Very Mary-Kate: Call My Phone

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. BAR - NIGHT

          MARY-KATE and LIMOR are at a table with the rest of her
          band: BLACK EYE and DAVE.  The MC takes the stage.

                              MC
                    Okay, that was Night People.  Next
                    up is the Dark, featuring Black Guy.

                              BLACK EYE
                         (calling out)
                    Black eye!

                              MC
                    What?

                              BLACK EYE
                    Black eye!

                              MC
                    Nah, I can't hear you.

          Black Eye and Dave go to take the stage, but Limor hangs
          back.  She is clearly very nervous.
                         
			     MARY-KATE
                    Isn't this you?

                              LIMOR
                         (motioning to a waitress)
                    One more shot.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But aren't you supposed to-

                              LIMOR
                    Supposed to?  I didn't get into
                    music because I'm supposed to
                    anything.  I don't give a shit about
                    what people think.

          She does a shot.

                              LIMOR
                    How's my eye make-up?

                              MARY-KATE
                    A lot?

                              DAVE
                         (from the stage)
                    Limor!

                              LIMOR
                    Wish me luck.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Good luck.

                              LIMOR
                    FUCK you.

          Limor takes the stage.  She speaks into the mic very
          nervously, all her words running together.

                              LIMOR
                    We're the Dark our songs don't have
                    lyrics our music speaks for itself.

          They start playing.  It's not bad!

                              MARY-KATE
                         (to herself)
                    Whoa, this is pretty good!  I
                    should probably unschedule my tweet
                    about this being bad.
                         (searching)
                    Wait, where's my phone?

          Next thing you know, Mary-Kate has taken over the mic.  The
          band stops, clumsily.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Excuuuuse me.  Excuse me.  Has
                    anyone seen my phone?

          Deathly silence.  Limor looks mortified.

          Then, the drummer kicks back in.  He cuts out just in time
          for Mary-Kate to interject again.

                              MARY-KATE
                    No, seriously, has anyone seen my
                    phone?

          The drummer kicks back in, on a rhythm.  The audience is
          into it.  This "clicks" for Mary-Kate.  She starts playing
          along.

                              MARY-KATE
                    It's an iPhone 4 with a unicorn on
                    the back. /
                    It's pink and the ring is set to
                    quack.

          Drums.  This is now a mini music video.

                              MARY-KATE
                    It's got the number of my mother
                    and Calvin Klein.
                    I'd get another but I don't want to
                    stand in line.

          Drums.

                              MARY-KATE
                    If you got two phones when you get
                    home, give me a call. /
                    No wait, I'm phoneless, you can
                    post to my Facebook wall. /
                    Unless I'm homeless 'cause I can't
                    find my way back home. /
                    Or else a Jonas brother loans me a
                    prepaid phone.

          Drums.  Chorus:

                              MARY-KATE
                    Can you call my phone? /
                    I can't find it. /
                    Wait, I put it on silent /
                    So calling won't work. /
                    Can you find my phone?
                    I'm lost without it. /
                    Seriously, I need the GPS to get me
                    back to my apartment.

          A guy holds up Mary-Kate's phone in the back.

                              GUY
                    Is this it?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Thank you.

          Mary-Kate abruptly leaves the stage, leaving the band in a
          mix of exhilaration and confusion.  Limor looks pissed.

          END.