Brunchables

By

Dan Gurewitch

          NOTE: Tone/style of a cheesy, high-octane 90s ad.

          INT. SUBURBAN HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

          Young BOY 1 and GIRL 1 (10-ish?) sit at the table, sad. They
          (and ALL KIDS in the ad) have a definitive HIPSTER LOOK -
          tight gym shorts & ironic Ts, tight jeans & plaid shirts,
          large black-framed glasses, etc. Overexcited 90s narrator:

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It's 1:45 on a Sunday, and your
                    tummy's growling. But breakfast is
                    BLAH and lunch is LAME!

          TITLES: "Breakfast" appears, only to have the word "BLAH!"
          SLAM over it. Same with "Lunch" and "LAME!"

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You need BRUNCHABLES!

          EXT. SUNNY DAY (WHEREVER)

          CHEESY ZOOM to BOYS 1 & 2 and GIRLS 1 & 2: standing in a
          row, they thrust BRUNCHABLES packages out in front of them.
          BRUNCHABLES LOGO slams onto the screen.

                              ALL 4 KIDS
                    BRUNCHABLES!

          INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

          The four kids sit at their lunch table, excitedly opening up
          their individual Brunchables packages.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Developed at Oscar Mayer's Brooklyn
                    headquarters, Brunchables is a fun
                    new take on classic chow that kids
                    love!

          Boy 2 finishes opening his. As food is described from here
          onward, we see CU SHOTS of MINIATURE VERSIONS OF CLASSY
          BRUNCH FOOD in classic Lunchables plastic containers.

                              BOY 1
                         ("Oh boy!")
                    Eggs Benedict with fresh radicchio,
                    kale, couscous and salsa verde! And
                    a pouch of Mimosa!

                              BOY 2 & GIRL 2
                    AWESOME!!!

                              GIRL 1
                    I got a Dutch pancake and Eggs
                    Rothko with raisin fennel toast,
                    grits, apple butter and fair-trade
                    coffee!

                              BOY 2
                    Trade me for my frittata and
                    caramelized grapefruit with mint?

                              GIRL 1
                    If you throw in some pro bono
                    graphic design work!

                              BOY 2 & GIRL 2
                         (turn to each other, scream)
                    WHOA!

          EXT. BACKYARD PORCH - DAY

          BOY 3 and GIRL 3 sit at a table, sleepy and sad.

                              BOY 3
                    My mom forgot to make us brunch
                    because she's at kickball.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Try BRUNCHABLES MAX! Two exciting
                    new varieties!

          High-energy cuts and zooms of super-exciting product shots
          and graphics of these meals and their names:

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    TROPICAL SLAM: Sardine-radish
                    tapenade on a baguette, and a side
                    of chorizo and pickled onion slaw!
                    And BERRY BERRY BLAST: Homemade
                    sorgum granola Meuslix with organic
                    milk and elderberries!

                              GIRL 3
                    The elderberries are locally-grown!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Don't forget your mini cervesa!

          Attached to the side of a Brunchables container: A TINY CAN of CERVESA.
          Then, cut to a GAME PIECE on the underside of the box:

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Scratch off the game piece on the
                    bottom of your Brunchables to win
                    bottomless Bloody Marys!

          BOY 3 sucks down a mini Bloody Mary - a little applesauce
          container with red liquid inside - and tosses it onto a pile
          of 20 MORE EMPTY CONTAINERS.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And now in specially-marked
                    Brunchables, an independent cinema
                    word jumble and a tiny New York
                    Times!

          INSERT: A tiny word jumble, with the phrase "WAKING LIFE"
          circled. Then GIRL 3 looks up from the TINY NEWSPAPER she's
          holding between her fingers and shakes her head, smiling.

                              GIRL 3
                    From my brain to Paul Krugman's
                    Op-Ed!

          Final PRODUCT SHOT: Various BRUNCHABLES containers with
          their ridiculously elaborate miniature food, flanked by tiny
          Tecates, Bloody Marys and newspapers. $24.99 Each.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Brunchables, from Oscar Mayer
                    Brooklyn. It's a tiny little
                    plastic container, but it somehow
                    still takes three hours to eat!

          END.