Things get nasty when drugs are involved.
By CH Staff
INT. DIRTY THEATER
A DANK, SMOKE-FILLED THEATER. Various DRUGS sit on stage and
in the audience. ALCOHOL, at the podium, is in the middle of
the set. As LAUGHTER dies down from his last joke:
(a little tipsy)
Seriously, weed, if it wasn't for
you, I'd have never learned how
many desserts I could fit into one
bowl. The answer is five and a
Meth's also here. The interesting
thing about Meth is that you can
make it anywhere! Except in a nice
neighborhood with good schools.
LAUGHTER. ANGLE ON METH, looking skinny and paranoid.
Let's not be too hard on meth. He's
the only drug who's aged five years
since we cut away from him.
ANGLE ON Meth, who now looks like an "AFTER" picture in an
anti-meth ad. He smiles and one of his teeth cracks.
Jesus, even I couldn't make that
(pulling it together)
Well, guys, it's been a blast, and
I look forward to seeing you all
again at Andy Dick's Christmas
LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE as Alcohol exits. CIGARETTES takes the
podium in his place.
Weed, you pathetic excuse for a
drug. Seriously, your users have
less balls than steroid's.
LAUGHTER and OOOs. Angle on STEROIDS, doing arm curls.
Cigarettes COUGHS LOUDLY.
Hey, is that Adderall? I haven't
seen you since college, man!
Adderall. The only drug that makes
you stay up all night so you can't
LAUGHTER. ADDERALL, a high strung pill, smiles nervously.
And Opium! How the hell did you
hear about this? telegram?
LAUGHTER. OPIUM, with a top-hat and monocle, pouts.
And look! Shrooms is here. Kind of.
ANGLE ON MUSHROOMS, pupils dilated and drooling.
Ecstasy, give him a poke, make sure
he's still alive- I said poke, not
fully body cavity search. Jesus.
Ecstasy, smiling, is RUBBING HIS BODY ALL OVER Shrooms.
Someone toss that kid a glow-stick
(clears his throat)
But seriously, Weed? I don't know
what we'd do without you. Besides
move out of our parent's basement.
Next up, don't call it a flashback,
straight from your uncle's
basement, it's LSD!
ACID, an aging hippie, takes the stage.
You know, heh, the funny thing
about weed is there's always a
giant spider demon standing three
feet behind him.
ANGLE ON Weed. There's nothing behind him. SILENCE and
AWKWARD STARES from the audience.
(moving on )
This next joke is just for the
spiders under my skin-
Alcohol ushers Acid off stage.
OK! Moving on. Next up, he might
not the most popular drug here
tonight, but he has the best
celebrity endorsements… Cocaine!
A beat before COCAINE (bag of white powder) finally arrives.
He talks TOO FAST, like Robin Williams on, well, coke.
(snorting, rubbing his nose)
Hey! Yeah. I'm here. Just had to
use the bathroom real quick.
He runs through his jokes at breakneck speed:
Peyote came all the way from Mexico
to be here. He said the trip was
really uncomfortable because he a
had a condom full of me stuffed up
his ass. HA HA HA HA HA.
(not waiting for laughs)
Weed! You make Tim & Eric funny,
frozen pizza taste good, and Phish
sound like music. Is there anything
you can't do? Besides get a job?
BAM! BIM! BOMP!
(still not stopping)
Weed, you may a have TV show, and
meth, you may have a good TV show,
but I had a whole decade.
She don't lie, she don't lie...
ME! HA HA HA HA!
Cocaine passes out abruptly. Alcohol escorts him off stage.
HEROIN takes the podium.
Hey! What's up everybody.
The audience looks vaguely uncomfortable.
When did you get out of jail?
Weed's here. Weed's so great I bet
he'd lend me $500.
SILENCE. Heroin, continues.
Meth's here. Meth's so great I bet
he'd lend me-
Is that- Are you wearing a wire?!
BOOS from the audience. POLICE OFFICERS bursts in.
Ah! I didn't do anything wrong.
Everybody here is over 21! Except
maybe Whippits, but he had a really
Shut up. You, Tobacco, and Ambien
Oh, thank God.
Alcohol and tobacco quickly leave the stage. Ambien, in the
audience, wakes up, YAWNS, and walks out.
Now, as for the rest of you, you're
all going away for a long, long-
Alcohol, in his car, CRASHES through the back wall.
(quickly, an excuse)
I have night blindness.