From CH Staff on
There's no crime against humanity a spot brush can't fix.
By Dan Gurewitch & Owen Parsons
WINDOWS DESKTOP - ANIMATION BRIAN O'NEIL HUGHES narrates in his matter-of-fact tone. BRIAN Hi, I'm Brian O'Neil Hughes, I'm a Photoshop project manager. As you may have heard on the news I'm currently a guest of the North Korean government, so while I'm here, I thought I'd give you some tips for touching up publicity photos of a great leader's state funeral. WIDE AERIAL PHOTO of a North Korean funeral parade. BRIAN To start, let's use Content Aware Fill to expand this crowd a bit. There we go, what an impressive and inspiring turnout. Brian expands the depth of the crowd lining the road by about 50%. SUDDENLY, AN O.S. ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM (apparently his captor). BRIAN (nervous) ...For a peasant! Obviously we'll want to fill the rest of this out, make this sign just a smidge bigger, and add a few golden chariots. Brian quickly FILLS the entire empty expanse of snow with more people like the ones that line the road, expands the portrait of Kim Jong Il on top of the car to 4x its original size, and adds a few golden chariots flanking the car. BRIAN Now let's move into some close-up shots of the crowd. NEW PHOTO: North Koreans seriously weeping. BRIAN Okay, these people are going to need to be a LOT sadder. So this is where our Warp Tool comes in. We'll droop these a jowls a bit, drag the frown down, really make this guy look like a rotting misery pumpkin. Take a soft brush here and add in a few tears. Brian makes the Korean look horrifically miserable, then adds a ton of tears exploding from the side of his face. BRIAN I've gone ahead and done that for the rest of these guys as well. Brian clicks onto a layer that makes all six Koreans in the shot incredibly, cartoonishly sad. BRIAN Whoops, got a little smudge there. Let's take care of that. ZOOM IN on a corner, where a Sad Korean stands in front of an ANGRY KOREAN SOLDIER holding a MACHINE GUN at his back. Brian quickly lassos the gun and takes it out with the Content Aware Fill, replaces it with a CAT IN A SAILOR SUIT. BRIAN Great, great. Everything's great. As he brings up a NEW PHOTO, a line of INTENSE ARMED KOREAN SOLDIERS, he kills time by adding: BRIAN You know a lot of people don't know this, but Kim Jong Il invented Photoshop. And computers, and art. (re: photo) Now here, you'll want to emphasize the natural hero qualities of the brave soldiers. I've already got a layer set up for this. Brian clicks onto a new layer, turning the entire row of soldiers into the CAST OF "THE EXPENDABLES" (the image from the movie poster, with a Korean touch or two). BRIAN And there you have it, they just needed a bit of shading. PAN UP the image: in the background, an empty foggy space. O.S. KOREAN VOICE makes a "Don't forget this..." noise. BRIAN Yup, getting to that! You'll want to replace this foggy sky with a nice view of the great leader's glorious tombstone- He reveals a layer with the EIFFEL TOWER in this space. BRIAN (to himself, exasperated) -that's obviously the Eiffel Tower. O.S. an ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM and the sound of Brian being HIT IN THE HEAD with the butt of a gun. He screams and breathes heavily, then slips back into his normal cadence. Brian moves on to a photo of KIM JONG UN. BRIAN AH!... ah... (spits out some blood) Okay, moving on. Here we have Kim Jong Un, the Great Successor. Due to some sort of traitorous camera error he's looking like a bit of a chunker, so let's real quick just pinch that in, pull that out, get rid of that Baby Ruth and great. You know what, he's 9 feet tall. Brian makes Kim Jong Un slimmer, expands his shoulders and muscles, removes a Baby Ruth bar from his hand, and then quickly stretches him to 9 feet tall. BRIAN What's odd about this photo is he's not courageously defending the Motherland. Usually he'd be found standing on the necks of his enemies, fighting wild beasts, and receiving oral pleasure from a mermaid. Brian adjusts the photo, making Kim Jong Un stand with a foot on Obama's head and neck, then shirtless with a wild boar in a choke-hold, then receiving oral sex from a kneeling mermaid. Then adds JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME nearby, giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up. BRIAN Jean-Claude van Damme approves. You wouldn't see that in South Korea. O.S. ANGRY KOREAN SCREAM. BRIAN Sorry, False Korea. (to himself) Okay Brian O'Neil Hughes, sure, you're a coward, but somewhere inside you is a man with the strength to finish this. Brian switches back to his casual tone, and turns to a photo of Kim Jong Il's coffin. BRIAN Okay! One final photo, here's Kim Jong Il's coffin, taken just before Kim Jong Il burst out of it, brought back to life by the sheer force of his dedication to the North Korean people. He adds Kim Jong Il HOPPING OUT OF THE COFFIN, extremely alive, then refers to a field behind it: BRIAN And wow, look at this empty field back here. That'd be a great spot to insert a park, or a playground, or maybe a chopper carrying Seal Team Six, on a mission to save a captured US national. So if you like this, please contact me at these coordinates- Brian starts frantically listing his COORDINATES on the image with a bold red brush. Suddenly, we hear another O.S. KOREAN SCREAM, a SCUFFLE, some VIOLENT IMPACT NOISES, etc. BRIAN No! No! I'm sorry! Not my hand! NOT MY HOT KEY HAND!!! SCREAMS as we CUT AWAY. END.