By CH Staff
INT. DIRTY THEATER A DANK, SMOKE-FILLED THEATER. Various DRUGS sit on stage and in the audience. ALCOHOL, at the podium, is in the middle of the set. As LAUGHTER dies down from his last joke: ALCOHOL (a little tipsy) Seriously, weed, if it wasn't for you, I'd have never learned how many desserts I could fit into one bowl. The answer is five and a burrito. LAUGHTER. ALCOHOL Meth's also here. The interesting thing about Meth is that you can make it anywhere! Except in a nice neighborhood with good schools. LAUGHTER. ANGLE ON METH, looking skinny and paranoid. ALCOHOL Let's not be too hard on meth. He's the only drug who's aged five years since we cut away from him. ANGLE ON Meth, who now looks like an "AFTER" picture in an anti-meth ad. He smiles and one of his teeth cracks. ALCOHOL (shuddering) Jesus, even I couldn't make that look good. (pulling it together) Well, guys, it's been a blast, and I look forward to seeing you all again at Andy Dick's Christmas party. LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE as Alcohol exits. CIGARETTES takes the podium in his place. CIGARETTES Weed, you pathetic excuse for a drug. Seriously, your users have less balls than steroid's. LAUGHTER and OOOs. Angle on STEROIDS, doing arm curls. Cigarettes COUGHS LOUDLY. CIGARETTES Hey, is that Adderall? I haven't seen you since college, man! (to crowd) Adderall. The only drug that makes you stay up all night so you can't have fun. LAUGHTER. ADDERALL, a high strung pill, smiles nervously. CIGARETTES And Opium! How the hell did you hear about this? telegram? LAUGHTER. OPIUM, with a top-hat and monocle, pouts. CIGARETTES And look! Shrooms is here. Kind of. ANGLE ON MUSHROOMS, pupils dilated and drooling. CIGARETTES Ecstasy, give him a poke, make sure he's still alive- I said poke, not fully body cavity search. Jesus. Ecstasy, smiling, is RUBBING HIS BODY ALL OVER Shrooms. CIGARETTES Someone toss that kid a glow-stick or something- (clears his throat) But seriously, Weed? I don't know what we'd do without you. Besides move out of our parent's basement. LAUGHTER. CIGARETTES Next up, don't call it a flashback, straight from your uncle's basement, it's LSD! ACID, an aging hippie, takes the stage. ACID You know, heh, the funny thing about weed is there's always a giant spider demon standing three feet behind him. ANGLE ON Weed. There's nothing behind him. SILENCE and AWKWARD STARES from the audience. ACID (moving on ) This next joke is just for the spiders under my skin- Alcohol ushers Acid off stage. ALCOHOL OK! Moving on. Next up, he might not the most popular drug here tonight, but he has the best celebrity endorsements… Cocaine! A beat before COCAINE (bag of white powder) finally arrives. He talks TOO FAST, like Robin Williams on, well, coke. COCAINE (snorting, rubbing his nose) Hey! Yeah. I'm here. Just had to use the bathroom real quick. He runs through his jokes at breakneck speed: COCAINE Peyote came all the way from Mexico to be here. He said the trip was really uncomfortable because he a had a condom full of me stuffed up his ass. HA HA HA HA HA. (not waiting for laughs) Weed! You make Tim & Eric funny, frozen pizza taste good, and Phish sound like music. Is there anything you can't do? Besides get a job? BAM! BIM! BOMP! (still not stopping) Weed, you may a have TV show, and meth, you may have a good TV show, but I had a whole decade. (singing) She don't lie, she don't lie... ME! HA HA HA HA! Cocaine passes out abruptly. Alcohol escorts him off stage. HEROIN takes the podium. HEROIN Hey! What's up everybody. The audience looks vaguely uncomfortable. CIGARETTES When did you get out of jail? HEROIN Weed's here. Weed's so great I bet he'd lend me $500. SILENCE. Heroin, continues. HEROIN Meth's here. Meth's so great I bet he'd lend me- COCAINE (spotting something) Is that- Are you wearing a wire?! BOOS from the audience. POLICE OFFICERS bursts in. COP EVERYBODY FREEZE! ALCOHOL Ah! I didn't do anything wrong. Everybody here is over 21! Except maybe Whippits, but he had a really good fake- COP Shut up. You, Tobacco, and Ambien can leave. ALCOHOL Oh, thank God. Alcohol and tobacco quickly leave the stage. Ambien, in the audience, wakes up, YAWNS, and walks out. COP Now, as for the rest of you, you're all going away for a long, long- Alcohol, in his car, CRASHES through the back wall. ALCOHOL (quickly, an excuse) I have night blindness. END.