A pregnancy rumor most foul.
By Patrick Cassels
EXT. MOVIE THEATER -- RED CARPET
A movie premiere. PRINCE WILLIAM and KATE MIDDLETON stand at
the doors, posing for REPORTERS and PAPARAZZI.
Kate and I are thrilled to be in
America. And what better stop than
a real Hollywood film premiere?
Prince William, how did you two
It was smashing!
David Pussy, E! News Online. Kate,
The Sun has photos of you patting
your tummy. Should we be ready for
some baby announcements?
O-M-fuck, is Kate preggers?
Nothing so exciting I'm afraid.
Thank you all!
Kate and William wave and head inside the movie theater.
INT. STAGE VERSION OF A SNACK BAR - CONTINUOUS
We transform to a Shakespearean stage play. From here on out
all the action is blocked theatrically.
William and Kate ENTER STAGE RIGHT. William is furious.
Thou art with child?!
O! Should mine flesh dissolve in
this very snack bar, I would thank
Zeus on high for delivering me from
such heavy shame.
My liege, it be false!
An unwelcome in the lineage would
tear our kingdom asunder. Thou hast
threatened our noble monarchy.
Withdraw, woman! Anon I shall watch
the new "Alvin and the Chipmunks"
(on her knees)
With all my heart, I know not where
E! News caught whispers of a new
heir. Only that such whispers came
not from these lips.
No, they came from these.
ENTER PIPPA MIDDLETON, Kate's sexy, whip-smart sister. Think
Beatrice in "Much Ado." The AUDIENCE (who we REVEAL) GASPS.
Pippa! Hast thou shared my womb's
secrets to yonder blogosphere?
Indeed! 'Twas Us Weekly's ear I
seized at a masquerade, a most
(to Kate; furious)
Zounds! If thy sister spent less
hours sharpening her tongue and
more hours biting it, she would not
be resigned to spinsterhood!
Pippa, why hast thou betrayed thee?
"Betrayed?" 'Tis only by my most
cunning intervention that your
husband's rightful claim to the
throne is secure. Without an
heir-apparent, his succession is as
fragile as yonder extra large
Pippa taps an overstuffed popcorn. Kernels roll off and onto
her hands. She stares at them, wild-eyed, and whispers:
Behold these hands: stained with
butter. Will they never be clean?
Ha! A fine bard thou wouldst make
with such tall tales. What man
would wish to usurp my crown?
The audience GASPS again.
ENTER PRINCE HARRY, an wicked hunchback. Think Richard III.
Harry! Speak! Either now or with
thy head upon the block!
(slithers to William)
My good brother, it's clear this
wench means to besmirch my name so
that she might gain my Dukedom.
Ha! What more could I do to
besmirch the name of a ginger!
Insolence! Guards! Seize her!
Two USHERS stand by, looking confused.
(a dumb California teen)
Uh, we just work here.
SIEZE HER, I SAY!
The ushers shrug and grab Pippa.
Mark my words, Harry. People shall
here of this villainy. People
magazine. I know the editor--ARGH!
Harry draws a dagger and STABS PIPPA. Blood spurts out.
Harry walks DOWNSTAGE, chuckles, and starts a soliloquy.
The light of nobility shines not
upon this brow, living as I do in
my brother's shadow. And so I am
determined to be... a villain.
The audience BOOS and HISSES.
I spend my eve's suckling from the
bosom of Bacchus, drinking the milk
of paradise, courting ladies of
(dropping Shakespeare tone)
And smoking pot. Also one time I
snorted vodka on a dare, and this
other time I punched a reporter and
dressed up like a Nazi. Huh huh.
A herald of TRUMPETS cut Harry off. Everyone kneels.
Hark! The Queen approaches!
ELIZABETH enters in full armor, followed by a regal PARTY.
William, trust not your brother.
A pox upon your withered visage!
What proof hast thee?
A JESTER hops out from the queen's party.
(to Harry; off his skin)
Her Majesty needs not proof of thy
trespass; thy face is caught
LAUGHTER from the audience.
Shut up, father.
Prince Charles! Does the Queen
speak the truth?
My lady, I could not lie to such a
amorous visage as thine. Or,
rather, I could not lie upon such
an amorous visage? Eh?
Shocked LAUGHS from the audience. This was naughty for some
It is true. Alcohol may fill
Harry's stomach, but deceit fills
his heart. For I read it... on TMZ.
The audience GASPS. Harry, desperate, charges Elizabeth, but
William draws a sword and RUNS HARRY THROUGH. Harry FALLS.
(with his last breath)
The witches prophecy fulfilled! So
ends the life of Harry: prince,
soldier, and Arizona's #3
wing-eating champion. I fall!!!
Let us make haste from this so sad
scene. An interview have I with
Albert of the Rokers.
EXIT ALL except for an usher, who turns to the audience.
Go now, good people. 'Twas the
tale/Of lady Catherine and her
Wail, uh, -iam.
He BOWS. CURTAIN. END.