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Shorts / The Student Film Awards

CH Staff

January 18, 2012

The only real losers are the audience.

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The Student Film Awards

By Emily Axford & Dan Gurewitch

                              NARRATOR
                    The 11th annual Student Film Awards
                    aired last night, dishing up its
                    fair share of surprises and upsets.

          MONTAGE: Footage from the Student Film Awards. Red carpets,
          camera flashes, crane shots of applause, dancers, intimate
          shots of people laughing, etc. Everyone is college-aged.

                              NARRATOR
                    The big winner of the night was the
                    teenage drama Life in the Key of
                    "A" Minor, which took home four
                    awards, including "Best Painted
                    Airsoft Gun," "Best Shot From
                    Inside a Refrigerator," and "Most
                    Unrealistic Drug Overdose."

          QUICK CLIPS from a poorly shot student film: the film's
          title; an obviously painted plastic gun with a hint of
          orange remaining, a shot from inside a fridge; a teen having
          an absurdly spastic drug overdose (w/ too much mouth foam).

          ON STAGE, 19-year-old GABE CHANNING waves/accepts an award.

                              NARRATOR
                    Gabe Channing rocketed to the
                    A-List when he won "Most Breathing
                    By A Dead Person."

          CLIP: Gabe lies dead on the floor. He has an unrealistic
          blood pattern on his face. We see legs next to him.

                              ACTOR (O.S.)
                    Shut the fuck up, or I'll kill you
                    like I killed him!

          Gabe's chest NOTICEABLY RISES & FALLS. He briefly opens one
          eye, then quickly closes it.

                              NARRATOR
                    But the award for "Best Accidental
                    Look Directly Into the Camera" went
                    to newcomer Libby Gottlieb.

          CLIP: Libby Gottleib delivering a dramatic line; halfway
          through, she looks directly into the lens.

                              LIBBY
                    My parents' divorce shattered my
                    belief in love, Hamish!

                              NARRATOR
                    Lynn Beacher's film The
                    Ever-Ticking Hourglass stole the
                    award for "Most Obvious Metaphors"
                    with a powerful trifecta: a flower
                    representing innocence, rain
                    representing forgiveness, and a
                    soundtrack consisting entirely of a
                    caged bird singing.

          CLIPS from the aforementioned film: a CU of a woman holding
          a wilting flower during sex; a woman getting rained on.

                              NARRATOR
                    Jason Sandclaw took home "Best Old
                    Man Found On Craigslist"...

          CUT TO an OLDER MAN weakly waving from the audience.

                              NARRATOR
                    ...and Jessica Morrow won "Most
                    Condescending Documentary About The
                    Local Homeless Person."

          Valley girl JESSICA accepts her award:

                              JESSICA
                    I just think, everyone has a story
                    to tell. Even gross people.

                              NARRATOR
                    The award for "Hands Deepest in the
                    Pockets of a Hoodie" was hotly
                    contested, but in the end the
                    Academy gave it to Late for Class.

          CLIPS from three movies: a disgruntled teenager hunched over
          with hands in hoodie pockets; another similar teen; a third
          teen with hands in pockets modified to be ABSURDLY DEEP.

                              NARRATOR
                    Let There Be Us shocked everyone,
                    snatching up both "Sex Scene Most
                    Obviously Directed By A Virgin..."

          CLIP: Two people stand-up, hugging and kissing and bouncing
          up and down awkwardly, with forced "Oh"s and "Yes"s.

                              NARRATOR
                    ...and "Most Sassiness Forced On A
                    Black Person."

          ANOTHER CLIP: A black actress does a "Z"-snap, over-the-top:

                              ACTRESS
                    "Girl, you KNOW he trippin'!"

          CUT TO same actress's acceptance speech, utterly un-sassy:

                              ACTRESS
                    Thank you so very much.

          A shot of 20-year-old filmmaker KEVIN SPACER in the crowd.

                              NARRATOR
                    After he won last year for "Least
                    Number of Extras That Showed Up For
                    A Party Scene," all eyes were on
                    Kevin Spacer.

          CLIP: Four extras mime dancing, alone in a large room.

                              NARRATOR
                    This year, he walked away with
                    "Best Un-lit Cigarette" and "Best
                    Makeout Scene With A Girl That's
                    Clearly Hotter Than Him."

          CLIP: Kevin stands with a HOT ACTRESS, TEARS on his cheek.
          He inhales from a cigarette, then exhales: NO SMOKE LEAVES
          HIS MOUTH.

                              KEVIN
                    Taste my pain, beautiful.

          She kisses him.

                              NARRATOR
                    The evening took a turn for the
                    emotional, with a heartfelt tribute
                    to Bertrand Peffercorn...

          CUT TO Ken Burns style moving photographs of a student.

                              NARRATOR
                    ...who's parents made him switch
                    his major to Pre-Law. Perhaps the
                    biggest upset of the evening was
                    the award for "Best Background
                    Hiss," which went to Daisy Thomas
                    for her film Heart in a Blender.

          CUT TO clip. GUY and GIRL have a morose conversation in OTS
          shots; whenever GIRL speaks, there's a LOUD AUDIO HISS.

                              GUY
                    You put me through it.

                              GIRL
                    What did I put you through?

                              GUY
                    Hell, of course.

                              GIRL
                    Maybe you put yourself through
                    hell.

                              GUY
                         (CAR ALARM in b/g)
                    We are all in hell.

          AUDIENCE FOOTAGE: The above girl and guy smile, winners.

                              NARRATOR
                    It also won the ceremony's newest
                    award, "Least Justified Use of the
                    word N[bleep]er."

          Beat.

                              NARRATOR
                    And, of course, the most coveted
                    prize of the night was "Most
                    Parents' Money Wasted." And that
                    award went to... everyone.

          Twenty filmmakers on stage smile and hold up their trophies.

          END.

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