From CH Staff on
Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. BAR - NIGHT MARY-KATE and LIMOR are at a table with the rest of her band: BLACK EYE and DAVE. The MC takes the stage. MC Okay, that was Night People. Next up is the Dark, featuring Black Guy. BLACK EYE (calling out) Black eye! MC What? BLACK EYE Black eye! MC Nah, I can't hear you. Black Eye and Dave go to take the stage, but Limor hangs back. She is clearly very nervous. MARY-KATE Isn't this you? LIMOR (motioning to a waitress) One more shot. MARY-KATE But aren't you supposed to- LIMOR Supposed to? I didn't get into music because I'm supposed to anything. I don't give a shit about what people think. She does a shot. LIMOR How's my eye make-up? MARY-KATE A lot? DAVE (from the stage) Limor! LIMOR Wish me luck. MARY-KATE Good luck. LIMOR FUCK you. Limor takes the stage. She speaks into the mic very nervously, all her words running together. LIMOR We're the Dark our songs don't have lyrics our music speaks for itself. They start playing. It's not bad! MARY-KATE (to herself) Whoa, this is pretty good! I should probably unschedule my tweet about this being bad. (searching) Wait, where's my phone? Next thing you know, Mary-Kate has taken over the mic. The band stops, clumsily. MARY-KATE Excuuuuse me. Excuse me. Has anyone seen my phone? Deathly silence. Limor looks mortified. Then, the drummer kicks back in. He cuts out just in time for Mary-Kate to interject again. MARY-KATE No, seriously, has anyone seen my phone? The drummer kicks back in, on a rhythm. The audience is into it. This "clicks" for Mary-Kate. She starts playing along. MARY-KATE It's an iPhone 4 with a unicorn on the back. / It's pink and the ring is set to quack. Drums. This is now a mini music video. MARY-KATE It's got the number of my mother and Calvin Klein. I'd get another but I don't want to stand in line. Drums. MARY-KATE If you got two phones when you get home, give me a call. / No wait, I'm phoneless, you can post to my Facebook wall. / Unless I'm homeless 'cause I can't find my way back home. / Or else a Jonas brother loans me a prepaid phone. Drums. Chorus: MARY-KATE Can you call my phone? / I can't find it. / Wait, I put it on silent / So calling won't work. / Can you find my phone? I'm lost without it. / Seriously, I need the GPS to get me back to my apartment. A guy holds up Mary-Kate's phone in the back. GUY Is this it? MARY-KATE Thank you. Mary-Kate abruptly leaves the stage, leaving the band in a mix of exhilaration and confusion. Limor looks pissed. END.