Batman Chooses His Voice

By

Front Page Films

                    EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

          Flass takes a falafel and the tip money from a vendor.

                              VENDOR
                    C'mon, man. I have kids to feed!

                              FLASS
                    What, they don't like falafel?

          Flass goes into the alley, sloppily eating the falafel when
          SUDDENLY he is caught by his foot and swung up into the fire
          escape by an unseen wire. A very severe close-up of Batman
          looking bad-ass.

                              BATMAN
                         (high, squeaky voice)
                    Where were the other drugs going?

          A moment of fear as Flass swings back and forth.

                              FLASS
                    Uh, uh. I don't know... I never
                    knew, I swear to... wait.

                              BATMAN
                         (high, squeaky voice)
                    What?

                              FLASS
                    What... what voice is that?

                              (BATMAN
                         (same)
                    What? No good? I'm...
                         (normal voice, no affect)
                    You know I worked on it all day.

                              FLASS
                    Doesn't really fit the whole bat,
                    dark theme.

                              BATMAN
                    Ok. Ok. Can I show you another one?

                              FLASS
                    No, asshole.

                              BATMAN
                         (new voice)
                    You don't have a choice.

                              FLASS
                    Even worse.

          Batman drops Flass, his face almost hitting the concrete,
          Batman reels him back up.

          A montage of Batman doing the lines "Where were the other
          drugs going," "Do I look like a cop?" in different voices.

          Spanish ("Donde esta los drugas?")

          Helium Voice (we see Batman suck down a balloon)

          Schwarzenegger

          Ray Romano

          Al Pacino

          Keanu-ish (Surfer dude)

          Effeminate southern

          The Joker ("Do I really look like a guy... with a plan?")

          Patrick Stewart

          Mark Wahlberg

          John Malkovich

          Morgan Freeman

                              BATMAN
                         (screaming at the top of his
                         lungs)
                    DO I LOOK LIKE A COP! DO I? HUH! I
                    ASKED YOU WHERE ARE THE OTHER
                    DRUGS-
                         -(cough) Go-- (cough)--shit.

                              

                              FLASS
                    Are you alright?

                              BATMAN
                         (raspy, mysterious voice)
                         Ow...think I strained my voice
                         a bit.

                              

                              FLASS
                    Wait...try it again.

                              BATMAN
                    Where were the other drugs going?

                              FLASS
                    You know...not bad.

                              BATMAN
                    Where were the other drugs going!

                              FLASS
                    I think you got it.

                              BATMAN
                    Really? You like it?

                              FLASS
                    Yeah, swear to God.

                              BATMAN
                    SWEAR TO ME!

          Batman drops Flass. He screams, but as he nears the floor,
          he slows down and lowers Flass to the ground safely.

          Batman walks away awkwardly.

                              BATMAN (CONT'D)
                    Alfred. Get the Vap-o-Rub. And
                    Chloroseptic.

          END.