To all those single on Valentine's Day: love yourself, but carefully.
By Sarah Schneider & Dan Gurewitch
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (NIGHT) High-schooler ALISON sits with her friends CLAIRE and MOLLY at a sleepover, all in PJs, giggling and gossiping. They're unpopular girls. ALISON But like, what if he wants to make out after the dance? I've never kissed a boy before. CLAIRE Duh, practice on your hand! MOLLY That's how I learned. They giggle. Alison nods, thinking about this. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ALISON'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT NIGHT Alison is alone. She checks in the hallway to make sure no one's around. After a moment of consideration, she takes a deep breath, lifts up the back of her hand, and briefly, TENDERLY MAKES OUT WITH IT. She pulls her hand away. Suddenly, a LITTLE MOUTH on the back of her hand SPEAKS TO HER, moving its lips. He has the voice of a TEENAGE GUY - tentative, sweet. Softly: KISSING HAND Hey. ALISON (confused, but charmed) Hey. KISSING HAND That was... really nice. ALISON Are you sure? I- I don't really know what I'm doing. KISSING HAND (laughing comfortingly) Yeah, you were great. Hey, I've gotta meet my friends... maybe I'll see you after third period? ALISON Oh. Yeah, okay. Alison lowers her hand and smiles. Suddenly, her KNEES speak up to her hand - the voices of his douchey TEEN GUY FRIENDS. KNEE 1 has a CIGARETTE Dangling out of his mouth. KNEE 1 Uh... what the hell was that? KISSING HAND What are you talking about? KNEE 2 We saw you kissing Alison McCloskey. KISSING HAND (awkward) What? No. I just- I was asking her if I could borrow her brother's skateboard. KNEE 1 We know what we saw. Dude, she's in color guard. The two knees laugh, disgusted/mocking. Hand is defensive. KISSING HAND Yeah, which is why I didn't kiss her, buttheads. Alison lifts her OTHER HAND to her face. It speaks with voice of her BEST GUY FRIEND - also unpopular, shy, sweet. ALISON Other Hand! Oh my god, I have something to tell you. OTHER HAND I have something to tell you, too. I know we're best friends, but I've started to feel something- ALISON HAND AND I TOTALLY JUST KISSED! I like him SO MUCH. OTHER HAND (crestfallen) Oh. That's radical. ALISON (staring at Kissing Hand) Oh my G, he's looking at me. He is SO. CUTE. Back at Alison's waist-level, Knees talk to Kissing Hand. KNEE 1 She's staring right at you, bro. KISSING HAND Shut up, jackwad. Let's just ditch seventh period and grind that rail behind the Fuddrucker's like we always do. Alison's ELBOW speaks up, with a MIDDLE-AGED MAN VOICE. ELBOW You boys think I can't hear you? KISSING HAND & KNEES (sing-song) Sorry, Myr. Elbow. KNEE 2 Mr. Elbow's such a dick. ELBOW (O.S.) I have ears, you know! Alison's BIG TOE speaks up, a BITCHY CHEERLEADER. BIG TOE Hey, Hand. I saw you get in trouble. You wanna make out? KNEE 1 Yeah right, he's already got a girlfriend. KNEES 1 & 2 (mocking) Alison McCloskey! KISSING HAND Ugh, I TOLD YOU, I'd never touch that pimple-nosed fatty freak! Cut to Alison, who's OVERHEARD THIS. She gasps, hurt. KISSING HAND No, wait! Alison! I- I didn't- Alison stuffs Kissing Hand in her pocket (he continues his pleading, now MUFFLED), and starts CRYING. She lifts up OTHER HAND to her tear-stained face. OTHER HAND Come on. Allie- Alison, look at me. You're beautiful, okay? (she keeps crying) Anyone who doesn't see what I see is an idiot. (noticing a TEAR on her cheek) Here... let me get that. Alison wipes her tear away with her best friend hand, then moves it towards her lips. They're about to KISS, when suddenly Alison's KISSING HAND is lifted up to the other side of her face. KISSING HAND Alison? Alison turns to look at her kissing hand. OTHER HAND She doesn't want to talk to you, Hand. KISSING HAND Alison, look. I messed up, okay. I just- I like you, I do. KNEE 1 UGH! Bro, are you serious? BIG TOE (to herself) Gross. I'm gonna go fuck armpit. OTHER HAND Don't listen to him. He's just gonna hurt you, it's what he does. Alison looks back and forth between her hands. ALISON Thanks Hand, but I should be with a hand that treats me like I deserve to be treated. And that hand... is Other Hand. Alison kisses Other Hand. Kissing Hand pushes Other Hand away. KISSING HAND Get your hands off my girl! OTHER HAND You heard what she said! She's not your girl! KNEES 1 & 2 FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! CUT TO WIDE TO ACTUAL REALITY. Alison is doing GRUFF MALE NONSENSE VOICES, shaking her hands, knees and toes at each other as she talks. her LEFT KNEE has a CIGARETTE taped to it. It's pathetic. ALISON (shaking left hand) Mnuh-nuh-numanumanuh! (shaking right hand) NUMA-numa-NUMNUMNUM! She SMACKS HER HANDS TOGETHER limply in front of her face. ALISON Guys, don't fight! CUT TO DOORWAY, where Alison's MIDDLE-AGED PARENTS stand watching her, sad, her father's arm around her mother. Her father shakes his head and closes the door as they slowly, sadly walk away. END.