From CH Staff on
This crowd is getting a little crowded.
By Ben Joseph, David Young & Streeter Seidell
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY A group of PROTESTERS participate in Occupy Wall Street. PROTESTERS People not profits! People not profits! Two friends - PATRICK and AL - arrive at the protest. PATRICK Wow, I never thought Occupy Wall Street would get this big! A MAN from one side of the protest turns to them. MAN 1 (pointing) Uh, that's Occupy Wall Street. This is the line for the iPhone 4s. REVEAL: A LINE OF PEOPLE heading away from the protest. The end of it leads right up to Occupy Wall Street. AL The Apple store is 30 blocks away! MAN 1 I know, right? Still, I pre-ordered, so I should be OK. PATRICK Well, good luck with that. Come on, Al, let's get our protest on. Al? Al is standing at the end of the line. AL Uh, the line's not going to be this short again for a while.... PATRICK Seriously? AL What if I buy iPhones for both of us? We could coordinate via Twitter like the rebels in Egypt! MAN 1 They only give out one phone per customer. AL Quick update to the iPhone plan- IPHONE CUSTOMER 1 Whoa, is this the iPhone line? I'm trying to get into Whole Foods. MAN 1 Sorry, man. The Whole Food line is over there. He points to ANOTHER LINE of WHOLE FOODS CUSTOMERS. PATRICK Come on. None of you want to protest corporate America's influence on our government? WHOLE FOODS CUSTOMER Hey, that sounds pretty cool! (to the man in front of him) Could you save my place for, like, twenty minutes? The customer shakes his head. WHOLE FOODS CUSTOMER (to Patrick) Ah, sorry man. Looks like a no go on the protest today. IPHONE CUSTOMER 1 I'm actually in desperate need of organic beets. Anyone want to swap? A HIPSTER, in a mass of people, raises his hand. IPHONE CUSTOMER 1 Sweet! Thanks. CUSTOMER 1 trades places with him and stands near Patrick. PATRICK Uh, this is actually just Occupy Wall Street. IPHONE CUSTOMER 2 DAMMIT! HIPSTER (in line) Sorry, no takesies backsies. PATRICK (to the lines) Come on. None of you are embarrassed by this crass display of consumption? IPHONE CUSTOMER 3, in line, supports Patrick. IPHONE CUSTOMER 3 He's right! We should all be embarrassed! Specifically the people from this point forward. He motions to all the people in front of him in line. NOISES OF DISAPPROVAL at his obvious ploy. IPHONE CUSTOMER 3 (holding up his phone) Oh come on. I have to be here! I only have an iPhone 3! UNDERSTANDING NOISES from the crowd. Two especially scruffy HIPSTERS enter. HIPSTER 2 Uh, which of you are in line for CMJ tickets? WHOLE FOODS CUSTOMER None of us. CMJ was weeks ago. IPHONE CUSTOMER 2 And in Brooklyn. HIPSTER 2 (to his friend) Dude, I told you we overslept. Next to Patrick, a ROCKER holding a "WE ARE THE 1%" sign above his head speaks up. ROCKER We're actually in line for Grizzly Bear tickets, if you want in. PATRICK You're not protesting? What about your sign? ROCKER Well, when the line got this long, I figured I'd multi-task. PROTESTER I mean, I'm just protesting until my brunch reservation is ready. HOSTESS Ames, party of four! PROTESTER Oo, finally. The protester hands off his sign to Patrick as he exits. PATRICK Where is your dedication? Patrick points to one particularly NERVOUS MAN. PATRICK This guy's been here for six weeks! NERVOUS MAN I, uh, actually thought we were all waiting to cross the street. (beat) I now see that is not the case. He awkwardly exits. Patrick attempts to rally the crowd. PATRICK EVERYBODY! Crony capitalism is destroying our financial security! We need to rise above our materialistic desires! (re: the various lines) Whether it's an iPhone, organic produce, or concert tickets- MAN 2 We're, uh, actually in line for Louis CK tickets. PATRICK I don't care- Wait, I thought those were totally sold out. MAN 2 He just added another show. PATRICK Oh, shit, really? Patrick drops his sign and runs to join them. END.