The only real losers are the audience.
By Emily Axford & Dan Gurewitch
NARRATOR The 11th annual Student Film Awards aired last night, dishing up its fair share of surprises and upsets. MONTAGE: Footage from the Student Film Awards. Red carpets, camera flashes, crane shots of applause, dancers, intimate shots of people laughing, etc. Everyone is college-aged. NARRATOR The big winner of the night was the teenage drama Life in the Key of "A" Minor, which took home four awards, including "Best Painted Airsoft Gun," "Best Shot From Inside a Refrigerator," and "Most Unrealistic Drug Overdose." QUICK CLIPS from a poorly shot student film: the film's title; an obviously painted plastic gun with a hint of orange remaining, a shot from inside a fridge; a teen having an absurdly spastic drug overdose (w/ too much mouth foam). ON STAGE, 19-year-old GABE CHANNING waves/accepts an award. NARRATOR Gabe Channing rocketed to the A-List when he won "Most Breathing By A Dead Person." CLIP: Gabe lies dead on the floor. He has an unrealistic blood pattern on his face. We see legs next to him. ACTOR (O.S.) Shut the fuck up, or I'll kill you like I killed him! Gabe's chest NOTICEABLY RISES & FALLS. He briefly opens one eye, then quickly closes it. NARRATOR But the award for "Best Accidental Look Directly Into the Camera" went to newcomer Libby Gottlieb. CLIP: Libby Gottleib delivering a dramatic line; halfway through, she looks directly into the lens. LIBBY My parents' divorce shattered my belief in love, Hamish! NARRATOR Lynn Beacher's film The Ever-Ticking Hourglass stole the award for "Most Obvious Metaphors" with a powerful trifecta: a flower representing innocence, rain representing forgiveness, and a soundtrack consisting entirely of a caged bird singing. CLIPS from the aforementioned film: a CU of a woman holding a wilting flower during sex; a woman getting rained on. NARRATOR Jason Sandclaw took home "Best Old Man Found On Craigslist"... CUT TO an OLDER MAN weakly waving from the audience. NARRATOR ...and Jessica Morrow won "Most Condescending Documentary About The Local Homeless Person." Valley girl JESSICA accepts her award: JESSICA I just think, everyone has a story to tell. Even gross people. NARRATOR The award for "Hands Deepest in the Pockets of a Hoodie" was hotly contested, but in the end the Academy gave it to Late for Class. CLIPS from three movies: a disgruntled teenager hunched over with hands in hoodie pockets; another similar teen; a third teen with hands in pockets modified to be ABSURDLY DEEP. NARRATOR Let There Be Us shocked everyone, snatching up both "Sex Scene Most Obviously Directed By A Virgin..." CLIP: Two people stand-up, hugging and kissing and bouncing up and down awkwardly, with forced "Oh"s and "Yes"s. NARRATOR ...and "Most Sassiness Forced On A Black Person." ANOTHER CLIP: A black actress does a "Z"-snap, over-the-top: ACTRESS "Girl, you KNOW he trippin'!" CUT TO same actress's acceptance speech, utterly un-sassy: ACTRESS Thank you so very much. A shot of 20-year-old filmmaker KEVIN SPACER in the crowd. NARRATOR After he won last year for "Least Number of Extras That Showed Up For A Party Scene," all eyes were on Kevin Spacer. CLIP: Four extras mime dancing, alone in a large room. NARRATOR This year, he walked away with "Best Un-lit Cigarette" and "Best Makeout Scene With A Girl That's Clearly Hotter Than Him." CLIP: Kevin stands with a HOT ACTRESS, TEARS on his cheek. He inhales from a cigarette, then exhales: NO SMOKE LEAVES HIS MOUTH. KEVIN Taste my pain, beautiful. She kisses him. NARRATOR The evening took a turn for the emotional, with a heartfelt tribute to Bertrand Peffercorn... CUT TO Ken Burns style moving photographs of a student. NARRATOR ...who's parents made him switch his major to Pre-Law. Perhaps the biggest upset of the evening was the award for "Best Background Hiss," which went to Daisy Thomas for her film Heart in a Blender. CUT TO clip. GUY and GIRL have a morose conversation in OTS shots; whenever GIRL speaks, there's a LOUD AUDIO HISS. GUY You put me through it. GIRL What did I put you through? GUY Hell, of course. GIRL Maybe you put yourself through hell. GUY (CAR ALARM in b/g) We are all in hell. AUDIENCE FOOTAGE: The above girl and guy smile, winners. NARRATOR It also won the ceremony's newest award, "Least Justified Use of the word N[bleep]er." Beat. NARRATOR And, of course, the most coveted prize of the night was "Most Parents' Money Wasted." And that award went to... everyone. Twenty filmmakers on stage smile and hold up their trophies. END.