lefty loosey, and... uh, okay.
What... is the dealio here.
GHOST-LIKE WISPS OF DARK-COLORED MIST begin to escape from
the box, floating upwards and outwards, into the room, into
the world. These are ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD. Screams of
terror, crying babies, sounds of murders and desperation
accompany the escaping evils, which Pandora addresses
Looks like some not-so-good stuff
is escaping from the box. If I had
to guess I'd say it's all the evils
of the world. There goes "disease,"
as you'd expect... "poverty" looks
to be in great condition...
"crime," wasn't sure they'd include
that one. Gosh, you really have to
admire how efficiently all the
evils were packed in here.
"Pestilence" alone takes up a lot
of space. Right, I've made a pretty
grave mistake here, so I'm gonna
try and close this on up-
Pandora jams down the lid. It shakes for a moment, then
EXPLODES OFF THE BOX, flying across the room, as even more
evils burst out of the box. They will not be stopped. As
they continue to escape:
Alright, that didn't do it. Wow.
You know normally, when something's
been sitting for all eternity you
expect to see some settling, some
wear and tear, but the forms of
suffering leaking out of here are
definitely ready to devour
mankind's utopian existence, just
ravenous - uh, truly a bonehead
move on my part. I feel like a real
The evil mist finally tapers off; horrific sounds subside.
Camera zooms out a window, where a GROWLING DEMON walks by,
then back to the box.
Seems like it's slowing down now,
that's good at least... let's uh,
let's go ahead and take a look
Pandora/camera leans over and looks into the box, revealing
a SMALL, BRIGHTLY-SHINING GEM.
Wow, okay, cool. Seems like all
that's left here is uh, Hope.
(forcing some upbeat cheer)
So that's nice! That's not so bad!
Yaaaaaay Pandora! Whoo! Hope! Haha.
Fuck. Yeah, this is a tragedy.
Okay! Well, sorry about unleashing
an eternity of despair on the whole
of humanity, and uh, please
subscribe, next week I'll be
unboxing Portal 2.
...Hell. I'll be unboxing a portal