The Roast of Weed

By

CH Staff

          INT. DIRTY THEATER 

          A DANK, SMOKE-FILLED THEATER. Various DRUGS sit on stage and
          in the audience. ALCOHOL, at the podium, is in the middle of
          the set. As LAUGHTER dies down from his last joke:

                              ALCOHOL
                         (a little tipsy)
                    Seriously, weed, if it wasn't for
                    you, I'd have never learned how
                    many desserts I could fit into one
                    bowl. The answer is five and a
                    burrito.

          LAUGHTER.

                              ALCOHOL
                    Meth's also here. The interesting
                    thing about Meth is that you can
                    make it anywhere! Except in a nice
                    neighborhood with good schools.

          LAUGHTER. ANGLE ON METH, looking skinny and paranoid.

                              ALCOHOL
                    Let's not be too hard on meth. He's
                    the only drug who's aged five years
                    since we cut away from him.

          ANGLE ON Meth, who now looks like an "AFTER" picture in an
          anti-meth ad. He smiles and one of his teeth cracks.

                              ALCOHOL
                         (shuddering)
                    Jesus, even I couldn't make that
                    look good.
                         (pulling it together)
                    Well, guys, it's been a blast, and
                    I look forward to seeing you all
                    again at Andy Dick's Christmas
                    party.

          LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE as Alcohol exits. CIGARETTES takes the
          podium in his place.

                              CIGARETTES
                    Weed, you pathetic excuse for a
                    drug. Seriously, your users have
                    less balls than steroid's. 

          LAUGHTER and OOOs. Angle on STEROIDS, doing arm curls.
          Cigarettes COUGHS LOUDLY.

                              CIGARETTES
                    Hey, is that Adderall? I haven't
                    seen you since college, man!
                         (to crowd)
                    Adderall. The only drug that makes
                    you stay up all night so you can't
                    have fun.

          LAUGHTER. ADDERALL, a high strung pill, smiles nervously.

                              CIGARETTES
                    And Opium! How the hell did you
                    hear about this? telegram?

          LAUGHTER. OPIUM, with a top-hat and monocle, pouts.

                              CIGARETTES
                    And look! Shrooms is here. Kind of.

          ANGLE ON MUSHROOMS, pupils dilated and drooling.

                              CIGARETTES
                    Ecstasy, give him a poke, make sure
                    he's still alive- I said poke, not
                    fully body cavity search. Jesus.

          Ecstasy, smiling, is RUBBING HIS BODY ALL OVER Shrooms.

                              CIGARETTES
                    Someone toss that kid a glow-stick
                    or something-
                         (clears his throat)
                    But seriously, Weed? I don't know
                    what we'd do without you. Besides
                    move out of our parent's basement.

          LAUGHTER.

                              CIGARETTES
                    Next up, don't call it a flashback,
                    straight from your uncle's
                    basement, it's LSD!

          ACID, an aging hippie, takes the stage.

                              ACID
                    You know, heh, the funny thing
                    about weed is there's always a
                    giant spider demon standing three
                    feet behind him.

          ANGLE ON Weed. There's nothing behind him. SILENCE and
          AWKWARD STARES from the audience.

                              ACID
                         (moving on )
                    This next joke is just for the
                    spiders under my skin-

          Alcohol ushers Acid off stage.

                              ALCOHOL
                    OK! Moving on. Next up, he might
                    not the most popular drug here
                    tonight, but he has the best
                    celebrity endorsements… Cocaine!

          A beat before COCAINE (bag of white powder) finally arrives.
          He talks TOO FAST, like Robin Williams on, well, coke.

                              COCAINE
                         (snorting, rubbing his nose)
                    Hey! Yeah. I'm here. Just had to
                    use the bathroom real quick.

          He runs through his jokes at breakneck speed:

                              COCAINE
                    Peyote came all the way from Mexico
                    to be here. He said the trip was
                    really uncomfortable because he a
                    had a condom full of me stuffed up
                    his ass. HA HA HA HA HA.
                         (not waiting for laughs)
                    Weed! You make Tim & Eric funny,
                    frozen pizza taste good, and Phish
                    sound like music. Is there anything
                    you can't do? Besides get a job?
                    BAM! BIM! BOMP!
                         (still not stopping)
                    Weed, you may a have TV show, and
                    meth, you may have a good TV show,
                    but I had a whole decade.
                         (singing)
                    She don't lie, she don't lie...
                    ME! HA HA HA HA!

          Cocaine passes out abruptly. Alcohol escorts him off stage.
          HEROIN takes the podium.

                              HEROIN
                    Hey! What's up everybody.

          The audience looks vaguely uncomfortable. 

                              CIGARETTES
                    When did you get out of jail?

                              HEROIN
                    Weed's here. Weed's so great I bet
                    he'd lend me $500.

          SILENCE. Heroin, continues.

                              HEROIN
                    Meth's here. Meth's so great I bet
                    he'd lend me-

                              COCAINE
                         (spotting something)
                    Is that- Are you wearing a wire?!

          BOOS from the audience. POLICE OFFICERS bursts in.

                              COP
                    EVERYBODY FREEZE!

                              ALCOHOL
                    Ah! I didn't do anything wrong. 
                    Everybody here is over 21! Except
                    maybe Whippits, but he had a really
                    good fake-

                              COP
                    Shut up. You, Tobacco, and Ambien
                    can leave.

                              ALCOHOL
                    Oh, thank God.

          Alcohol and tobacco quickly leave the stage. Ambien, in the
          audience, wakes up, YAWNS, and walks out.

                              COP
                    Now, as for the rest of you, you're
                    all going away for a long, long-

          Alcohol, in his car, CRASHES through the back wall.

                              ALCOHOL
                         (quickly, an excuse)
                    I have night blindness.  

          END.