Can Twilight save America?
By Jenny Jaffe
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Obama stands at the end of the hall where he delivered the
speech when he killed Bin Laden.
My fellow Americans. These past few
years represent a challenging time
for America's economy. We have
faced massive unemployment,
trillions of dollars in debt, and a
stock market on the brink of
collapse. And yet amidst the
bleakest financial landscape in
recent history, there has one
enduring beacon of hope. The Young
Adult Novel. Although millions of
Americans have lost their jobs and
homes, Harry Potter and the Deathly
Hallows still grossed over a
billion dollars. The Hunger Games
books have sold (X) million copies.
Maudlin books about pasty teens
pining after each other seem to be
the only thing making money
He walks over to an easel, on which is a chart of "What the
Average American Made in 2011", represented as a small bar
This is what the average American
made in the past year.
He pulls out another chart. It features the same small bar
graph, this time next to a bar that smashes through the top
of the chart. It reads, "What Stephanie Meyers Made on
And this is what Stephanie Meyers,
author of the Twilight series, made
yesterday on merchandise sales
alone. That's more than the current
GDP of Greece.
If we could replicate the success
of these books a few million times
over, we could bring America out of
the recession once and for all.
Which is why after extensive
discussions with my financial
advisors and my teenage daughters,
I am pleased to present to you the
Young Adult Novel Economic
The words "Young Adult Novel Economic Solution" appear
onscreen as the Lower Third.
As of next week, every American
between the ages of 18 and 65 are
required to begin writing their
very own Young Adult novel. It can
be about anything you want. It
could be about:
As he lists off the ideas, they appear next to him on
Pixies. Cheerleaders with tails.
Boys with an edge who just want to
be loved and who are also half
elf. Or has there been a zombie
love story yet? That could be
And I promise that the government
will do its part to help you as
best we can to craft a story that's
simple, yet complex enough to
warrant sequels. For instance, we
are holding a summit in Washington
next month where the top Young
Adult writers in the country will
be brainstorming heroic but
non-threatening Greco-Roman male
names, and we've set up online
"synonymsforhazel.gov" appears in the lower third.
In addition, we will be sending out
a Young Adult Novel Starter Kit to
every home in America.
He pulls out a box marked "Government-Issued Young Adult
Novel Starter Kit".
Inside, you will find all of the
resources necessary to write your
very own bestselling Young Adult
Novel, like a list of acceptable
ways to build sexual tension
between characters who can't touch,
and a wheel for choosing blandly
likeable actresses to star in the
He pulls out a tiny wheel and spins it. It lands on a space
that says "That Girl From Vampire Diaries".
Then you just mail back the
manuscript, and a team of former
CIA turned graphic designers will
design an enticing cover, like this
He pulls out a book called "Fairy High School", which
features a girl with wings and a wolf turned dramatically
away from each other and the tag line "What would you do if
you couldn't be with the werewolf you loved?"
As long as every American citizen
does their civic duty by creating
simmering but not overwhelming
sexual tension between mythological
creatures, there is no way this
plan can fail. Plus, the
opportunity for spin-offs, movie
franchises, and merchandising
ensures our future financial
security, as well as a continuing
supply of ideas for Halloween
Now I'd like to leave you with a
passage from my own young adult
novel, President Wizard.
"Oh boy," said Barry excitedly. "I
always knew I was a wizard, but now
you're telling me I'm a President,
too?" Hoofkins nodded his giant
giraffe head. "And now you must go
to the President academy, where all
young Wizard Presidents learn the
magic of politics and friendship."
He closes the book.
Zac Efron has already signed on to
play the giraffe. He's looking to
make a comeback.