No commercials. No mercy.
By Ben Joseph
EXT. CONCERT HALL
There's a large SATELLITE DISH and a SIGN out front:
BROADCASTING LIVE... THE ROAST OF HBO!
INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS
Personified TV NETWORKS (MTV, USA, TNT, COMEDY CENTRAL,
etc.) sit on a DAIS. AMC's at the podium. The LAUGHTER from
AMC's last joke fades.
HBO! You've aired some
controversial footage over the
years. You even put an abortion
on television once! But enough
And True Blood? Come on. You
seriously passed on Mad Men so you
could air Twilight for nymphos?
In all seriousnesses, HBO, it's an
honor to pick through your trash.
Especially if you keep throwing
LAUGHTER and some OOOs. USA takes AMC's place at the dais.
HBO! You know we like you, right?
You don't need to keep showing us
your boobs to get our attention. We
have Starz for that.
LAUGHTER. ANGLE ON STARZ, drunk and skanky. RIMSHOT from the
Thanks guys. MTV, don't be scared,
the sound you hear coming from that
group of people? It's called music.
Jesus, MTV, you used to be cool.
Now you're 2 Red Bulls and a date
rape case away from being SpikeTV.
SPIKETV, douchey, flashes the SHOCKER.
Seriously, MTV. Pull it together
before VH1 offers you a reality
LAUGHTER. TBS takes the dais.
Give it up for USA! They now have
almost as many boring shows about
well-dressed white people as CNBC.
(re: the dais)
Look at all you unfunny assholes.
No wonder TV is history.
Oh, sorry, History Channel:
"History" is a word that means "the
past", not "rednecks putting
themselves in danger" or "lies
Speaking of lies and rednecks, Fox
LAUGHTER. CNN, next to FOX, does a spit take.
Hey, at least Fox still covers
news. CNN, you pay so much
attention to the Kardashians I
thought you'd joined the NBA.
LAUGHTER. Fox laughs as CNN crosses his arms. SYFY, nerdy,
runs up and pushes TBS out of the way.
(holding up papers)
HBO! This is a formal petition for
you to produce a new season of the
space western Firefly. Simply
purchase the rights from FOX-
Hey, kid, your jokes suck!
THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
As you can see I have over 300
A HOOK yanks SYFY off stage. ESPN, a brash insult comic,
takes his place.
See, HBO? I told you. You put one
freakin' dragon on your network...
Showtime! I'm not saying Weeds has
jumped the shark, but that last
season is getting its own week on
the Discovery Channel. Learn to
cancel a show.
Adult Swim! If I wanted to watch a
stoner laugh at his own jokes all
night, I wouldn't have disowned my
G4! Fuse! GSN! I don't know what
the &*$% you are.
Seriously, what are you? Something
about the Internet, right?
(clears his throat)
Now, please welcome three geezers
who remember when TV had tubes and
Leno was funny... The Networks!
ABC, NBC, and CBS - aging Jewish comics - take the podium
slowly. LIGHT APPLAUSE.
Oy, CBS! Have you ever seen so many
Feh! There's more letters in here
than Freeman's alphabet soup.
ABC plays a SLIDE WHISTLE. SUPER LIGHT LAUGHTER.
Oh, stuff it! That bit was good
enough for Truman, it's good enough
I told you this was a mistake.
These kids ain't never seen a
rating bigger than my nut sack's
GROANS and BOOS.
Oh, all you cable networks think
you're so cool and edgy. You'll be
yesterday's broadcast soon enough!
Ain't that right, radio?
ANGLE ON: RADIO, WAY TOO OLD and in a WHEELCHAIR.
THIS JUST IN: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I
AM RIGHT NOW!