By Dan Gurewitch
NOTE: Tone/style of a cheesy, high-octane 90s ad. INT. SUBURBAN HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY Young BOY 1 and GIRL 1 (10-ish?) sit at the table, sad. They (and ALL KIDS in the ad) have a definitive HIPSTER LOOK - tight gym shorts & ironic Ts, tight jeans & plaid shirts, large black-framed glasses, etc. Overexcited 90s narrator: NARRATOR (V.O.) It's 1:45 on a Sunday, and your tummy's growling. But breakfast is BLAH and lunch is LAME! TITLES: "Breakfast" appears, only to have the word "BLAH!" SLAM over it. Same with "Lunch" and "LAME!" NARRATOR (V.O.) You need BRUNCHABLES! EXT. SUNNY DAY (WHEREVER) CHEESY ZOOM to BOYS 1 & 2 and GIRLS 1 & 2: standing in a row, they thrust BRUNCHABLES packages out in front of them. BRUNCHABLES LOGO slams onto the screen. ALL 4 KIDS BRUNCHABLES! INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY The four kids sit at their lunch table, excitedly opening up their individual Brunchables packages. NARRATOR (V.O.) Developed at Oscar Mayer's Brooklyn headquarters, Brunchables is a fun new take on classic chow that kids love! Boy 2 finishes opening his. As food is described from here onward, we see CU SHOTS of MINIATURE VERSIONS OF CLASSY BRUNCH FOOD in classic Lunchables plastic containers. BOY 1 ("Oh boy!") Eggs Benedict with fresh radicchio, kale, couscous and salsa verde! And a pouch of Mimosa! BOY 2 & GIRL 2 AWESOME!!! GIRL 1 I got a Dutch pancake and Eggs Rothko with raisin fennel toast, grits, apple butter and fair-trade coffee! BOY 2 Trade me for my frittata and caramelized grapefruit with mint? GIRL 1 If you throw in some pro bono graphic design work! BOY 2 & GIRL 2 (turn to each other, scream) WHOA! EXT. BACKYARD PORCH - DAY BOY 3 and GIRL 3 sit at a table, sleepy and sad. BOY 3 My mom forgot to make us brunch because she's at kickball. NARRATOR (V.O.) Try BRUNCHABLES MAX! Two exciting new varieties! High-energy cuts and zooms of super-exciting product shots and graphics of these meals and their names: NARRATOR (V.O.) TROPICAL SLAM: Sardine-radish tapenade on a baguette, and a side of chorizo and pickled onion slaw! And BERRY BERRY BLAST: Homemade sorgum granola Meuslix with organic milk and elderberries! GIRL 3 The elderberries are locally-grown! NARRATOR (V.O.) Don't forget your mini cervesa! Attached to the side of a Brunchables container: A TINY CAN of CERVESA. Then, cut to a GAME PIECE on the underside of the box: NARRATOR (V.O.) Scratch off the game piece on the bottom of your Brunchables to win bottomless Bloody Marys! BOY 3 sucks down a mini Bloody Mary - a little applesauce container with red liquid inside - and tosses it onto a pile of 20 MORE EMPTY CONTAINERS. NARRATOR (V.O.) And now in specially-marked Brunchables, an independent cinema word jumble and a tiny New York Times! INSERT: A tiny word jumble, with the phrase "WAKING LIFE" circled. Then GIRL 3 looks up from the TINY NEWSPAPER she's holding between her fingers and shakes her head, smiling. GIRL 3 From my brain to Paul Krugman's Op-Ed! Final PRODUCT SHOT: Various BRUNCHABLES containers with their ridiculously elaborate miniature food, flanked by tiny Tecates, Bloody Marys and newspapers. $24.99 Each. NARRATOR (V.O.) Brunchables, from Oscar Mayer Brooklyn. It's a tiny little plastic container, but it somehow still takes three hours to eat! END.