No commercials. No mercy.
By Ben Joseph
EXT. CONCERT HALL There's a large SATELLITE DISH and a SIGN out front: BROADCASTING LIVE... THE ROAST OF HBO! INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS Personified TV NETWORKS (MTV, USA, TNT, COMEDY CENTRAL, etc.) sit on a DAIS. AMC's at the podium. The LAUGHTER from AMC's last joke fades. AMC HBO! You've aired some controversial footage over the years. You even put an abortion on television once! But enough about Entourage. LAUGHTER. AMC And True Blood? Come on. You seriously passed on Mad Men so you could air Twilight for nymphos? LAUGHTER. AMC In all seriousnesses, HBO, it's an honor to pick through your trash. Especially if you keep throwing away Emmys. LAUGHTER and some OOOs. USA takes AMC's place at the dais. USA HBO! You know we like you, right? You don't need to keep showing us your boobs to get our attention. We have Starz for that. LAUGHTER. ANGLE ON STARZ, drunk and skanky. RIMSHOT from the house band. USA Thanks guys. MTV, don't be scared, the sound you hear coming from that group of people? It's called music. LAUGHTER. USA Jesus, MTV, you used to be cool. Now you're 2 Red Bulls and a date rape case away from being SpikeTV. SPIKETV, douchey, flashes the SHOCKER. USA Seriously, MTV. Pull it together before VH1 offers you a reality show. LAUGHTER. TBS takes the dais. TBS Give it up for USA! They now have almost as many boring shows about well-dressed white people as CNBC. LAUGHTER. TBS (re: the dais) Look at all you unfunny assholes. No wonder TV is history. (beat) Oh, sorry, History Channel: "History" is a word that means "the past", not "rednecks putting themselves in danger" or "lies about aliens." LAUGHTER. TBS Speaking of lies and rednecks, Fox News everybody! LAUGHTER. CNN, next to FOX, does a spit take. TBS Hey, at least Fox still covers news. CNN, you pay so much attention to the Kardashians I thought you'd joined the NBA. LAUGHTER. Fox laughs as CNN crosses his arms. SYFY, nerdy, runs up and pushes TBS out of the way. SYFY (holding up papers) HBO! This is a formal petition for you to produce a new season of the space western Firefly. Simply purchase the rights from FOX- COMEDY CENTRAL Hey, kid, your jokes suck! SYFY THIS IS NOT A JOKE! (to audience) As you can see I have over 300 signatures- AH! A HOOK yanks SYFY off stage. ESPN, a brash insult comic, takes his place. ESPN (casual) See, HBO? I told you. You put one freakin' dragon on your network... LIGHT LAUGHTER. ESPN Showtime! I'm not saying Weeds has jumped the shark, but that last season is getting its own week on the Discovery Channel. Learn to cancel a show. LAUGHTER. ESPN Adult Swim! If I wanted to watch a stoner laugh at his own jokes all night, I wouldn't have disowned my son. LAUGHTER. ESPN G4! Fuse! GSN! I don't know what the &*$% you are. LAUGHTER. ESPN Seriously, what are you? Something about the Internet, right? (clears his throat) Now, please welcome three geezers who remember when TV had tubes and Leno was funny... The Networks! ABC, NBC, and CBS - aging Jewish comics - take the podium slowly. LIGHT APPLAUSE. NBC Oy, CBS! Have you ever seen so many stations? CBS Feh! There's more letters in here than Freeman's alphabet soup. ABC plays a SLIDE WHISTLE. SUPER LIGHT LAUGHTER. CBS Oh, stuff it! That bit was good enough for Truman, it's good enough for you. NBC I told you this was a mistake. These kids ain't never seen a rating bigger than my nut sack's liver spots. GROANS and BOOS. CBS Oh, all you cable networks think you're so cool and edgy. You'll be yesterday's broadcast soon enough! NBC Ain't that right, radio? ANGLE ON: RADIO, WAY TOO OLD and in a WHEELCHAIR. RADIO (static-y) THIS JUST IN: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW! END.