North Korean Photoshop Tutorial

By

Dan Gurewitch & Owen Parsons

          WINDOWS DESKTOP - ANIMATION

          BRIAN O'NEIL HUGHES narrates in his matter-of-fact tone.

                              BRIAN
                    Hi, I'm Brian O'Neil Hughes, I'm a
                    Photoshop project manager. As you
                    may have heard on the news I'm
                    currently a guest of the North
                    Korean government, so while I'm
                    here, I thought I'd give you some
                    tips for touching up publicity
                    photos of a great leader's state
                    funeral.

          WIDE AERIAL PHOTO of a North Korean funeral parade.

                              BRIAN
                    To start, let's use Content Aware
                    Fill to expand this crowd a bit.
                    There we go, what an impressive and
                    inspiring turnout.

          Brian expands the depth of the crowd lining the road by
          about 50%. SUDDENLY, AN O.S. ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM (apparently
          his captor).

                              BRIAN
                         (nervous)
                    ...For a peasant! Obviously we'll
                    want to fill the rest of this out,
                    make this sign just a smidge
                    bigger, and add a few golden
                    chariots.

          Brian quickly FILLS the entire empty expanse of snow with
          more people like the ones that line the road, expands the
          portrait of Kim Jong Il on top of the car to 4x its original
          size, and adds a few golden chariots flanking the car.

                              BRIAN
                    Now let's move into some close-up
                    shots of the crowd.

          NEW PHOTO: North Koreans seriously weeping.

                              BRIAN
                    Okay, these people are going to
                    need to be a LOT sadder. So this is
                    where our Warp Tool comes in. We'll
                    droop these a jowls a bit, drag
                    the frown down, really make this
                    guy look like a rotting misery pumpkin.
                    Take a soft brush here and add in a
                    few tears.

          Brian makes the Korean look horrifically miserable, then
          adds a ton of tears exploding from the side of his face.

                              BRIAN
                    I've gone ahead and done that for
                    the rest of these guys as well.

          Brian clicks onto a layer that makes all six Koreans in the
          shot incredibly, cartoonishly sad.

                              BRIAN
                    Whoops, got a little smudge there.
                    Let's take care of that.

          ZOOM IN on a corner, where a Sad Korean stands in front of
          an ANGRY KOREAN SOLDIER holding a MACHINE GUN at his back.
          Brian quickly lassos the gun and takes it out with the
          Content Aware Fill, replaces it with a CAT IN A SAILOR SUIT.

                              BRIAN
                    Great, great. Everything's great.

          As he brings up a NEW PHOTO, a line of INTENSE ARMED KOREAN
          SOLDIERS, he kills time by adding:

                              BRIAN
                    You know a lot of people don't know
                    this, but Kim Jong Il invented
                    Photoshop. And computers, and art.
                         (re: photo)
                    Now here, you'll want to emphasize
                    the natural hero qualities of the
                    brave soldiers. I've already got a
                    layer set up for this.

          Brian clicks onto a new layer, turning the entire row of
          soldiers into the CAST OF "THE EXPENDABLES" (the image from
          the movie poster, with a Korean touch or two).

                              BRIAN
                    And there you have it, they just
                    needed a bit of shading.

          PAN UP the image: in the background, an empty foggy space.
          O.S. KOREAN VOICE makes a "Don't forget this..." noise.

                              BRIAN
                    Yup, getting to that! You'll want
                    to replace this foggy sky with a
                    nice view of the great leader's
                    glorious tombstone-

          He reveals a layer with the EIFFEL TOWER in this space.

                              BRIAN
                         (to himself, exasperated)
                    -that's obviously the Eiffel Tower.

          O.S. an ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM and the sound of Brian being HIT
          IN THE HEAD with the butt of a gun. He screams and breathes
          heavily, then slips back into his normal cadence.

          Brian moves on to a photo of KIM JONG UN.

                              BRIAN
                    AH!... ah...
                         (spits out some blood)
                    Okay, moving on. Here we have Kim
                    Jong Un, the Great Successor. Due
                    to some sort of traitorous camera
                    error he's looking like a bit of a
                    chunker, so let's real quick just
                    pinch that in, pull that out, get
                    rid of that Baby Ruth and great.
                    You know what, he's 9 feet tall.

          Brian makes Kim Jong Un slimmer, expands his shoulders and
          muscles, removes a Baby Ruth bar from his hand, and then
          quickly stretches him to 9 feet tall.

                              BRIAN
                    What's odd about this photo is he's
                    not courageously defending the
                    Motherland. Usually he'd be found
                    standing on the necks of his
                    enemies, fighting wild beasts, and
                    receiving oral pleasure from a
                    mermaid.

          Brian adjusts the photo, making Kim Jong Un stand with a
          foot on Obama's head and neck, then shirtless with a wild
          boar in a choke-hold, then receiving oral sex from a
          kneeling mermaid. Then adds JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME nearby,
          giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

                              BRIAN
                    Jean-Claude van Damme approves. You
                    wouldn't see that in South Korea.

          O.S. ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM.

                              BRIAN
                    Sorry, False Korea.
                         (to himself)
                    Okay Brian O'Neil Hughes, sure,
                    you're a coward, but somewhere
                    inside you is a man with the
                    strength to finish this.

          Brian switches back to his casual tone, and turns to a photo
          of Kim Jong Il's coffin.

                              BRIAN
                    Okay! One final photo, here's Kim
                    Jong Il's coffin, taken just before
                    Kim Jong Il burst out of it,
                    brought back to life by the sheer
                    force of his dedication to the
                    North Korean people.

          He adds Kim Jong Il HOPPING OUT OF THE COFFIN, extremely
          alive, then refers to a field behind it:

                              BRIAN
                    And wow, look at this empty field
                    back here. That'd be a great spot
                    to insert a park, or a playground,
                    or maybe a chopper carrying Seal
                    Team Six, on a mission to save a
                    captured US national. So if you
                    like this, please contact me at
                    these coordinates-

          Brian starts frantically listing his COORDINATES on the
          image with a bold red brush. Suddenly, we hear another O.S.
          KOREAN SCREAM, a SCUFFLE, some VIOLENT IMPACT NOISES, etc.

                              BRIAN
                    No! No! I'm sorry! Not my hand! NOT
                    MY HOT KEY HAND!!!

          SCREAMS as we CUT AWAY.

          END.