There's no crime against humanity a spot brush can't fix.
By Dan Gurewitch & Owen Parsons
WINDOWS DESKTOP - ANIMATION
BRIAN O'NEIL HUGHES narrates in his matter-of-fact tone.
Hi, I'm Brian O'Neil Hughes, I'm a
Photoshop project manager. As you
may have heard on the news I'm
currently a guest of the North
Korean government, so while I'm
here, I thought I'd give you some
tips for touching up publicity
photos of a great leader's state
WIDE AERIAL PHOTO of a North Korean funeral parade.
To start, let's use Content Aware
Fill to expand this crowd a bit.
There we go, what an impressive and
Brian expands the depth of the crowd lining the road by
about 50%. SUDDENLY, AN O.S. ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM (apparently
...For a peasant! Obviously we'll
want to fill the rest of this out,
make this sign just a smidge
bigger, and add a few golden
Brian quickly FILLS the entire empty expanse of snow with
more people like the ones that line the road, expands the
portrait of Kim Jong Il on top of the car to 4x its original
size, and adds a few golden chariots flanking the car.
Now let's move into some close-up
shots of the crowd.
NEW PHOTO: North Koreans seriously weeping.
Okay, these people are going to
need to be a LOT sadder. So this is
where our Warp Tool comes in. We'll
droop these a jowls a bit, drag
the frown down, really make this
guy look like a rotting misery pumpkin.
Take a soft brush here and add in a
Brian makes the Korean look horrifically miserable, then
adds a ton of tears exploding from the side of his face.
I've gone ahead and done that for
the rest of these guys as well.
Brian clicks onto a layer that makes all six Koreans in the
shot incredibly, cartoonishly sad.
Whoops, got a little smudge there.
Let's take care of that.
ZOOM IN on a corner, where a Sad Korean stands in front of
an ANGRY KOREAN SOLDIER holding a MACHINE GUN at his back.
Brian quickly lassos the gun and takes it out with the
Content Aware Fill, replaces it with a CAT IN A SAILOR SUIT.
Great, great. Everything's great.
As he brings up a NEW PHOTO, a line of INTENSE ARMED KOREAN
SOLDIERS, he kills time by adding:
You know a lot of people don't know
this, but Kim Jong Il invented
Photoshop. And computers, and art.
Now here, you'll want to emphasize
the natural hero qualities of the
brave soldiers. I've already got a
layer set up for this.
Brian clicks onto a new layer, turning the entire row of
soldiers into the CAST OF "THE EXPENDABLES" (the image from
the movie poster, with a Korean touch or two).
And there you have it, they just
needed a bit of shading.
PAN UP the image: in the background, an empty foggy space.
O.S. KOREAN VOICE makes a "Don't forget this..." noise.
Yup, getting to that! You'll want
to replace this foggy sky with a
nice view of the great leader's
He reveals a layer with the EIFFEL TOWER in this space.
(to himself, exasperated)
-that's obviously the Eiffel Tower.
O.S. an ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM and the sound of Brian being HIT
IN THE HEAD with the butt of a gun. He screams and breathes
heavily, then slips back into his normal cadence.
Brian moves on to a photo of KIM JONG UN.
(spits out some blood)
Okay, moving on. Here we have Kim
Jong Un, the Great Successor. Due
to some sort of traitorous camera
error he's looking like a bit of a
chunker, so let's real quick just
pinch that in, pull that out, get
rid of that Baby Ruth and great.
You know what, he's 9 feet tall.
Brian makes Kim Jong Un slimmer, expands his shoulders and
muscles, removes a Baby Ruth bar from his hand, and then
quickly stretches him to 9 feet tall.
What's odd about this photo is he's
not courageously defending the
Motherland. Usually he'd be found
standing on the necks of his
enemies, fighting wild beasts, and
receiving oral pleasure from a
Brian adjusts the photo, making Kim Jong Un stand with a
foot on Obama's head and neck, then shirtless with a wild
boar in a choke-hold, then receiving oral sex from a
kneeling mermaid. Then adds JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME nearby,
giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up.
Jean-Claude van Damme approves. You
wouldn't see that in South Korea.
O.S. ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM.
Sorry, False Korea.
Okay Brian O'Neil Hughes, sure,
you're a coward, but somewhere
inside you is a man with the
strength to finish this.
Brian switches back to his casual tone, and turns to a photo
of Kim Jong Il's coffin.
Okay! One final photo, here's Kim
Jong Il's coffin, taken just before
Kim Jong Il burst out of it,
brought back to life by the sheer
force of his dedication to the
North Korean people.
He adds Kim Jong Il HOPPING OUT OF THE COFFIN, extremely
alive, then refers to a field behind it:
And wow, look at this empty field
back here. That'd be a great spot
to insert a park, or a playground,
or maybe a chopper carrying Seal
Team Six, on a mission to save a
captured US national. So if you
like this, please contact me at
Brian starts frantically listing his COORDINATES on the
image with a bold red brush. Suddenly, we hear another O.S.
KOREAN SCREAM, a SCUFFLE, some VIOLENT IMPACT NOISES, etc.
No! No! I'm sorry! Not my hand! NOT
MY HOT KEY HAND!!!
SCREAMS as we CUT AWAY.