These human beings are proud to be Human Beings.
By Ben Joseph & David Young
TITLE CARD: GREENDALE TV LOGO V.O. This ad was produced with the help of the Greendale AV Kidz. The Greendale AV Kidz: We're also the Chess Club! STATIC CUT TO: INT. DEAN'S OFFICE DEAN PELTON looks up from a book and addresses camera. DEAN PELTON Hi. Dean Pelton here. Due to a teensy little attendance problem - and a rather tenacious grease fire - Greendale has to close its doors for a few months. The Dean stands up.¬† DEAN PELTON However, while we're away, we hope you don't forget all the great things Greendale has to offer. INT. LIBRARY JEFF stands in front of the stacks. JEFF Greendale provides valuable services to the community. Such as: Overflow parking for the White Castle next door.¬† BULLET POINT GRAPHIC: -OVERFLOW PARKING FOR THE WHITE CASTLE NEXT DOOR. A short beat. INT. STUDY ROOM ANNIE and TROY address camera. ANNIE Sure, some people call Greendale a¬† "fifth-rate safety school." (laughs) What, would you rather go to a "danger school?" TROY (clearly lying) That doesn't sound cool to me at all! INT. CLASSROOM BRITTA sits on a desk next to a box of SOGGY MAGAZINES. BRITTA Greendale currently maintains the world's largest collection of water damaged National Geographics. (smug) Beat that, Dartmouth. EXT. CAMPUS ABED walks toward camera. ABED Wi-fi enabled. Handicap accessible. Raccoon free. With your support, Greendale could be all of these things by the end of 2014. INT. HALLWAY STARBURNS walks down the hallway. STARBURNS If Greendale doesn't reopen, you'll miss our Spring Spectacular, featuring appearances by this picture of Luis Guzman and this cease and desist from [CENSORED]. He holds up a picture of Luis Guzman and a framed cease and desist. The cease and desist is blurred out. EXT. CAMPUS The Dean gestures to the school behind him. DEAN PELTON It would actually cost the city more to tear Greendale down then to keep it running. (beat) Is a fact that, if true, would really help us out. INT. CAFETERIA PIERCE sits at a table and talks to not-quite camera. PIERCE I met Ted Danson in a Chili's once. (beat) He was unpleasant. EXT. CAMPUS¬† SHIRLEY sits on a bench. SHIRLEY Greendale has a long tradition of sheltering the homeless! (beat) We're too scared to ask them to go anywhere else. REVEAL: Two scary BUMS sleeping next to her. One YAWNS, unintentionally grazing Shirley. She jumps a bit. SHIRLEY (to bum, nervously) Oh, hello. EXT. CAMPUS Dean Pelton stands with a number of students. DEAN PELTON So come back and see us soon! We know the Greendale Experience is one you'll never forget. (beat) The Greendale Experience. Because we're not legally allowed to call it an education. In the background, a SCREAMING STUDENT runs by, trying to pull a raccoon off his neck. SAVE GREENDALE comes up. END.