By Ben Joseph & Patrick Cassels
INT. ESCAPE POD Rich and Larry drift through space in a cramped pod. Rich checks a console. RICH Well, that's it. The thrusters are done, we're going to drift through space in this crappy escape pod for the rest of eternity. LARRY Not true, actually. We only have thirty minutes of air, so. RICH Larry, before we die, there's something I have to confess. LARRY (gasps) I'm adopted? RICH What? Maybe? I don't- No. You know that medal I got? LARRY For valor in combat? INT. CELLBOCK - FLASHBACK Mid-battle. A Trooper instructs Rich, who holds the gun. TROOPER You're our last hope! Countless lives are at stake. NOBODY gets through this door. Got it? RICH Got it! The Trooper runs off. RICH Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. GRUFF REBEL (at the door) Pizza! RICH No- Oh, sweet, pizza! Rich opens the door to an ARMY OF REBELS. They barge past. RICH (looking at his wallet) Hey, I'm not going to be able to tip very well, so- INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT RICH I had to get that off my chest. (beat) So, anything you need to say? LARRY Yeah, that was really incompetent. RICH No, I mean, like, anything you want to confess? LARRY Actually, Rich, there is something I need to tell you. I had an inappropriate relationship with your fiancee. RICH WHAT?! Wait, what do you think is "inappropriate?" INT. PARTY - FLASHBACK DELANA, a hot blue-skinned alien babe, walks up to LARRY. DELANA Hi, I'm Delana. You must be Larry. LARRY WE CAN'T DO THIS! Larry sprints away SOBBING. INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT RICH That's not- Mine was so much worse! Don't you have anything else? Larry thinks for a second. INT. CELLBOCK - FLASHBACK Larry lowers CHASE, by his legs, into a TRASH CHUTE. LARRY Can you see my thermos? CHASE No! Just more rats! Are you sure it's down here? LARRY Yes! I'm sure! Look further- (notices something O.S.) Oh, there it is. Larry exits, letting of go Chase's legs. He falls down the chute with a loud WAIL. INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT LARRY (sobbing) I killed him! I killed Chase! RICH Oh, Lar, don't worry! You didn't kill him! LARRY Are- Are you sure? INT. HALLWAY - FLASHBACK Rich walks past the same trash chute with a BANANA PEEL. CHASE (O.S.) Hello? Anybody there? (a subtle "squeak") Ah, get off, you. (Rich drops the peel) Ew! What is that, a banana peel- Rich hits a LARGE RED BUTTON. The chute EMITS FIRE. Chase's complaints are cut off by a BLOOD-CURLING SCREAM. Rich FREEZES. INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT RICH (clearly lying) Yeah, I think he got out. LARRY In that case, I didn't want to admit it, but- INT. CELLBLOCK - FLASHBACK Larry casually throws a BALL OF PAPER into a WASTE BASKET. RICH Whoa! That's fifteen in a row! Nice work, Star-Man! INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT RICH A few things: That's not a confession, I never call you Star-Man, and you tell me that story EVERY DAY. LARRY Fine, you want the truth? INT. CELLBOCK - FLASHBACK Mid-battle. A Trooper instructs LARRY, who holds the gun. TROOPER You're our last hope! If the Insurgents get through this door, countless troops will die. LARRY You can count on me, sir! TROOPER Good luck, Star-Man. INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT RICH That's my story! LARRY Nah-uh. He called me Star-Man. Rich GROANS. LARRY Fine. Buckle the *&%$ up, because here comes a real bombshell. I killed Dreadlord. RICH No you didn't. LARRY I had an argument with Dreadlord. RICH Nope. LARRY I made eye contact with Dreadlord. RICH Really? LARRY (ashamed) No. RICH Look- Don't worry about it. At least I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. LARRY Ah, Rich, me too. (light chuckle) Hey, remember that time we were in that escape pod together- FLASHBACK TO: Rich and Larry climb inside the SAME ESCAPE POD. We see through the window it's safely inside the ship. RICH Why does Dreadlord even want these old pods cleaned? They're such death traps. I think they only have thirty minutes of air- As Rich talks and cleans, Larry spots a BIG BLUE BUTTON. Curious, he hits it and the pods EJECTS, knocking them down. LARRY OH NO IT MALFUCTIONED. BACK TO PRESENT: Rich trembles with fury. LARRY Best friends forever.... END.