Let us give thanks for the hometown bar.
By Ben Joseph
This is you.
It's YOU again. A LOWER THIRD indicates as much.
This is you visiting your family
for the holidays.
EXTERIOR of a SUBURBAN HOUSE. At the FRONT DOOR, your
PARENTS gives you a BIG HUG.
This is you ten minutes later.
SAME EXTERIOR SHOT. LOUD FAMILY ARGUMENT NOISES from inside.
It's time to go out for a bit.
You come out the front door in a hurry.
TITLE CARD: THE SIX GIRLS YOU'LL SEE BACK HOME
TITLE CARD: THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY
You're in a HOMETOWN BAR. You spot RACHEL, a former
cheerleader, across the room.
She always thought you were a
little creepy in high school. You
don't know why.
QUICK CUTS: THREE PHOTOS of YOUNGER RACHEL. In each, YOUNGER
YOU stands in the background, staring at her.
But, happy ending, turns out minors
can't actually request restraining
Things will be different this time.
Rachel talks with a friend. You enter the BG. It's almost a
replica of the earlier creepy photos.
You'll finally admit your true
feelings for her. Or at least
maintain eye contact.
You can't get her attention, so you TAP HER ON THE SHOULDER.
She FREAKS OUT, spilling her beer on you, which causes you
to spill your beer on her.
OK. Not a great start.
TITLE CARD: THE ONE YOU GOT AWAY FROM
You're still mourning Rachel's departure when...
HEY! I figured you'd be here!
Oh no. You're trapped.
A metal CLANK. You look down. Your foot's in a BEAR TRAP.
MEGAN, crazy eyes, punches you in the shoulder too hard.
I left a you voicemail. You get it?
You idly check your phone.
Heh, I guess not.
ANGLE ON: Your PHONE. We zoom around the touchscreen, seeing
notifications for the following:
Six voicemails, actually. Also, 17
text messages, 26 Facebook chats, 4
Tweets, 2 comments on your blog,
and one kitten-themed eCard just to
She's still talking.
Five minutes in, you know what a
coyote feels like the second before
it chews through its leg.
Nodding and smiling, you casually SAW YOUR OWN LEG OFF with
a hacksaw. You excuse yourself and hop off on one leg.
TITLE CARD: THE ONE WITH KIDS
You step OUTSIDE for a cigarette.
As you turn, before we see her, we FLASHBACK TO:
A FRAT PARTY. CINDY, young, drunk, drinks from an ICE LUGE.
Last time you saw her, a Sigma
was pouring Jager down an ice luge
into her throat.
Cindy, finished, throws her arms around two FRAT GUYS.
Now somebody has put her in charge
of tiny people.
MATCH CUT TO: The PRESENT. Cindy holds CHILDREN in her arms.
She's a little heavier, older.
How did this happen? Your friends
shouldn't have kids until the
future. It's not the future yet! We
don't even have hoverboards!
As you talk to her, CHILD #2, now on the ground, walks over
and spreads snot on your pants leg.
You try to make small talk, but she
IMPROV SMALL TALK until Cindy notices something O.C.
Brantley, do NOT climb down that
storm drain! There are RATS and
POOP down there!
TITLE CARD: THE ADULT
You stare across the bar at CARA, mid-30s. Behind crossing
patrons, her OUTFIT CHANGES with each job you mention.
Maybe she was your babysitter. Or
your 7th grade science teacher. Or
just a really hot mail-lady. Age
kept you apart, but no more!
You get the courage to approach her. Everything SLOWS DOWN.
She won't believe how much you've
grown. She'll marvel at how you
handsome you are without acne or
headgear or that thing on your neck
that wouldn't heal.
Still in SLOW MOTION, you casually push MEGAN out of the way
and walk up to Cara. You're now wearing a SUIT. You smile at
each other, handsome, mature adults. You start making out.
She definitely won't remember that
time you drank too much Blue
Gatorade and puked all over her new
Back to REAL TIME. You, nervous, reach Cara. Everything that
just happened was your fantasy.
Oh my God! Pukesy, is that you?
She gives you a BIG HUG and tousles your hair.
This is not going as planned.
TITLE CARD: THE UGLY DUCKLING
You take SHOTS at the bar.
It's possible this is a coping
Your spot LISA, pretty and well put together.
Whoa, is that who you think it is?
CUT TO: A YEAR BOOK. LISA, a band geek, holds a TUBA.
She was a band geek. You almost
made JV soccer. By the laws of high
school, this should be as easy as
having sex with a fish in a barrel.
IMPROV DRUNK RAMBLE to a continually less impressed LISA.
Things are going great, actually.
I'm, uh, here on a date with Chuck.
CUT TO: The same YEAR BOOK PHOTO. PAN TO Chuck, also geeky.
Chuck? Please. In high school,
Chuck fulfilled his athletic
requirement by managing the track
team. You can take Chuck.
CHUCK, now 6'2", solid as a rock, enters. Stares you down.
Maybe it's time to call it a night.
TITLE CARD: THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU
INT. DARK KITCHEN - NIGHT
You just went 0 for 5. Not that
You enter, drunk. Keys and phone are dropped haphazardly.
You decide you were wrong to run
out on your family. Coming home
isn't about cheap flings. It's
about catching up with the people
you really care about.
There's a PIE left out with a note: "HOPE YOU HAD FUN
TONIGHT! XOXO." You smile and sit down to eat it.
Of the girls you see at home, the
most important one is your m-
LIGHTS ON. An ASIAN FAMILY stares at you.
Hm. It's possible this isn't your