So save we all.
By Ben Joseph
NOTE: All text boxes have their corners cut off, just like
the paper in BSG.
TITLE CARD over a CYLON HEAD: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE
SERIES. After a beat, a tiny addition: (THE GOOD ONE)
From the options below, a pointer selects NEW GAME. CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: SEASON 1
INT. BALTAR'S HOUSE
BALTAR pushes NUMBER SIX into his house. They KISS. Number
Six stops him.
NUMBER SIX: Don't you have something for me?
We enter Baltar's INVENTORY. He moves his cursor through a
few items: KEYS, CUBITS, CONDOMS, HOOKSHOT before finally
picking PLANETARY DEFENSE CODES.
TEXT BOX: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DOOM HUMANITY FOR A HOT
PIECE OF ASS? >YES >ABSOLUTELY NOT! >IS SHE INTO WEIRD
Baltar picks the THIRD OPTION.
TEXT BOX: YEAH, PROBABLY. >AWESOME. >YES.
Baltar chooses "YES."
An EXPLOSION outside. The screen goes WHITE.
16-BIT STILL: OUTER SPACE. The COLONIAL flees CAPRICA as
EXPLOSIONS consume the surface of the planet. CUT TO:
TEXT BOX: AWESOME SPACE BATTLES GO!
A SIDE-SCROLLING SPACE BATTLE MINI-GAME. A VIPER (labeled
STARBUCK) dodges attacks from a horde of CYLON RAIDERS.
A METER labeled SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET quickly depletes in
the upper left hand corner. When it reaches empty:
TEXT BOX: EFFECTS BUDGET DEPLETED! SWITCHING TO "DEBATES IN
INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
A BATTLE SEQUENCE. ROSLIN and BILLY battle ADAMA and TIGH.
A cursor selects "INTIMIDATE" from Adama's list of attacks.
(Other options: GROWL, GROW MUSTACHE) Adama hops forward and
crosses his arms. (Maybe a cool battle effect, as well?)
TEXT BOX: ADAMA USED "INTIMIDATE".
TEXT BOX: PRESIDENT ROSLIN IS IMMUNE!
A zero pops up over her head.
TEXT BOX: PRESIDENT ROSLIN USED "LECTURE ON NEED FOR STRONG,
Roslin hops forward. Her attack: A STERN WORD BUBBLE appears
above her head as she waves her finger at Adama. He flashes
DAMAGE. BOOMER enters behind him.
TEXT BOX: BOOMER JOINED YOUR PARTY.
ADAMA: Boomer! Glad you're here and definitely not a Cylon.
BOOMER SHOOTS ADAMA.
TITLE CARD: SEASON 2
The GALACTICA chugs through space in a TOP-DOWN map.
Suddenly, an ENCOUNTER NOISE!
TEXTBOX: GALACTICA found a wild PEGASUS!
A pleasant SUCCESS NOISE. A PORTRAIT of the BATTLESTAR
PEGASUS pops up.
TEXT BOX: ...but it turned out to be full of jerks.
A FAILURE NOISE.
CROSS DISSOLVE TO:
INT. COLONIAL 1
BALTAR stands behind his desk on the capital ship.
TEXT BOX: CONGRATULATIONS, BALTAR! YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED
PRESIDENT OF NEW CAPRICA.
TEXT BOX: HOW WILL YOU ALLOCATE YOUR RESOURCES?
CUT TO a "RESOURCE MANAGEMENT" screen. Various vertical bars
with numbers under them represent each resource.
Baltar subtracts all the points from "DEFENSE" and
"DEVELOPMENT" and instead puts them into "PROSTITUTES" and
"NARCOTICS". After a beat, he puts one point in "HAIR GEL."
Back in the office, CYLONS (a 6, a 5, two CENTURIONS) enter.
TEXT BOX: OH NO! THE CYLONS HAVE FOUND YOU! WHAT WILL YOU
As they talk, an ACTION BOX with three OPTIONS pops up:
GROVEL / SURRENDER / CRY
The cursor selects ALL THREE AT ONCE. Baltar immediately
falls to his knees.
TITLE CARD: SEASON 3
INT. CYLON PRISON CELL
TIGH, in his CAPRICA GEAR, battles LEOBEN. Tigh uses an
ability called TAUNT.
TIGH: We'll never surrender, you frakkin' toaster!
TEXT BOX: LEOBEN USED "TORTURE".
Leoben smacks Tigh around. Tigh starts FLASHING.
TEXT BOX: COLONEL TIGH IS EVOLVING!
A PORTRAIT of Tigh pops up. It flashes into Tigh with an
TEXT BOX: COLONEL TIGH EVOLVED INTO... A PIRATE!
TEXT BOX: SURLINESS +10, -5 to DEPTH PERCEPTION
INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
TEXT BOX: LEE ADAMA HAS BEEN CURSED WITH "WEIGHT GAIN"!
Lee Adama morphs into a FAT VERSION OF HIMSELF. The status
ailment "FAT" appears over his head.
TEXT BOX: HIT "B" TO JUMP ROPE!
A BLUE "B" BUTTON depresses rapidly as Lee jumps rope,
gradually losing the weight.
TEXT BOX: NOW HIT "A" TO FORGET THIS PLOT LINE ENTIRELY!
A RED "A" BUTTON depresses much more rapidly, causing Lee to
jump rope faster. He hops to the right and off-screen.
GRAPHIC: A SLOT MACHINE with FOUR EMPTY SLOTS.
TEXT BOX: WHO ARE THE FINAL CYLONS? HIT "X" TO FIND OUT!
The slot machine's LEVER is pulled. VARIOUS FACES flip
through. Finally, in order they land: ANDERS, TOREY, TYROL.
The final slot holds on MUFFIT (from the original series)
for a moment. A hand SMACKS the slots and it flips to TIGH.
A TITLE pops up (i.e., "JACKPOT"): TOTALLY PLANNED! A sting
from the BSG cover of "All Along The Watchtower" plays.
TITLE CARD: SEASON 4
INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
STARBUCK walks through GALACTICA. CENTURIONS fight HUMANS
and CYLONS. Starbuck reaches a console.
From a menu, STARBUCK casts a SPELLS called DEUS EX MACHINA.
After a SPELL EFFECT:
STARBUCK: The song! Of course! That was the key to finding
Earth all along!
She types into the console. Tigh enters from left.
TIGH: Wait, what about the opera house? And the baby?
STARBUCK: Yes. Those were also important for some reason.
TEXT BOX: WRITERS USED "RESOLVE ALL PLOTLINES"!
TEXT BOX: IT'S... KIND OF EFFECTIVE.
The screen shakes. FADE TO WHITE.
STARBUCK and LEE stand on a cliff.
TEXT BOX: THE HUMANS FINALLY REACHED EARTH!
Starbuck flickers and VANISHES.
TEXT BOX: STARBUCK DISAPPEARS... I GUESS?
LEE: Well, at least the series ended on a nice, quiet-
The screen starts SHAKING. A large BEARDED MAN (RON MOORE)
rises from behind the cliff, surrounded by DANCING ROBOTS.
(Real robots like ASIMO mixed with fictional ones like
TEXT: FINAL BOSS: RON MOORE AND DANCING ROBOT FUTURE ARMY!
They dance to a chiptune version of Jimi Hendrix's "All
Along The Watchtower."