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The set of an early 1960s Christmas special. Our host, ED LARSON, addresses camera as the audience applauds.
ED: Let’s hear it one more time for Brother Jansen and his All-Ferret Choir. Next up, I’m very happy to announce, teen heartthrob Dallas Conrad is here!
Audience SHRIEKS as DALLAS CONRAD, a young crooner, takes the stage.
ED: Now, Dallas is going to sing a little song to tell us where he gets his holiday spirit. Isn't that right?
DALLAS: Sure is, Ed. A one, two, three, four…
The band starts up a jazzy Christmas number. Dallas starts singing.
Now, Christmas is a gift from heaven above
Like an angel flew down and sprinkled us with love
For some brandy or eggnog is a holiday must
But my Christmas spirit comes from angel dust
ED: Isn’t that sweet, folks?
When it's cold outside and won't stop snowing
One magical feeling keeps me going
I breathe deep some angel dust into my lungs
I get so full of cheer my toenails go numb
Soon I'm shaking with so much holiday power
That I'll wrap a hundred gifts in a single hour
Got me riding so high on Christmas time
I'll trim fifty trees, rip out Santa's spine
ED: I’m sorry, what?
I'm jonesing for Christmas like a holiday fiend
My eyes are red and my gums are green
I want to tear off wrapping paper and my skin
Oh no, I think I hear reindeer on the roof again
Dallas looks a little crazy-eyed by this point.
DALLAS: (spoken, to Ed) You hear them right? TELL ME YOU HEAR THEM!!
My folks want me to stop this angel dust obsession
Cops want to arrest me for its possession
But I tell 'em loving Christmas is my only crime
(Not quite singing)
And I'll f&%$ing murder all of you before I do hard time!
DALLAS: I could do it, too! I can dodge bullets! All elf-kings can!
Abruptly back to happy singing:
If you want your own angel dust, won't take you a while
Just take a left at dream and go north at a smile
Follow your heart through the deep white snow
Then ignore those directions and buy it from Toothless Joe
There is now a SCARY HOMELESS MAN with Dallas.
ED: Uh, security?
DALLAS: Time for the Angel Dust shuffle, everyone!
Joined by two obviously strung out BACK-UP DANCERS and TOOTHLESS JOE, Dallas snaps his fingers and chants:
DALLAS & BACK-UP DANCERS: You stagger to the left, stagger to the right, and then you throw your hands up and yell… I’M INVINCIBLE! THE KINGDOM OF SNOWFLAKES WILL BE MINE! ALL MY ENEMIES WILL BURN IN THE HOT COCOA OF HELL! AHHH!
Toothless Joe SCREAMS and jumps through a window at the back of the set.
My skin is pine needles and I can see pain
Frosty the snowman wants to eat my brain
If you also want to feel this holiday rush
The secret ingredient is angel dust!
Dallas finishes with a flourish. Guards run on with cattle prods and TASER him.