Battlestar Galactica RPG

By

Ben Joseph

          NOTE: All text boxes have their corners cut off, just like
          the paper in BSG.

          TITLE CARD over a CYLON HEAD: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE
          SERIES. After a beat, a tiny addition: (THE GOOD ONE) 

          From the options below, a pointer selects NEW GAME. CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: SEASON 1

          INT. BALTAR'S HOUSE

          BALTAR pushes NUMBER SIX into his house. They KISS. Number
          Six stops him.

          NUMBER SIX: Don't you have something for me?

          We enter Baltar's INVENTORY. He moves his cursor through a
          few items: KEYS, CUBITS, CONDOMS, HOOKSHOT before finally
          picking PLANETARY DEFENSE CODES.

          TEXT BOX: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DOOM HUMANITY FOR A HOT
          PIECE OF ASS? >YES >ABSOLUTELY NOT! >IS SHE INTO WEIRD
          STUFF?

          Baltar picks the THIRD OPTION.

          TEXT BOX: YEAH, PROBABLY. >AWESOME. >YES.

          Baltar chooses "YES."

          An EXPLOSION outside. The screen goes WHITE.

          16-BIT STILL: OUTER SPACE. The COLONIAL flees CAPRICA as
          EXPLOSIONS consume the surface of the planet. CUT TO:

          TEXT BOX: AWESOME SPACE BATTLES GO!

          A SIDE-SCROLLING SPACE BATTLE MINI-GAME. A VIPER (labeled
          STARBUCK) dodges attacks from a horde of CYLON RAIDERS.

          A METER labeled SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET quickly depletes in
          the upper left hand corner. When it reaches empty:

          TEXT BOX: EFFECTS BUDGET DEPLETED! SWITCHING TO "DEBATES IN
          SPACESHIPS" MODE.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

          A BATTLE SEQUENCE. ROSLIN and BILLY battle ADAMA and TIGH.

          A cursor selects "INTIMIDATE" from Adama's list of attacks.
          (Other options: GROWL, GROW MUSTACHE) Adama hops forward and
          crosses his arms. (Maybe a cool battle effect, as well?)

          TEXT BOX: ADAMA USED "INTIMIDATE".

          TEXT BOX: PRESIDENT ROSLIN IS IMMUNE!

          A zero pops up over her head.

          TEXT BOX: PRESIDENT ROSLIN USED "LECTURE ON NEED FOR STRONG,
          ENDURING DEMOCRACY".

          Roslin hops forward. Her attack: A STERN WORD BUBBLE appears
          above her head as she waves her finger at Adama. He flashes
          DAMAGE. BOOMER enters behind him.

          TEXT BOX: BOOMER JOINED YOUR PARTY.

          ADAMA: Boomer! Glad you're here and definitely not a Cylon.
          Now-

          BOOMER SHOOTS ADAMA.

          TITLE CARD: SEASON 2

          EXT. SPACE

          The GALACTICA chugs through space in a TOP-DOWN map.
          Suddenly, an ENCOUNTER NOISE!

          TEXTBOX: GALACTICA found a wild PEGASUS!

          A pleasant SUCCESS NOISE. A PORTRAIT of the BATTLESTAR
          PEGASUS pops up.

          TEXT BOX: ...but it turned out to be full of jerks.

          A FAILURE NOISE.

          CROSS DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. COLONIAL 1

          BALTAR stands behind his desk on the capital ship.

          TEXT BOX: CONGRATULATIONS, BALTAR! YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED
          PRESIDENT OF NEW CAPRICA.

          TEXT BOX: HOW WILL YOU ALLOCATE YOUR RESOURCES?

          CUT TO a "RESOURCE MANAGEMENT" screen. Various vertical bars
          with numbers under them represent each resource.

          Baltar subtracts all the points from "DEFENSE" and
          "DEVELOPMENT" and instead puts them into "PROSTITUTES" and
          "NARCOTICS". After a beat, he puts one point in "HAIR GEL."

