By Patrick Cassels
INT. POLLING STATION TITLE CARD: "NOVEMBER 6, 2012" PAT steps into a voting machine. The curtains loudly SLIDE shut behind him. DEMOCRAT KNOB Welcome back! Geez, has it been four years already? PAT Uh, hi. DEMOCRAT KNOB I won't waste your time. Just give me a crank-er-ino, snag an "I Voted" sticker and I'll see you in 2016, buddy. REPUBLICAN KNOB Excuse me, but do you know he's gonna pick you this time? DEMOCRAT KNOB He's a progressive 20-something living in a major metropolitan area. I'm basically his only choice. (to Pat) Come on! Think how much it'll piss off your parents! Pat nods at this. REPUBLICAN KNOB Hey hey hey! Hold up. Don't you, like, hate paying taxes? PAT I guess so. REPUBLICAN KNOB Congratulations, you're a Republican! PAT I am? REPUBLICAN KNOB Sure! Unless you want your sick grandma to be put on a death panel. Pat considers the Republican Knob. DEMOCRAT KNOB Hey! Have you forgotten 2008? Change? You posted picture of Obama wearing sunglasses on Tumblr. Tumblr. Does that mean nothing? Pat thinks some more. PAN DOWN the booth to reveal the THIRD PARTY KNOBS. CONSTITUTION PARTY Yeah! Don't mind us! REFORM PARTY Honestly, why do us third parties even bother coming out. PAT (sympathetic) Hey, I'd totally vote for you guys. CONSTITUTION PARTY Don't fuck with us! Do you even know what our platform is? PAT Um, more, er, less tax... REFORM PARTY Yeah, nice try. CONSTITUTION PARTY Just go ahead and vote Democrat and turn this country into a Socialist state. SOCIALIST PARTY KNOB Ooo! Did somebody menton me? REFORM/DEMOCRAT No! COMMUNIST PARTY KNOB (Russian accent) Brothers! Vhy do ve fight? Only UNITED can ve be STRONG! Like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV! REPUBLICAN KNOB (to himself) Didn't he lose in the end? PAT I'm sorry, guys. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now. LIBERTARIAN KNOB (fast-tongued carnival barker) You look like a lost lad who can't make up his bean! PAT Yeah, I guess-- LIBERTARIAN KNOB Well it's your lucky day, good sir. What if I told you I could offer you the best of both worlds? The civil liberties of Barry-O-B with the fiscal conservatism of the GOP? PAT Just slow down. LIBERTARIAN KNOB Did you know Libertarianism is the #3 political party in the country? Not to shabby, eh? I'm R.C. Cola. I'm Linux. You've tried the rest, now try legalized prostitution! PAT Are... are you okay? DOWN to reveal the GREEN PARTY KNOB, with a huge joint in it's "mouth" (?). GREEN PARTY KNOB (JOSH) Nah, he needs to mellow out. Dude's trippin' balls. It's like our motto says, "No Pills. No powders." Pat pulls a Green Party pamphlet from it's pocket. It indeed says "No Pills. No powders." in a very official font. REPUBLICAN KNOB Is that marijuana I smell?! Do I need to call the cops on you pot fiends?! GREEN PARTY KNOB Ah, crap. The Green Knob spits the joint to the ground. UNIDENTIFIED KNOB (oddly kind voice) Sorry, could you, like, not litter? PAT Sorry, I- Wait, are you the Green Party, too? UNIDENTIFIED KNOB Goodness no. American Nazi Party. Super great to meet you. Yeah, I'm still a thing. REVEAL PLAQUE. It's indeed the AMERICAN NAZI PARTY. PAT Oh my God. NAZI PARTY KNOB (still nice) Now would you kindly use those filthy jewfrican-loving hands of yours to pick up your garbage? TEA PARTY KNOB Hey, Nazi Party! Why don't you grow a pair of stones, huh?! NAZI PARTY KNOB (sheepish; intimidated) Yes sir, sorry sir. PAT Hey, the Tea Party's not an actual political party. TEA PARTY KNOB (condescending) And Obama's not a real American, so I guess we're even. PAT You know what? You've all given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take some time to get informed before I cast my vote. Thank you. Honestly. Really. Thanks. Pat exits the booth. He calmly walks to the registration table, where a CLERK greets him. PAT Hi, yeah, the knobs in that voting machine all talk and it's freaking me the fuck out. END. POST-HUH: Two old-timey looking WHIG and BULL MOOSE knobs, way at the bottom of the booth, wake up with a loud snort. WHIG KNOB Goodness! Did we miss another voter? BULL MOOSE KNOB Let's bust some trusts! DEMOCRAT KNOB Oh God, who woke them up? WHIG KNOB Down with Jacksonianism!