Beer changes everything.
By Ben Joseph
This is you.
You COLLAPSE onto your bed and throw your face into your
pillow. You GROAN miserably. Your FRIEND enters.
You nod your head, not taking it out of the pillow.
Come on, let's get you out of the
An ESTABLISHING SHOT of a SMALL BAR. You and your friend
walk toward it.
This is the bar you're going to.
TITLE CARD: YOUR SIX DRUNK PERSONALITIES
And these are your six drunk
TITLE CARD: THE COOL GUY
You, a little nervous, approach two girls with your friend.
About 15 minutes after your first
drink or two, he arrives.
You, WELL DRESSED with BETTER HAIR, shove yourself out of
Hey, I'll take it from here. Hi,
how are you.
You charm the group. They laugh, you laugh.
Charming, confident, he's you
without all the annoying
insecurities or inhibitions.
-and that was the weirdest dog
penis I've ever seen.
The girls stare at you, clearly uncomfortable.
He also reminds you a little
inhibition isn't always a bad
You sit at a table. Your friend brings you a water.
Hey, maybe you should take-
-shots? Great idea.
-it easy tonight.
He's also not a great a listener.
TITLE CARD: THE COMEDIAN
Over new beers, your friend is talking to you.
You've never thought of yourself as
a funny guy.
-and this fish, it's so scary, it
swims right up your-
(staring past him)
Sorry, I just realized I have to be
the center of attention right now.
But he does.
You walk into frame as a SPOTLIGHT hits you. You, suddenly
in a BAD BLAZER and TIE, grab a MIC from off-screen.
His act is a brilliant combination
of all the best movie jokes he
can't quite remember.
(bad Borat impression)
-San Di-ah-go, which in German
means a whale's vah-geen! My wife!
(bad Jim Carrey)
Can I butt you a question?
(NOTE: Maybe let Josh improv other bad impressions.)
AWKWARD, SILENT STARES from the rest of the bar.
Don't worry. He always knows how to
win back an audience.
You throw a drink on a RANDOM PATRON. He stares at you,
TITLE CARD: THE STUNT MAN
Your friend frantically apologizes to the patron.
Funny boy's gone. It's time for a
man of action.
You enter, now with a LEATHER JACKET, STUBBLE, and AVIATORS.
(grabbing your friend)
Listen up: If we don't do a
back-flip off that table right now,
none of these girls will make out
What? No- Where did you get that
Stole it from a waitress. Stay
QUICK SHOTS of you doing STUPID BAR TRICKS: Throwing a beer
behind your back, balancing a pool cue on one hand, etc.
He's highly trained. Just
yesterday, he watched a parkour
video on YouTube. As far as he can
remember, he's never blown a stunt.
Your friend is now talking to one of the GIRLS from before.
You cross in the BACKGROUND, throwing air punches.
He's really a nice guy, he's just
had a tough week-
BACKGROUND ACTION: From off-screen, you leap off a table and
hit the ground. Hard. Your friend rushes to help you.
His memory isn't that great.
TITLE CARD: THE MILLIONAIRE
Enough foolishness. It's time for a
man of wealth and taste.
The bartender puts a glass of WELL WHISKEY on the bar.
You dare serve such swill to
Reginald T. Moneypants, the richest
man in Fancytown?
REVEAL: YOU, now in a TOP HAT, FAKE MUSTACHE, and MONOCLE.
Reginald struck it rich in the
part-time office manager industry.
Now, he makes almost thirty
thousand dollars a year.
You hand the bartender a SHINY BLACK CARD.
I demand liquor from your highest
shelf in your most oddly shaped
The bartender holds a MENORAH-SHAPED LIQUOR BOTTLE:
Kosher cinnamon tequila?
You nod. He pours you a glass.
His taste is matched only by his
The bartender, at your request, pours drinks for EVERYONE
ELSE in the bar. They gratefully accept.
The only thing he can't afford is
for the bartender to realize that's
just a Dave & Buster's Player
(examining your card)
Uh, hey, guy-?
TITLE CARD: THE BABY
The BOUNCER pushes you out of the bar. You're now wearing a
ONESIE and carrying a TEDDY BEAR. You look scared and lost.
Fine motor control. Speaking
English. You had these things
figured out. He does not.
You incoherently mumble something about "losing your phone"
and "Dave & Busters" to your friend.
Come on, use your big boys words.
All he can think about is food and
You sit on the curb, rocking back and forth. Your friend
brings you a HOT DOG. You take it, but are distracted by a
PRETTY GIRL walking by. You reach out at her.
No. No! That's not for you.
The worst parts are his mood
In QUICK CUTS, we see you:
- AMUSED by your own car keys.
- FURIOUSLY ANGRY at a fire hydrant.
- HYPER, trying to start an impromptu DANCE PARTY
- Then, finally, SOBBING sadly. You friends hugs you and
tries to calm you down. You throw up a bit on his back.
But you're already asleep on his shoulder.
At least he's a really good
TITLE CARD: THE CORPSE
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
The sun wakes you up. You're miserably hung over.
Fried food. Gatorade. Alka Seltzer.
Vitamin B. Possibly dog hair. All
of them. Now.
You painfully GROAN and STRETCH.
You can't die. You need to find
your phone, your keys, check for
REVEAL: Your PHONE and KEYS sit next to a BOTTLE OF GATORADE
and a TRASH CAN. Your friend stands at the door.
You owe me. Big time.
You give him a weak thumbs up of thanks.
A good friend has seen all your
You watch him exit. We see that there's a giant, colorful
PENIS drawn on your back in sharpie.
And knows how to deal with each of