          Back in the office, CYLONS (a 6, a 5, two CENTURIONS) enter.

          TEXT BOX: OH NO! THE CYLONS HAVE FOUND YOU! WHAT WILL YOU
          DO?

          As they talk, an ACTION BOX with three OPTIONS pops up:
          GROVEL / SURRENDER / CRY

          The cursor selects ALL THREE AT ONCE. Baltar immediately
          falls to his knees.

          TITLE CARD: SEASON 3

          INT. CYLON PRISON CELL

          TIGH, in his CAPRICA GEAR, battles LEOBEN. Tigh uses an
          ability called TAUNT.

          TIGH: We'll never surrender, you frakkin' toaster!

          TEXT BOX: LEOBEN USED "TORTURE".

          Leoben smacks Tigh around. Tigh starts FLASHING.

          TEXT BOX: COLONEL TIGH IS EVOLVING!

          A PORTRAIT of Tigh pops up. It flashes into Tigh with an
          eyepatch.

          TEXT BOX: COLONEL TIGH EVOLVED INTO... A PIRATE!

          TEXT BOX: SURLINESS +10, -5 to DEPTH PERCEPTION

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

          TEXT BOX: LEE ADAMA HAS BEEN CURSED WITH "WEIGHT GAIN"!

          Lee Adama morphs into a FAT VERSION OF HIMSELF. The status
          ailment "FAT" appears over his head.

          TEXT BOX: HIT "B" TO JUMP ROPE!

          A BLUE "B" BUTTON depresses rapidly as Lee jumps rope,
          gradually losing the weight.

          TEXT BOX: NOW HIT "A" TO FORGET THIS PLOT LINE ENTIRELY!

          A RED "A" BUTTON depresses much more rapidly, causing Lee to
          jump rope faster. He hops to the right and off-screen.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          GRAPHIC: A SLOT MACHINE with FOUR EMPTY SLOTS.

          TEXT BOX: WHO ARE THE FINAL CYLONS? HIT "X" TO FIND OUT!

          The slot machine's LEVER is pulled. VARIOUS FACES flip
          through. Finally, in order they land: ANDERS, TOREY, TYROL.

          The final slot holds on MUFFIT (from the original series)
          for a moment. A hand SMACKS the slots and it flips to TIGH.

          A TITLE pops up (i.e., "JACKPOT"): TOTALLY PLANNED! A sting
          from the BSG cover of "All Along The Watchtower" plays.

          TITLE CARD: SEASON 4

          INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

          STARBUCK walks through GALACTICA. CENTURIONS fight HUMANS
          and CYLONS. Starbuck reaches a console.

          From a menu, STARBUCK casts a SPELLS called DEUS EX MACHINA.
          After a SPELL EFFECT:

          STARBUCK: The song! Of course! That was the key to finding
          Earth all along!

          She types into the console. Tigh enters from left.

          TIGH: Wait, what about the opera house? And the baby?

          STARBUCK: Yes. Those were also important for some reason.

          TEXT BOX: WRITERS USED "RESOLVE ALL PLOTLINES"!

          TEXT BOX: IT'S... KIND OF EFFECTIVE.

          The screen shakes. FADE TO WHITE.

          EXT. EARTH

          STARBUCK and LEE stand on a cliff.

          TEXT BOX: THE HUMANS FINALLY REACHED EARTH!

          Starbuck flickers and VANISHES.

          TEXT BOX: STARBUCK DISAPPEARS... I GUESS?

          LEE: Well, at least the series ended on a nice, quiet-

          The screen starts SHAKING. A large BEARDED MAN (RON MOORE)
          rises from behind the cliff, surrounded by DANCING ROBOTS.
          (Real robots like ASIMO mixed with fictional ones like
          WALL-E.)

          TEXT: FINAL BOSS: RON MOORE AND DANCING ROBOT FUTURE ARMY!

          They dance to a chiptune version of Jimi Hendrix's "All
          Along The Watchtower."

          LEE: ...

          END.