By Patrick Cassels
EXT. MOVIE THEATER -- RED CARPET A movie premiere. PRINCE WILLIAM and KATE MIDDLETON stand at the doors, posing for REPORTERS and PAPARAZZI. WILLIAM Kate and I are thrilled to be in America. And what better stop than a real Hollywood film premiere? REPORTER 1 Prince William, how did you two like Disneyland? WILLIAM/KATE It was smashing! REPORTER 2 David Pussy, E! News Online. Kate, The Sun has photos of you patting your tummy. Should we be ready for some baby announcements? PAPARAZZI 1 O-M-fuck, is Kate preggers? KATE Nothing so exciting I'm afraid. WILLIAM Thank you all! Kate and William wave and head inside the movie theater. INT. STAGE VERSION OF A SNACK BAR - CONTINUOUS We transform to a Shakespearean stage play. From here on out all the action is blocked theatrically. William and Kate ENTER STAGE RIGHT. William is furious. WILLIAM Thou art with child?! (to himself) O! Should mine flesh dissolve in this very snack bar, I would thank Zeus on high for delivering me from such heavy shame. KATE My liege, it be false! WILLIAM An unwelcome in the lineage would tear our kingdom asunder. Thou hast threatened our noble monarchy. (disgusted) Withdraw, woman! Anon I shall watch the new "Alvin and the Chipmunks" alone. KATE (on her knees) With all my heart, I know not where E! News caught whispers of a new heir. Only that such whispers came not from these lips. PIPPA (O.S.) No, they came from these. ENTER PIPPA MIDDLETON, Kate's sexy, whip-smart sister. Think Beatrice in "Much Ado." The AUDIENCE (who we REVEAL) GASPS. KATE Pippa! Hast thou shared my womb's secrets to yonder blogosphere? PIPPA Indeed! 'Twas Us Weekly's ear I seized at a masquerade, a most "spirited" evening. WILLIAM (to Kate; furious) Zounds! If thy sister spent less hours sharpening her tongue and more hours biting it, she would not be resigned to spinsterhood! KATE Pippa, why hast thou betrayed thee? PIPPA "Betrayed?" 'Tis only by my most cunning intervention that your husband's rightful claim to the throne is secure. Without an heir-apparent, his succession is as fragile as yonder extra large popcorn combo. Pippa taps an overstuffed popcorn. Kernels roll off and onto her hands. She stares at them, wild-eyed, and whispers: PIPPA Behold these hands: stained with butter. Will they never be clean? WILLIAM Ha! A fine bard thou wouldst make with such tall tales. What man would wish to usurp my crown? PIPPA Your brother. The audience GASPS again. HARRY (O.S.) Lies! ENTER PRINCE HARRY, an wicked hunchback. Think Richard III. KATE Harry! Speak! Either now or with thy head upon the block! HARRY (slithers to William) My good brother, it's clear this wench means to besmirch my name so that she might gain my Dukedom. PIPPA Ha! What more could I do to besmirch the name of a ginger! HARRY Insolence! Guards! Seize her! Two USHERS stand by, looking confused. USHER (a dumb California teen) Uh, we just work here. HARRY SIEZE HER, I SAY! The ushers shrug and grab Pippa. PIPPA Mark my words, Harry. People shall here of this villainy. People magazine. I know the editor--ARGH! Harry draws a dagger and STABS PIPPA. Blood spurts out. Harry walks DOWNSTAGE, chuckles, and starts a soliloquy. HARRY The light of nobility shines not upon this brow, living as I do in my brother's shadow. And so I am determined to be... a villain. The audience BOOS and HISSES. HARRY I spend my eve's suckling from the bosom of Bacchus, drinking the milk of paradise, courting ladies of virtue rotten... (dropping Shakespeare tone) And smoking pot. Also one time I snorted vodka on a dare, and this other time I punched a reporter and dressed up like a Nazi. Huh huh. A herald of TRUMPETS cut Harry off. Everyone kneels. KATE Hark! The Queen approaches! ELIZABETH enters in full armor, followed by a regal PARTY. WILLIAM Mumsy?! ELIZABETH William, trust not your brother. HARRY A pox upon your withered visage! What proof hast thee? A JESTER hops out from the queen's party. JESTER (to Harry; off his skin) Her Majesty needs not proof of thy trespass; thy face is caught "red-handed!" LAUGHTER from the audience. HARRY Shut up, father. PIPPA (to Jester) Prince Charles! Does the Queen speak the truth? JESTER My lady, I could not lie to such a amorous visage as thine. Or, rather, I could not lie upon such an amorous visage? Eh? Shocked LAUGHS from the audience. This was naughty for some archaic reason. ELIZABETH It is true. Alcohol may fill Harry's stomach, but deceit fills his heart. For I read it... on TMZ. The audience GASPS. Harry, desperate, charges Elizabeth, but William draws a sword and RUNS HARRY THROUGH. Harry FALLS. HARRY (with his last breath) The witches prophecy fulfilled! So ends the life of Harry: prince, soldier, and Arizona's #3 wing-eating champion. I fall!!! ELIZABETH Let us make haste from this so sad scene. An interview have I with Albert of the Rokers. EXIT ALL except for an usher, who turns to the audience. USHER Go now, good people. 'Twas the tale/Of lady Catherine and her Wail, uh, -iam. He BOWS. CURTAIN. END.