To all those single on Valentine's Day: love yourself, but carefully.
Practice Kissing Hand Fail
By
Sarah Schneider & Dan Gurewitch
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE (NIGHT)
High-schooler ALISON sits with her friends CLAIRE and MOLLY
at a sleepover, all in PJs, giggling and gossiping. They're
unpopular girls.
ALISON
But like, what if he wants to make
out after the dance? I've never
kissed a boy before.
CLAIRE
Duh, practice on your hand!
MOLLY
That's how I learned.
They giggle. Alison nods, thinking about this.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ALISON'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT NIGHT
Alison is alone. She checks in the hallway to make sure no
one's around. After a moment of consideration, she takes a
deep breath, lifts up the back of her hand, and briefly,
TENDERLY MAKES OUT WITH IT.
She pulls her hand away. Suddenly, a LITTLE MOUTH on the
back of her hand SPEAKS TO HER, moving its lips. He has the
voice of a TEENAGE GUY - tentative, sweet. Softly:
KISSING HAND
Hey.
ALISON
(confused, but charmed)
Hey.
KISSING HAND
That was... really nice.
ALISON
Are you sure? I- I don't really
know what I'm doing.
KISSING HAND
(laughing comfortingly)
Yeah, you were great. Hey, I've
gotta meet my friends... maybe I'll
see you after third period?
ALISON
Oh. Yeah, okay.
Alison lowers her hand and smiles. Suddenly, her KNEES
speak up to her hand - the voices of his douchey TEEN GUY
FRIENDS. KNEE 1 has a CIGARETTE Dangling out of his mouth.
KNEE 1
Uh... what the hell was that?
KISSING HAND
What are you talking about?
KNEE 2
We saw you kissing Alison
McCloskey.
KISSING HAND
(awkward)
What? No. I just- I was asking
her if I could borrow her brother's
skateboard.
KNEE 1
We know what we saw. Dude, she's
in color guard.
The two knees laugh, disgusted/mocking. Hand is defensive.
KISSING HAND
Yeah, which is why I didn't kiss
her, buttheads.
Alison lifts her OTHER HAND to her face. It speaks with
voice of her BEST GUY FRIEND - also unpopular, shy, sweet.
ALISON
Other Hand! Oh my god, I have
something to tell you.
OTHER HAND
I have something to tell you, too.
I know we're best friends, but I've
started to feel something-
ALISON
HAND AND I TOTALLY JUST KISSED! I
like him SO MUCH.
OTHER HAND
(crestfallen)
Oh. That's radical.
ALISON
(staring at Kissing Hand)
Oh my G, he's looking at me. He is
SO. CUTE.
Back at Alison's waist-level, Knees talk to Kissing Hand.
KNEE 1
She's staring right at you, bro.
KISSING HAND
Shut up, jackwad. Let's just ditch
seventh period and grind that rail
behind the Fuddrucker's like we
always do.
Alison's ELBOW speaks up, with a MIDDLE-AGED MAN VOICE.
ELBOW
You boys think I can't hear you?
KISSING HAND & KNEES
(sing-song)
Sorry, Myr. Elbow.
KNEE 2
Mr. Elbow's such a dick.
ELBOW (O.S.)
I have ears, you know!
Alison's BIG TOE speaks up, a BITCHY CHEERLEADER.
BIG TOE
Hey, Hand. I saw you get in
trouble. You wanna make out?
KNEE 1
Yeah right, he's already got a
girlfriend.
KNEES 1 & 2
(mocking)
Alison McCloskey!
KISSING HAND
Ugh, I TOLD YOU, I'd never touch
that pimple-nosed fatty freak!
Cut to Alison, who's OVERHEARD THIS. She gasps, hurt.
KISSING HAND
No, wait! Alison! I- I didn't-
Alison stuffs Kissing Hand in her pocket (he continues his
pleading, now MUFFLED), and starts CRYING. She lifts up
OTHER HAND to her tear-stained face.
OTHER HAND
Come on. Allie- Alison, look at
me. You're beautiful, okay?
(she keeps crying)
Anyone who doesn't see what I see
is an idiot.
(noticing a TEAR on her cheek)
Here... let me get that.
Alison wipes her tear away with her best friend hand, then
moves it towards her lips. They're about to KISS, when
suddenly Alison's KISSING HAND is lifted up to the other
side of her face.
KISSING HAND
Alison?
Alison turns to look at her kissing hand.
OTHER HAND
She doesn't want to talk to you,
Hand.
KISSING HAND
Alison, look. I messed up, okay.
I just- I like you, I do.
KNEE 1
UGH! Bro, are you serious?
BIG TOE
(to herself)
Gross. I'm gonna go fuck armpit.
OTHER HAND
Don't listen to him. He's just
gonna hurt you, it's what he does.
Alison looks back and forth between her hands.
ALISON
Thanks Hand, but I should be with a
hand that treats me like I deserve
to be treated. And that hand... is
Other Hand.
Alison kisses Other Hand. Kissing Hand pushes Other Hand
away.
KISSING HAND
Get your hands off my girl!
OTHER HAND
You heard what she said! She's not
your girl!
KNEES 1 & 2
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
CUT TO WIDE TO ACTUAL REALITY.
Alison is doing GRUFF MALE NONSENSE VOICES, shaking her
hands, knees and toes at each other as she talks. her LEFT
KNEE has a CIGARETTE taped to it. It's pathetic.
ALISON
(shaking left hand)
Mnuh-nuh-numanumanuh!
(shaking right hand)
NUMA-numa-NUMNUMNUM!
She SMACKS HER HANDS TOGETHER limply in front of her face.
ALISON
Guys, don't fight!
CUT TO DOORWAY, where Alison's MIDDLE-AGED PARENTS stand
watching her, sad, her father's arm around her mother. Her
father shakes his head and closes the door as they slowly,
sadly walk away.
END.
| cast | |
| Alison | Emily Axford |
| Claire | Allison Rich |
| Molly | Aizzah Fatima |
| Mother | Elise Rovinsky |
| Father | Tom Shewchuk |
| Kissing Hand | Josh Ruben |
| Other Hand | David Kerns |
| Mr. Elbow | Gilbert Gottfried |
| Knee 1 | Pat Cassels |
| Knee 2 | David Young |
| Big Toe | Jocelyn DeBoer |
| crew | |
| Director | Vincent Peone |
| Producer | Steve Cozzarelli |
| Editor | Nick Barbieri |
| Director of Photography | Vincent Peone |
| President of Original Content | Sam Reich |
| Executive Producer | Spencer Griffin |
| Director of Post Production | Michael Schaubach |
| Production Manager | Sam Sparks |
| Assistant Production Manager | Jeremy Reitz |
| Post Production Producer | Lacy Wittman |
| Production Design | Andy Myers |
| Hair and Makeup | Michelle DeWyngaert |
| Production Coordinator | Lisa Hall |
| Sound Mixer | Harris Karlin |
| Kurt Seery | |
| Visual Effects | Gloo Studios |
| 1st Assistant Camera | Brendan Banks |
| 2nd Assistant Camera | Kali Riley |
| Grip and Electric | Sam Jones |
| Gaffer | Jason Beasley |
| Best Boy Grip | Kyle Struve |
| Assistant Editor | Phil Fox |
| Post Production Coordinator | Amanda Madden |
| Composer | Dylan Charbeneau |
| Production Accountant | Christine Rodriguez |
| Assistant Production Accountant | Daniel Siegel |
| Erin Marshall | |
| Production Assistant | Justen Van Dyke |
| Will Buikema | |
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