By Ben Joseph
INT. BEDROOM NARRATOR (V.O.) This is you. You COLLAPSE onto your bed and throw your face into your pillow. You GROAN miserably. Your FRIEND enters. FRIEND Katherine? Still? You nod your head, not taking it out of the pillow. FRIEND Come on, let's get you out of the house. An ESTABLISHING SHOT of a SMALL BAR. You and your friend walk toward it. NARRATOR (V.O.) This is the bar you're going to. TITLE CARD: YOUR SIX DRUNK PERSONALITIES NARRATOR And these are your six drunk personalities. TITLE CARD: THE COOL GUY INT. BAR You, a little nervous, approach two girls with your friend. NARRATOR (V.O.) About 15 minutes after your first drink or two, he arrives. You, WELL DRESSED with BETTER HAIR, shove yourself out of the way. YOU Hey, I'll take it from here. Hi, how are you. You charm the group. They laugh, you laugh. NARRATOR (V.O.) Charming, confident, he's you without all the annoying insecurities or inhibitions. YOU -and that was the weirdest dog penis I've ever seen. The girls stare at you, clearly uncomfortable. NARRATOR He also reminds you a little inhibition isn't always a bad thing. You sit at a table. Your friend brings you a water. FRIEND Hey, maybe you should take- YOU (getting up) -shots? Great idea. FRIEND -it easy tonight. NARRATOR He's also not a great a listener. TITLE CARD: THE COMEDIAN Over new beers, your friend is talking to you. NARRATOR You've never thought of yourself as a funny guy. FRIEND -and this fish, it's so scary, it swims right up your- YOU (staring past him) Sorry, I just realized I have to be the center of attention right now. NARRATOR But he does. You walk into frame as a SPOTLIGHT hits you. You, suddenly in a BAD BLAZER and TIE, grab a MIC from off-screen. NARRATOR (V.O.) His act is a brilliant combination of all the best movie jokes he can't quite remember. YOU (bad Borat impression) -San Di-ah-go, which in German means a whale's vah-geen! My wife! (bad Jim Carrey) Can I butt you a question? (NOTE: Maybe let Josh improv other bad impressions.) AWKWARD, SILENT STARES from the rest of the bar. NARRATOR Don't worry. He always knows how to win back an audience. You throw a drink on a RANDOM PATRON. He stares at you, furious. TITLE CARD: THE STUNT MAN Your friend frantically apologizes to the patron. NARRATOR Funny boy's gone. It's time for a man of action. You enter, now with a LEATHER JACKET, STUBBLE, and AVIATORS. YOU (grabbing your friend) Listen up: If we don't do a back-flip off that table right now, none of these girls will make out with us. FRIEND What? No- Where did you get that jacket? YOU Stole it from a waitress. Stay here. QUICK SHOTS of you doing STUPID BAR TRICKS: Throwing a beer behind your back, balancing a pool cue on one hand, etc. NARRATOR (V.O.) He's highly trained. Just yesterday, he watched a parkour video on YouTube. As far as he can remember, he's never blown a stunt. Your friend is now talking to one of the GIRLS from before. You cross in the BACKGROUND, throwing air punches. FRIEND He's really a nice guy, he's just had a tough week- BACKGROUND ACTION: From off-screen, you leap off a table and hit the ground. Hard. Your friend rushes to help you. NARRATOR His memory isn't that great. TITLE CARD: THE MILLIONAIRE NARRATOR (V.O.) Enough foolishness. It's time for a man of wealth and taste. The bartender puts a glass of WELL WHISKEY on the bar. YOU (O.S.) You dare serve such swill to Reginald T. Moneypants, the richest man in Fancytown? REVEAL: YOU, now in a TOP HAT, FAKE MUSTACHE, and MONOCLE. NARRATOR (V.O.) Reginald struck it rich in the part-time office manager industry. Now, he makes almost thirty thousand dollars a year. You hand the bartender a SHINY BLACK CARD. YOU I demand liquor from your highest shelf in your most oddly shaped bottle. The bartender holds a MENORAH-SHAPED LIQUOR BOTTLE: BARTENDER Kosher cinnamon tequila? You nod. He pours you a glass. NARRATOR His taste is matched only by his generosity. The bartender, at your request, pours drinks for EVERYONE ELSE in the bar. They gratefully accept. NARRATOR The only thing he can't afford is for the bartender to realize that's just a Dave & Buster's Player Points Card. BARTENDER (examining your card) Uh, hey, guy-? You freeze. TITLE CARD: THE BABY EXT. BAR The BOUNCER pushes you out of the bar. You're now wearing a ONESIE and carrying a TEDDY BEAR. You look scared and lost. NARRATOR Fine motor control. Speaking English. You had these things figured out. He does not. You incoherently mumble something about "losing your phone" and "Dave & Busters" to your friend. FRIEND Come on, use your big boys words. NARRATOR All he can think about is food and breasts. You sit on the curb, rocking back and forth. Your friend brings you a HOT DOG. You take it, but are distracted by a PRETTY GIRL walking by. You reach out at her. FRIEND No. No! That's not for you. NARRATOR The worst parts are his mood swings. In QUICK CUTS, we see you: - AMUSED by your own car keys. - FURIOUSLY ANGRY at a fire hydrant. - HYPER, trying to start an impromptu DANCE PARTY - Then, finally, SOBBING sadly. You friends hugs you and tries to calm you down. You throw up a bit on his back. FRIEND Really, dude?! But you're already asleep on his shoulder. NARRATOR (V.O.) At least he's a really good sleeper. TITLE CARD: THE CORPSE INT. BEDROOM - MORNING The sun wakes you up. You're miserably hung over. NARRATOR (V.O.) Fried food. Gatorade. Alka Seltzer. Vitamin B. Possibly dog hair. All of them. Now. You painfully GROAN and STRETCH. NARRATOR You can't die. You need to find your phone, your keys, check for night puke- REVEAL: Your PHONE and KEYS sit next to a BOTTLE OF GATORADE and a TRASH CAN. Your friend stands at the door. FRIEND You owe me. Big time. You give him a weak thumbs up of thanks. NARRATOR (V.O.) A good friend has seen all your personalities. You watch him exit. We see that there's a giant, colorful PENIS drawn on your back in sharpie. NARRATOR (V.O.) And knows how to deal with each of them. END.