By Owen Parsons & Ben Joseph
INT. DREADLORD'S OFFICE CHASE, RICH and LARRY hold a meeting with DREADLORD. DREADLORD Chase! You have failed me for the last time! CHASE What?! We literally just sat down. What did I do? DREADLORD Eh, not important. The important thing is I get to try out my brand new laser sword! Dreadlord pulls out a shipping container and opens it. DREADLORD (as he unpacks) BEHOLD! The instrument of your demise- Ooo, bubble wrap! RICH Don't worry. We'll get you out of here- Larry, suddenly reading the instruction booklet on the other side of the table, interrupts Rich. LARRY Dude! This thing has the new Eon 2 pain crystals! RICH What? Oh, awesome! Rich, excited, leaves Chase and runs to join Larry. Dreadlord clicks the sword. Nothing happens. LARRY (reading the manual) Fusion cores not included. DREADLORD Ugh! Just give me the adapter. Rich hands Dreadlord a POWER CABLE, which he plugs into the wall. A LIGHT comes on the sword, indicating it has power. DREADLORD CHASE! You have failed me for the last time- Dreadlord extends the blade. It's BRIGHT PINK. DREADLORD What? PINK? I can't kill anybody with this. CHASE Oh thank God- LARRY (reading) Wait! You can adjust the color. Dreadlord switches the sword through a variety of colors before landing on a LIGHT PURPLE. DREADLORD There we go. Mauve. This is a killing color. Chase GROANS. DREADLORD Now prepare to die! Dreadlord WHACKS Chase with the laser sword. It bounces off him like it's made of plastic. LARRY Safety's on. DREADLORD Oh, for the love of- Dreadlord fiddles. The sword falls like a loose rope. DREADLORD (with a hearty chuckle) Whoa! I swear this never happens. The guys join in hesitantly. DREADLORD No but seriously what the f*ck is wrong with my laser sword? RICH I think you have it set on 'whip.' Dreadlord flips the sword through a variety of settings: LASER SHOVEL, FORK, BALLOON, etc. The blade disappears. ROBOTIC VOICE 10... 9... 8... 7... DREADLORD Ooo! It counts! RICH Oh, God, that's the self destruct. Rich runs over and hits a switch. The sword stops. DREADLORD Ugh. Just give me that manual. Dreadlord takes the manual, begins reading and flipping through settings. DREADLORD Sorry, Chase. Be right with you. CHASE Take your time. Seriously. Dreadlord reads the manual, switching settings as he goes. DREADLORD X-ray. Laser pointer. Sword that only kills ghosts? Well, that's stupid. Who believes in ghosts? Beat. Dreadlord waves the sword around his head frantically. DREADLORD (back to reading) Ah! Here we go. Dreadlord clicks on a LONG GREEN BEAM. Chase braces himself, but Dreadlord's sword passes painlessly through him. DREADLORD Ha! Now you have cancer. CHASE (sad, quiet) What? DREADLORD Yes! And now you DIE! (casual) In 6 to 8 months, depending on how you respond to treatments. RICH We're going to fight this thing with you, buddy. Chase stands to leave. A quiet beat. DREADLORD Naw, this isn't gonna work, I need something with more pop. Dreadlord turns the sword into a standard blue laser sword. DREADLORD CHASE! You have failed me for the- CHASE -last time. Got it. Dreadlord takes a step forward to kill Chase, but is stopped by the sword's EXTENSION CORD, still plugged into the wall. LARRY (reading) The red slider makes it longer. Dreadlord fiddles with the sword. RICH But be careful, it's very sensi- EXT. DREAD CRUISER SUPER WIDE. A BRIGHT LASER pierces the top of the station. INT. DREADLORD'S OFFICE All stand, looking up at the sword going straight into the ceiling. RICH Wow. Uh. Don't... Move... DREADLORD WHAT? Dreadlord turns, lowering his station-skewering sword. On SCREAMS and LASER CUTTING METAL, we CUT TO BLACK. END.