So save we all.
By Ben Joseph
NOTE: All text boxes have their corners cut off, just like the paper in BSG. TITLE CARD over a CYLON HEAD: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE SERIES. After a beat, a tiny addition: (THE GOOD ONE) From the options below, a pointer selects NEW GAME. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: SEASON 1 INT. BALTAR'S HOUSE BALTAR pushes NUMBER SIX into his house. They KISS. Number Six stops him. NUMBER SIX: Don't you have something for me? We enter Baltar's INVENTORY. He moves his cursor through a few items: KEYS, CUBITS, CONDOMS, HOOKSHOT before finally picking PLANETARY DEFENSE CODES. TEXT BOX: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DOOM HUMANITY FOR A HOT PIECE OF ASS? >YES >ABSOLUTELY NOT! >IS SHE INTO WEIRD STUFF? Baltar picks the THIRD OPTION. TEXT BOX: YEAH, PROBABLY. >AWESOME. >YES. Baltar chooses "YES." An EXPLOSION outside. The screen goes WHITE. 16-BIT STILL: OUTER SPACE. The COLONIAL flees CAPRICA as EXPLOSIONS consume the surface of the planet. CUT TO: TEXT BOX: AWESOME SPACE BATTLES GO! A SIDE-SCROLLING SPACE BATTLE MINI-GAME. A VIPER (labeled STARBUCK) dodges attacks from a horde of CYLON RAIDERS. A METER labeled SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET quickly depletes in the upper left hand corner. When it reaches empty: TEXT BOX: EFFECTS BUDGET DEPLETED! SWITCHING TO "DEBATES IN SPACESHIPS" MODE. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA A BATTLE SEQUENCE. ROSLIN and BILLY battle ADAMA and TIGH. A cursor selects "INTIMIDATE" from Adama's list of attacks. (Other options: GROWL, GROW MUSTACHE) Adama hops forward and crosses his arms. (Maybe a cool battle effect, as well?) TEXT BOX: ADAMA USED "INTIMIDATE". TEXT BOX: PRESIDENT ROSLIN IS IMMUNE! A zero pops up over her head. TEXT BOX: PRESIDENT ROSLIN USED "LECTURE ON NEED FOR STRONG, ENDURING DEMOCRACY". Roslin hops forward. Her attack: A STERN WORD BUBBLE appears above her head as she waves her finger at Adama. He flashes DAMAGE. BOOMER enters behind him. TEXT BOX: BOOMER JOINED YOUR PARTY. ADAMA: Boomer! Glad you're here and definitely not a Cylon. Now- BOOMER SHOOTS ADAMA. TITLE CARD: SEASON 2 EXT. SPACE The GALACTICA chugs through space in a TOP-DOWN map. Suddenly, an ENCOUNTER NOISE! TEXTBOX: GALACTICA found a wild PEGASUS! A pleasant SUCCESS NOISE. A PORTRAIT of the BATTLESTAR PEGASUS pops up. TEXT BOX: ...but it turned out to be full of jerks. A FAILURE NOISE. CROSS DISSOLVE TO: INT. COLONIAL 1 BALTAR stands behind his desk on the capital ship. TEXT BOX: CONGRATULATIONS, BALTAR! YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED PRESIDENT OF NEW CAPRICA. TEXT BOX: HOW WILL YOU ALLOCATE YOUR RESOURCES? CUT TO a "RESOURCE MANAGEMENT" screen. Various vertical bars with numbers under them represent each resource. Baltar subtracts all the points from "DEFENSE" and "DEVELOPMENT" and instead puts them into "PROSTITUTES" and "NARCOTICS". After a beat, he puts one point in "HAIR GEL." Back in the office, CYLONS (a 6, a 5, two CENTURIONS) enter. TEXT BOX: OH NO! THE CYLONS HAVE FOUND YOU! WHAT WILL YOU DO? As they talk, an ACTION BOX with three OPTIONS pops up: GROVEL / SURRENDER / CRY The cursor selects ALL THREE AT ONCE. Baltar immediately falls to his knees. TITLE CARD: SEASON 3 INT. CYLON PRISON CELL TIGH, in his CAPRICA GEAR, battles LEOBEN. Tigh uses an ability called TAUNT. TIGH: We'll never surrender, you frakkin' toaster! TEXT BOX: LEOBEN USED "TORTURE". Leoben smacks Tigh around. Tigh starts FLASHING. TEXT BOX: COLONEL TIGH IS EVOLVING! A PORTRAIT of Tigh pops up. It flashes into Tigh with an eyepatch. TEXT BOX: COLONEL TIGH EVOLVED INTO... A PIRATE! TEXT BOX: SURLINESS +10, -5 to DEPTH PERCEPTION DISSOLVE TO: INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TEXT BOX: LEE ADAMA HAS BEEN CURSED WITH "WEIGHT GAIN"! Lee Adama morphs into a FAT VERSION OF HIMSELF. The status ailment "FAT" appears over his head. TEXT BOX: HIT "B" TO JUMP ROPE! A BLUE "B" BUTTON depresses rapidly as Lee jumps rope, gradually losing the weight. TEXT BOX: NOW HIT "A" TO FORGET THIS PLOT LINE ENTIRELY! A RED "A" BUTTON depresses much more rapidly, causing Lee to jump rope faster. He hops to the right and off-screen. DISSOLVE TO: GRAPHIC: A SLOT MACHINE with FOUR EMPTY SLOTS. TEXT BOX: WHO ARE THE FINAL CYLONS? HIT "X" TO FIND OUT! The slot machine's LEVER is pulled. VARIOUS FACES flip through. Finally, in order they land: ANDERS, TOREY, TYROL. The final slot holds on MUFFIT (from the original series) for a moment. A hand SMACKS the slots and it flips to TIGH. A TITLE pops up (i.e., "JACKPOT"): TOTALLY PLANNED! A sting from the BSG cover of "All Along The Watchtower" plays. TITLE CARD: SEASON 4 INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA STARBUCK walks through GALACTICA. CENTURIONS fight HUMANS and CYLONS. Starbuck reaches a console. From a menu, STARBUCK casts a SPELLS called DEUS EX MACHINA. After a SPELL EFFECT: STARBUCK: The song! Of course! That was the key to finding Earth all along! She types into the console. Tigh enters from left. TIGH: Wait, what about the opera house? And the baby? STARBUCK: Yes. Those were also important for some reason. TEXT BOX: WRITERS USED "RESOLVE ALL PLOTLINES"! TEXT BOX: IT'S... KIND OF EFFECTIVE. The screen shakes. FADE TO WHITE. EXT. EARTH STARBUCK and LEE stand on a cliff. TEXT BOX: THE HUMANS FINALLY REACHED EARTH! Starbuck flickers and VANISHES. TEXT BOX: STARBUCK DISAPPEARS... I GUESS? LEE: Well, at least the series ended on a nice, quiet- The screen starts SHAKING. A large BEARDED MAN (RON MOORE) rises from behind the cliff, surrounded by DANCING ROBOTS. (Real robots like ASIMO mixed with fictional ones like WALL-E.) TEXT: FINAL BOSS: RON MOORE AND DANCING ROBOT FUTURE ARMY! They dance to a chiptune version of Jimi Hendrix's "All Along The Watchtower." LEE: ... END.