Your Six Drunk Personalities

By

Ben Joseph

          INT. BEDROOM

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is you.

          You COLLAPSE onto your bed and throw your face into your
          pillow. You GROAN miserably. Your FRIEND enters.

                              FRIEND
                    Katherine? Still?

          You nod your head, not taking it out of the pillow.

                              FRIEND
                    Come on, let's get you out of the
                    house.

          An ESTABLISHING SHOT of a SMALL BAR. You and your friend
          walk toward it.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is the bar you're going to.

          TITLE CARD: YOUR SIX DRUNK PERSONALITIES

                              NARRATOR
                    And these are your six drunk
                    personalities.

          TITLE CARD: THE COOL GUY

          INT. BAR

          You, a little nervous, approach two girls with your friend.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    About 15 minutes after your first
                    drink or two, he arrives.

          You, WELL DRESSED with BETTER HAIR, shove yourself out of
          the way.

                              YOU
                    Hey, I'll take it from here. Hi,
                    how are you.

          You charm the group. They laugh, you laugh.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Charming, confident, he's you
                    without all the annoying
                    insecurities or inhibitions.

                              YOU
                    -and that was the weirdest dog
                    penis I've ever seen.

          The girls stare at you, clearly uncomfortable.

                              NARRATOR
                    He also reminds you a little
                    inhibition isn't always a bad
                    thing.

          You sit at a table. Your friend brings you a water.

                              FRIEND
                    Hey, maybe you should take-

                              YOU
                         (getting up)
                    -shots? Great idea.

                              FRIEND
                    -it easy tonight.

                              NARRATOR
                    He's also not a great a listener.

          TITLE CARD: THE COMEDIAN

          Over new beers, your friend is talking to you.

                              NARRATOR
                    You've never thought of yourself as
                    a funny guy.

                              FRIEND
                    -and this fish, it's so scary, it
                    swims right up your-

                              YOU
                         (staring past him)
                    Sorry, I just realized I have to be
                    the center of attention right now.

                              NARRATOR
                    But he does.

          You walk into frame as a SPOTLIGHT hits you. You, suddenly
          in a BAD BLAZER and TIE, grab a MIC from off-screen.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    His act is a brilliant combination
                    of all the best movie jokes he
                    can't quite remember.

                              YOU
                         (bad Borat impression)
                    -San Di-ah-go, which in German
                    means a whale's vah-geen! My wife! 
                         (bad Jim Carrey)
                    Can I butt you a question?

          (NOTE: Maybe let Josh improv other bad impressions.)

          AWKWARD, SILENT STARES from the rest of the bar.

                              NARRATOR
                    Don't worry. He always knows how to
                    win back an audience.

          You throw a drink on a RANDOM PATRON. He stares at you,
          furious.

          TITLE CARD: THE STUNT MAN

          Your friend frantically apologizes to the patron.

                              NARRATOR
                    Funny boy's gone. It's time for a
                    man of action.

          You enter, now with a LEATHER JACKET, STUBBLE, and AVIATORS.

                              YOU
                         (grabbing your friend)
                    Listen up: If we don't do a
                    back-flip off that table right now,
                    none of these girls will make out
                    with us.

                              FRIEND
                    What? No- Where did you get that
                    jacket?

                              YOU
                    Stole it from a waitress. Stay
                    here.

          QUICK SHOTS of you doing STUPID BAR TRICKS: Throwing a beer
          behind your back, balancing a pool cue on one hand, etc.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    He's highly trained. Just
                    yesterday, he watched a parkour
                    video on YouTube. As far as he can
                    remember, he's never blown a stunt.

          Your friend is now talking to one of the GIRLS from before.
          You cross in the BACKGROUND, throwing air punches.

                              FRIEND
                    He's really a nice guy, he's just
                    had a tough week-

          BACKGROUND ACTION: From off-screen, you leap off a table and
          hit the ground. Hard. Your friend rushes to help you.

                              NARRATOR
                    His memory isn't that great.

          TITLE CARD: THE MILLIONAIRE

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Enough foolishness. It's time for a
                    man of wealth and taste.

          The bartender puts a glass of WELL WHISKEY on the bar.

                              YOU (O.S.)
                    You dare serve such swill to
                    Reginald T. Moneypants, the richest
                    man in Fancytown?

          REVEAL: YOU, now in a TOP HAT, FAKE MUSTACHE, and MONOCLE.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Reginald struck it rich in the
                    part-time office manager industry.
                    Now, he makes almost thirty
                    thousand dollars a year.

          You hand the bartender a SHINY BLACK CARD.

                              YOU
                    I demand liquor from your highest
                    shelf in your most oddly shaped
                    bottle.

          The bartender holds a MENORAH-SHAPED LIQUOR BOTTLE:

                              BARTENDER
                    Kosher cinnamon tequila?

          You nod. He pours you a glass.

                              NARRATOR
                    His taste is matched only by his
                    generosity.

          The bartender, at your request, pours drinks for EVERYONE
          ELSE in the bar. They gratefully accept.

                              NARRATOR
                    The only thing he can't afford is
                    for the bartender to realize that's
                    just a Dave & Buster's Player
                    Points Card.

                              BARTENDER
                         (examining your card)
                    Uh, hey, guy-?

          You freeze.

          TITLE CARD: THE BABY

          EXT. BAR

          The BOUNCER pushes you out of the bar. You're now wearing a
          ONESIE and carrying a TEDDY BEAR. You look scared and lost.

                              NARRATOR
                    Fine motor control. Speaking
                    English. You had these things
                    figured out. He does not.

          You incoherently mumble something about "losing your phone"
          and "Dave & Busters" to your friend.

                              FRIEND
                    Come on, use your big boys words.

                              NARRATOR
                    All he can think about is food and
                    breasts.

          You sit on the curb, rocking back and forth. Your friend
          brings you a HOT DOG. You take it, but are distracted by a
          PRETTY GIRL walking by. You reach out at her.

                              FRIEND
                    No. No! That's not for you.

                              NARRATOR
                    The worst parts are his mood
                    swings.

          In QUICK CUTS, we see you:

          - AMUSED by your own car keys.

          - FURIOUSLY ANGRY at a fire hydrant. 

          - HYPER, trying to start an impromptu DANCE PARTY

          - Then, finally, SOBBING sadly. You friends hugs you and
          tries to calm you down. You throw up  a bit on his back.

                              FRIEND
                    Really, dude?!

          But you're already asleep on his shoulder.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    At least he's a really good
                    sleeper.

          TITLE CARD: THE CORPSE

          INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

          The sun wakes you up. You're miserably hung over.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Fried food. Gatorade. Alka Seltzer.
                    Vitamin B. Possibly dog hair. All
                    of them. Now.

          You painfully GROAN and STRETCH. 

                              NARRATOR
                    You can't die. You need to find
                    your phone, your keys, check for
                    night puke-

          REVEAL: Your PHONE and KEYS sit next to a BOTTLE OF GATORADE
          and a TRASH CAN. Your friend stands at the door.

                              FRIEND
                    You owe me. Big time.

          You give him a weak thumbs up of thanks.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    A good friend has seen all your
                    personalities.

          You watch him exit. We see that there's a giant, colorful
          PENIS drawn on your back in sharpie.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And knows how to deal with each of
                    them.

          END.