Evil has a no return policy.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. ANCIENT GREEK BEDROOM - NIGHT A decorated stone hut of sorts. We're in the room of a beautiful ancient Greek woman and her lover, at the dawn of man. SHOT FROM THE HANDHELD CAMERA/POV OF PANDORA - female, 20s. She sits at a table, on top of which lies PANDORA'S BOX - a moderately-decorated rectangular box with a hinged lid and a large metal lock. It has some mystique without being overly gaudy. CAMERAWORK/DIALOGUE mimics the casual, awkward, amateur vibe of unboxing videos. PANDORA (O.S.) (super off-the-cuff) What's goin on guys, it's Pandora, y'all stole fire and now I'm first woman on Earth - yay, boobies, okay. She picks up the box and handles it absent-mindedly. PANDORA (O.S.) So, right in front of me here I've got a super limited-edition box, from Zeus - Zeus if you're watching, uh, what's up buddy, sick thunderstorm last night, good job - so I figured I'd open it up in front of all you nerds, just kidding, I love you guys. As she describes the box's details, she turns it over in her hands and zooms in and out, highlighting specific aspects - its color, artwork, and Greek inscription among them. PANDORA (O.S.) Anyway it looks like a, uh, ceramic box, red clay with a black varnish, gives it a nice metallic sheen. Geometric shapes, bunch of chicks carrying pots on their heads, pretty standard stuff, you know, solid Grecian craftsmanship. On this side we've got a lock, cast-iron, very powerful, and an inscription that says, uh, "FORSAKEN BE THOSE WHO UNLOCK THIS WICKED CHEST." (making a fart noise and jerk-off hand motion) Yeah, okay Zeus. Drama queen. Pandora places the box back on the table. PANDORA (O.S.) Now, as usual Epimetheus was being a total doucher and wouldn't give me the key, so I went ahead and stole it from him last night when he was sleeping. (holding up the key) Yoink! Fratty-voiced EPIMETHEUS calls to Pandora from downstairs. EPIMETHEUS (O.S.) Pandora! You seen my key anywhere, babe? PANDORA (calling down to him) You prolly left it at Prometheus's place, sweetie! She inserts the key and opens the lid of the box. PANDORA (O.S.) Ugh. Okay, let's open this bad boy up. Lefty loosey, and... uh, okay. What... is the dealio here. GHOST-LIKE WISPS OF DARK-COLORED MIST begin to escape from the box, floating upwards and outwards, into the room, into the world. These are ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD. Screams of terror, crying babies, sounds of murders and desperation accompany the escaping evils, which Pandora addresses one-by-one. PANDORA (O.S.) Looks like some not-so-good stuff is escaping from the box. If I had to guess I'd say it's all the evils of the world. There goes "disease," as you'd expect... "poverty" looks to be in great condition... "crime," wasn't sure they'd include that one. Gosh, you really have to admire how efficiently all the evils were packed in here. "Pestilence" alone takes up a lot of space. Right, I've made a pretty grave mistake here, so I'm gonna try and close this on up- Pandora jams down the lid. It shakes for a moment, then EXPLODES OFF THE BOX, flying across the room, as even more evils burst out of the box. They will not be stopped. As they continue to escape: PANDORA (O.S.) Alright, that didn't do it. Wow. You know normally, when something's been sitting for all eternity you expect to see some settling, some wear and tear, but the forms of suffering leaking out of here are definitely ready to devour mankind's utopian existence, just ravenous - uh, truly a bonehead move on my part. I feel like a real meatball. The evil mist finally tapers off; horrific sounds subside. Camera zooms out a window, where a GROWLING DEMON walks by, then back to the box. PANDORA (O.S.) Seems like it's slowing down now, that's good at least... let's uh, let's go ahead and take a look inside. Pandora/camera leans over and looks into the box, revealing a SMALL, BRIGHTLY-SHINING GEM. PANDORA (O.S.) Wow, okay, cool. Seems like all that's left here is uh, Hope. (forcing some upbeat cheer) So that's nice! That's not so bad! Yaaaaaay Pandora! Whoo! Hope! Haha. (surrendering) Fuck. Yeah, this is a tragedy. Okay! Well, sorry about unleashing an eternity of despair on the whole of humanity, and uh, please subscribe, next week I'll be unboxing Portal 2. (beat) ...Hell. I'll be unboxing a portal to Hell. END.