To all those single on Valentine's Day: love yourself, but carefully.
By Sarah Schneider & Dan Gurewitch
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (NIGHT)
High-schooler ALISON sits with her friends CLAIRE and MOLLY
at a sleepover, all in PJs, giggling and gossiping. They're
But like, what if he wants to make
out after the dance? I've never
kissed a boy before.
Duh, practice on your hand!
That's how I learned.
They giggle. Alison nods, thinking about this.
INT. ALISON'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT NIGHT
Alison is alone. She checks in the hallway to make sure no
one's around. After a moment of consideration, she takes a
deep breath, lifts up the back of her hand, and briefly,
TENDERLY MAKES OUT WITH IT.
She pulls her hand away. Suddenly, a LITTLE MOUTH on the
back of her hand SPEAKS TO HER, moving its lips. He has the
voice of a TEENAGE GUY - tentative, sweet. Softly:
(confused, but charmed)
That was... really nice.
Are you sure? I- I don't really
know what I'm doing.
Yeah, you were great. Hey, I've
gotta meet my friends... maybe I'll
see you after third period?
Oh. Yeah, okay.
Alison lowers her hand and smiles. Suddenly, her KNEES
speak up to her hand - the voices of his douchey TEEN GUY
FRIENDS. KNEE 1 has a CIGARETTE Dangling out of his mouth.
Uh... what the hell was that?
What are you talking about?
We saw you kissing Alison
What? No. I just- I was asking
her if I could borrow her brother's
We know what we saw. Dude, she's
in color guard.
The two knees laugh, disgusted/mocking. Hand is defensive.
Yeah, which is why I didn't kiss
Alison lifts her OTHER HAND to her face. It speaks with
voice of her BEST GUY FRIEND - also unpopular, shy, sweet.
Other Hand! Oh my god, I have
something to tell you.
I have something to tell you, too.
I know we're best friends, but I've
started to feel something-
HAND AND I TOTALLY JUST KISSED! I
like him SO MUCH.
Oh. That's radical.
(staring at Kissing Hand)
Oh my G, he's looking at me. He is
Back at Alison's waist-level, Knees talk to Kissing Hand.
She's staring right at you, bro.
Shut up, jackwad. Let's just ditch
seventh period and grind that rail
behind the Fuddrucker's like we
Alison's ELBOW speaks up, with a MIDDLE-AGED MAN VOICE.
You boys think I can't hear you?
KISSING HAND & KNEES
Sorry, Myr. Elbow.
Mr. Elbow's such a dick.
I have ears, you know!
Alison's BIG TOE speaks up, a BITCHY CHEERLEADER.
Hey, Hand. I saw you get in
trouble. You wanna make out?
Yeah right, he's already got a
KNEES 1 & 2
Ugh, I TOLD YOU, I'd never touch
that pimple-nosed fatty freak!
Cut to Alison, who's OVERHEARD THIS. She gasps, hurt.
No, wait! Alison! I- I didn't-
Alison stuffs Kissing Hand in her pocket (he continues his
pleading, now MUFFLED), and starts CRYING. She lifts up
OTHER HAND to her tear-stained face.
Come on. Allie- Alison, look at
me. You're beautiful, okay?
(she keeps crying)
Anyone who doesn't see what I see
is an idiot.
(noticing a TEAR on her cheek)
Here... let me get that.
Alison wipes her tear away with her best friend hand, then
moves it towards her lips. They're about to KISS, when
suddenly Alison's KISSING HAND is lifted up to the other
side of her face.
Alison turns to look at her kissing hand.
She doesn't want to talk to you,
Alison, look. I messed up, okay.
I just- I like you, I do.
UGH! Bro, are you serious?
Gross. I'm gonna go fuck armpit.
Don't listen to him. He's just
gonna hurt you, it's what he does.
Alison looks back and forth between her hands.
Thanks Hand, but I should be with a
hand that treats me like I deserve
to be treated. And that hand... is
Alison kisses Other Hand. Kissing Hand pushes Other Hand
Get your hands off my girl!
You heard what she said! She's not
KNEES 1 & 2
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
CUT TO WIDE TO ACTUAL REALITY.
Alison is doing GRUFF MALE NONSENSE VOICES, shaking her
hands, knees and toes at each other as she talks. her LEFT
KNEE has a CIGARETTE taped to it. It's pathetic.
(shaking left hand)
(shaking right hand)
She SMACKS HER HANDS TOGETHER limply in front of her face.
Guys, don't fight!
CUT TO DOORWAY, where Alison's MIDDLE-AGED PARENTS stand
watching her, sad, her father's arm around her mother. Her
father shakes his head and closes the door as they slowly,
sadly walk away.