Voting Booth Talks Back

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. POLLING STATION

          TITLE CARD: "NOVEMBER 6, 2012"

          PAT steps into a voting machine. The curtains loudly SLIDE
          shut behind him.

                              DEMOCRAT KNOB
                    Welcome back! Geez, has it been
                    four years already?

                              PAT
                    Uh, hi.

                              DEMOCRAT KNOB
                    I won't waste your time. Just give
                    me a crank-er-ino, snag an "I
                    Voted" sticker and I'll see you in
                    2016, buddy.

                              REPUBLICAN KNOB
                    Excuse me, but do you know he's
                    gonna pick you this time?

                              DEMOCRAT KNOB
                    He's a progressive 20-something
                    living in a major metropolitan
                    area. I'm basically his only
                    choice.
                         (to Pat)
                    Come on! Think how much it'll piss
                    off your parents!

          Pat nods at this.

                              REPUBLICAN KNOB
                    Hey hey hey! Hold up. Don't you,
                    like, hate paying taxes?

                              PAT
                    I guess so.

                              REPUBLICAN KNOB
                    Congratulations, you're a
                    Republican!

                              PAT
                    I am?

                              REPUBLICAN KNOB
                    Sure! Unless you want your sick
                    grandma to be put on a death panel.

          Pat considers the Republican Knob.

                              DEMOCRAT KNOB
                    Hey! Have you forgotten 2008?
                    Change? You posted  picture of
                    Obama wearing sunglasses on Tumblr.
                    Tumblr. Does that mean nothing?

          Pat thinks some more. PAN DOWN the booth to reveal the THIRD
          PARTY KNOBS.

                              CONSTITUTION PARTY
                    Yeah! Don't mind us!

                              REFORM PARTY
                    Honestly, why do us third parties
                    even bother coming out.

                              PAT
                         (sympathetic)
                    Hey, I'd totally vote for you guys.

                              CONSTITUTION PARTY
                    Don't fuck with us! Do you even
                    know what our platform is?

                              PAT
                    Um, more, er, less tax...

                              REFORM PARTY
                    Yeah, nice try.

                              CONSTITUTION PARTY
                    Just go ahead and vote Democrat and
                    turn this country into a Socialist
                    state.

                              SOCIALIST PARTY KNOB
                    Ooo! Did somebody menton me?

                              REFORM/DEMOCRAT
                    No!

                              COMMUNIST PARTY KNOB
                         (Russian accent)
                    Brothers! Vhy do ve fight? Only
                    UNITED can ve be STRONG! Like Ivan
                    Drago in Rocky IV!

                              REPUBLICAN KNOB
                         (to himself)
                    Didn't he lose in the end?

                              PAT
                    I'm sorry, guys. I'm just a little
                    overwhelmed right now.

                              LIBERTARIAN KNOB
                         (fast-tongued carnival barker)
                    You look like a lost lad who can't
                    make up his bean!

                              PAT
                    Yeah, I guess--

                              LIBERTARIAN KNOB
                    Well it's your lucky day, good sir.
                    What if I told you I could offer
                    you the best of both worlds? The
                    civil liberties of Barry-O-B with
                    the fiscal conservatism of the GOP?

                              PAT
                    Just slow down.

                              LIBERTARIAN KNOB
                    Did you know Libertarianism is the
                    #3 political party in the country?
                    Not to shabby, eh? I'm R.C. Cola.
                    I'm Linux. You've tried the rest,
                    now try legalized prostitution!

                              PAT
                    Are... are you okay?

          DOWN to reveal the GREEN PARTY KNOB, with a huge joint in
          it's "mouth" (?).

                              GREEN PARTY KNOB (JOSH)
                    Nah, he needs to mellow out. Dude's
                    trippin' balls. It's like our motto
                    says, "No Pills. No powders."

          Pat pulls a Green Party pamphlet from it's pocket. It indeed
          says "No Pills. No powders." in a very official font.

                              REPUBLICAN KNOB
                    Is that marijuana I smell?! Do I
                    need to call the cops on you pot
                    fiends?!

                              GREEN PARTY KNOB
                    Ah, crap.

          The Green Knob spits the joint to the ground.

                              UNIDENTIFIED KNOB
                         (oddly kind voice)
                    Sorry, could you, like, not litter?

                              PAT
                    Sorry, I- Wait, are you the Green
                    Party, too?

                              UNIDENTIFIED KNOB
                    Goodness no. American Nazi Party.
                    Super great to meet you. Yeah, I'm
                    still a thing.

          REVEAL PLAQUE. It's indeed the AMERICAN NAZI PARTY.

                              PAT
                    Oh my God.

                              NAZI PARTY KNOB
                         (still nice)
                    Now would you kindly use those
                    filthy jewfrican-loving hands of
                    yours to pick up your garbage?

                              TEA PARTY KNOB
                    Hey, Nazi Party! Why don't you grow
                    a pair of stones, huh?!

                              NAZI PARTY KNOB
                         (sheepish; intimidated)
                    Yes sir, sorry sir.

                              PAT
                    Hey, the Tea Party's not an actual
                    political party.

                              TEA PARTY KNOB
                         (condescending)
                    And Obama's not a real American, so
                    I guess we're even.

                              PAT
                    You know what? You've all given me
                    a lot to think about. I'm going to
                    take some time to get informed
                    before I cast my vote. Thank you.
                    Honestly. Really. Thanks.

          Pat exits the booth. He calmly walks to the registration
          table, where a CLERK greets him.

                              PAT
                    Hi, yeah, the knobs in that voting
                    machine all talk and it's freaking
                    me the fuck out.

          END.

          POST-HUH:

          Two old-timey looking WHIG and BULL MOOSE knobs, way at the
          bottom of the booth, wake up with a loud snort.

                              WHIG KNOB
                    Goodness! Did we miss another
                    voter?

                              BULL MOOSE KNOB
                    Let's bust some trusts!

                              DEMOCRAT KNOB
                    Oh God, who woke them up?

                              WHIG KNOB
                    Down with Jacksonianism!