Troopers: Escape Pod Confessions

By

Ben Joseph & Patrick Cassels

          INT. ESCAPE POD

          Rich and Larry drift through space in a cramped pod. Rich
          checks a console.

                              RICH
                    Well, that's it. The thrusters are
                    done, we're going to drift through
                    space in this crappy escape pod for
                    the rest of eternity.

                              LARRY
                    Not true, actually. We only have
                    thirty minutes of air, so.

                              RICH
                    Larry, before we die, there's
                    something I have to confess.

                              LARRY
                         (gasps)
                    I'm adopted?

                              RICH
                    What? Maybe? I don't- No. You know
                    that medal I got?

                              LARRY
                    For valor in combat?

          INT. CELLBOCK - FLASHBACK

          Mid-battle. A Trooper instructs Rich, who holds the gun.

                              TROOPER
                    You're our last hope! Countless
                    lives are at stake. NOBODY gets
                    through this door. Got it?

                              RICH
                    Got it!

          The Trooper runs off.

                              RICH
                    Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody.

                              GRUFF REBEL
                         (at the door)
                    Pizza!

                              RICH
                    No- Oh, sweet, pizza!

          Rich opens the door to an ARMY OF REBELS. They barge past.

                              RICH
                         (looking at his wallet)
                    Hey, I'm not going to be able to
                    tip very well, so-

          INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT

                              RICH
                    I had to get that off my chest.
                         (beat)
                    So, anything you need to say?

                              LARRY
                    Yeah, that was really incompetent.

                              RICH
                    No, I mean, like, anything you want
                    to confess?

                              LARRY
                    Actually, Rich, there is something
                    I need to tell you. I had an
                    inappropriate relationship with
                    your fiancee.

                              RICH
                    WHAT?! Wait, what do you think is
                    "inappropriate?"

          INT. PARTY - FLASHBACK

          DELANA, a hot blue-skinned alien babe, walks up to LARRY.

                              DELANA
                    Hi, I'm Delana. You must be Larry.

                              LARRY
                    WE CAN'T DO THIS!

          Larry sprints away SOBBING.

          INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT

                              RICH
                    That's not- Mine was so much worse!
                    Don't you have anything else?

          Larry thinks for a second.

          INT. CELLBOCK - FLASHBACK

          Larry lowers CHASE, by his legs, into a TRASH CHUTE.

                              LARRY
                    Can you see my thermos?

                              CHASE
                    No! Just more rats! Are you sure
                    it's down here?

                              LARRY
                    Yes! I'm sure! Look further-
                         (notices something O.S.)
                    Oh, there it is.

          Larry exits, letting of go Chase's legs. He falls down the
          chute with a loud WAIL.

          INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT

                              LARRY
                         (sobbing)
                    I killed him! I killed Chase!

                              RICH
                    Oh, Lar, don't worry! You didn't
                    kill him!

                              LARRY
                    Are- Are you sure?

          INT. HALLWAY - FLASHBACK

          Rich walks past the same trash chute with a BANANA PEEL.

                              CHASE (O.S.)
                    Hello? Anybody there?
                         (a subtle "squeak")
                    Ah, get off, you.
                         (Rich drops the peel)
                    Ew! What is that, a banana peel-

          Rich hits a LARGE RED BUTTON. The chute EMITS FIRE. Chase's
          complaints are cut off by a BLOOD-CURLING SCREAM. Rich
          FREEZES.

          INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT

                              RICH
                         (clearly lying)
                    Yeah, I think he got out.

                              LARRY
                    In that case, I didn't want to
                    admit it, but-

          INT. CELLBLOCK - FLASHBACK

          Larry casually throws a BALL OF PAPER into a WASTE BASKET.

                              RICH
                    Whoa! That's fifteen in a row! Nice
                    work, Star-Man!

          INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT

                              RICH
                    A few things: That's not a
                    confession, I never call you
                    Star-Man, and you tell me that
                    story EVERY DAY.

                              LARRY
                    Fine, you want the truth?

          INT. CELLBOCK - FLASHBACK

          Mid-battle. A Trooper instructs LARRY, who holds the gun.

                              TROOPER
                    You're our last hope! If the
                    Insurgents get through this door,
                    countless troops will die.

                              LARRY
                    You can count on me, sir!

                              TROOPER
                    Good luck, Star-Man.

          INT. ESCAPE POD - PRESENT

                              RICH
                    That's my story!

                              LARRY
                    Nah-uh. He called me Star-Man.

          Rich GROANS.

                              LARRY
                    Fine. Buckle the *&%$ up, because
                    here comes a real bombshell.
                    I killed Dreadlord.

                              RICH
                    No you didn't.

                              LARRY
                    I had an argument with Dreadlord.

                              RICH
                    Nope.

                              LARRY
                    I made eye contact with Dreadlord.

                              RICH
                    Really?

                              LARRY
                         (ashamed)
                    No.

                              RICH
                    Look- Don't worry about it. At
                    least I get to spend the rest of my
                    life with my best friend.

                              LARRY
                    Ah, Rich, me too.
                         (light chuckle)
                    Hey, remember that time we were in
                    that escape pod together-

          FLASHBACK TO: Rich and Larry climb inside the SAME ESCAPE
          POD. We see through the window it's safely inside the ship.

                              RICH
                    Why does Dreadlord even want these
                    old pods cleaned? They're such
                    death traps. I think they only have
                    thirty minutes of air-

          As Rich talks and cleans, Larry spots a BIG BLUE BUTTON.
          Curious, he hits it and the pods EJECTS, knocking them down.

                              LARRY
                    OH NO IT MALFUCTIONED.

          BACK TO PRESENT:

          Rich trembles with fury.

                              LARRY
                    Best friends forever....

          END.