Troopers: Laser Sword

By

Owen Parsons & Ben Joseph

          INT. DREADLORD'S OFFICE

          CHASE, RICH and LARRY hold a meeting with DREADLORD.

                              DREADLORD
                    Chase! You have failed me for the
                    last time!

                              CHASE
                    What?! We literally just sat down.
                    What did I do?

                              DREADLORD
                    Eh, not important. The important
                    thing is I get to try out my brand
                    new laser sword!

          Dreadlord pulls out a shipping container and opens it.

                              DREADLORD
                         (as he unpacks)
                    BEHOLD! The instrument of your
                    demise- Ooo, bubble wrap!

                              RICH
                    Don't worry. We'll get you out of
                    here-

          Larry, suddenly reading the instruction booklet on the other
          side of the table, interrupts Rich. 

                              LARRY
                    Dude! This thing has the new Eon 2
                    pain crystals!

                              RICH
                    What? Oh, awesome!

          Rich, excited, leaves Chase and runs to join Larry.
          Dreadlord clicks the sword. Nothing happens. 

                              LARRY
                         (reading the manual)
                    Fusion cores not included.

                              DREADLORD
                    Ugh! Just give me the adapter.

          Rich hands Dreadlord a POWER CABLE, which he plugs into the
          wall. A LIGHT comes on the sword, indicating it has power.

                              DREADLORD
                    CHASE! You have failed me for the
                    last time-

          Dreadlord extends the blade. It's BRIGHT PINK.

                              DREADLORD
                    What? PINK? I can't kill anybody
                    with this.

                              CHASE
                    Oh thank God-

                              LARRY
                         (reading)
                    Wait! You can adjust the color.

          Dreadlord switches the sword through a variety of colors
          before landing on a LIGHT PURPLE.

                              DREADLORD
                    There we go. Mauve. This is a
                    killing color.

          Chase GROANS.

                              DREADLORD
                    Now prepare to die!

          Dreadlord WHACKS Chase with the laser sword. It bounces off
          him like it's made of plastic.

                              LARRY
                    Safety's on.

                              DREADLORD
                    Oh, for the love of-

          Dreadlord fiddles. The sword falls like a loose rope.

                              DREADLORD
                         (with a hearty chuckle)
                    Whoa! I swear this never happens.

          The guys join in hesitantly.

                              DREADLORD
                    No but seriously what the f*ck is
                    wrong with my laser sword?

                              RICH
                    I think you have it set on 'whip.'

          Dreadlord flips the sword through a variety of settings:
          LASER SHOVEL, FORK, BALLOON, etc. The blade disappears.

                              ROBOTIC VOICE
                    10... 9... 8... 7...

                              DREADLORD
                    Ooo! It counts!

                              RICH
                    Oh, God, that's the self destruct.

          Rich runs over and hits a switch. The sword stops.

                              DREADLORD
                    Ugh. Just give me that manual.

          Dreadlord takes the manual, begins reading and flipping
          through settings.

                              DREADLORD
                    Sorry, Chase. Be right with you.

                              CHASE
                    Take your time. Seriously.

          Dreadlord reads the manual, switching settings as he goes.

                              DREADLORD
                    X-ray. Laser pointer. Sword that
                    only kills ghosts? Well, that's
                    stupid. Who believes in ghosts?

          Beat. Dreadlord waves the sword around his head frantically.

                              DREADLORD
                         (back to reading)
                    Ah! Here we go.

          Dreadlord clicks on a LONG GREEN BEAM. Chase braces himself,
          but Dreadlord's sword passes painlessly through him.

                              DREADLORD
                    Ha! Now you have cancer.

                              CHASE
                         (sad, quiet)
                    What?

                              DREADLORD
                    Yes! And now you DIE!
                         (casual)
                    In 6 to 8 months, depending on how
                    you respond to treatments.

                              RICH
                    We're going to fight this thing
                    with you, buddy.

          Chase stands to leave. A quiet beat.

                              DREADLORD
                    Naw, this isn't gonna work, I need
                    something with more pop.

          Dreadlord turns the sword into a standard blue laser sword.

                              DREADLORD
                    CHASE! You have failed me for the-

                              CHASE
                    -last time. Got it.

          Dreadlord takes a step forward to kill Chase, but is stopped
          by the sword's EXTENSION CORD, still plugged into the wall.

                              LARRY
                         (reading)
                    The red slider makes it longer.

          Dreadlord fiddles with the sword.

                              RICH
                    But be careful, it's very sensi-

          EXT. DREAD CRUISER

          SUPER WIDE. A BRIGHT LASER pierces the top of the station.

          INT. DREADLORD'S OFFICE

          All stand, looking up at the sword going straight into the
          ceiling.

                              RICH
                    Wow. Uh. Don't... Move...

                              DREADLORD
                    WHAT?

          Dreadlord turns, lowering his station-skewering sword. On
          SCREAMS and LASER CUTTING METAL, we CUT TO BLACK.

          END.