Obama's Young Adult Novel Plan

By

Jenny Jaffe

          INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

          Obama stands at the end of the hall where he delivered the
          speech when he killed Bin Laden.

                              OBAMA
                    My fellow Americans. These past few
                    years represent a challenging time
                    for America's economy. We have
                    faced massive unemployment,
                    trillions of dollars in debt, and a
                    stock market on the brink of
                    collapse. And yet amidst the
                    bleakest financial landscape in
                    recent history, there has one
                    enduring beacon of hope. The Young
                    Adult Novel. Although millions of
                    Americans have lost their jobs and
                    homes, Harry Potter and the Deathly
                    Hallows still grossed over a
                    billion dollars. The Hunger Games
                    books have sold (X) million copies.
                    Maudlin books about pasty teens
                    pining after each other seem to be
                    the only thing making money
                    anymore.

          He walks over to an easel, on which is a chart of "What the
          Average American Made in 2011", represented as a small bar
          graph.

                              OBAMA
                    This is what the average American
                    made in the past year.

          He pulls out another chart.  It features the same small bar
          graph, this time next to a bar that smashes through the top
          of the chart.  It reads, "What Stephanie Meyers Made on
          Tuesday".

                              OBAMA
                    And this is what Stephanie Meyers,
                    author of the Twilight series, made
                    yesterday on merchandise sales
                    alone. That's more than the current
                    GDP of Greece.
                    If we could replicate the success
                    of these books a few million times
                    over, we could bring America out of
                    the recession once and for all.
                    Which is why after extensive
                    discussions with my financial
                    advisors and my teenage daughters,
                    I am pleased to present to you the
                    Young Adult Novel Economic
                    Solution.

          The words "Young Adult Novel Economic Solution" appear
          onscreen as the Lower Third.

                              OBAMA
                    As of next week, every American
                    between the ages of 18 and 65 are
                    required to begin writing their
                    very own Young Adult novel. It can
                    be about anything you want.  It
                    could be about:

          As he lists off the ideas, they appear next to him on
          screen.

                              OBAMA
                    Pixies.  Cheerleaders with tails. 
                    Boys with an edge who just want to
                    be loved and who are also half
                    elf.  Or has there been a zombie
                    love story yet?  That could be
                    cool.
                    And I promise that the government
                    will do its part to help you as
                    best we can to craft a story that's
                    simple, yet complex enough to
                    warrant sequels. For instance, we
                    are holding a summit in Washington
                    next month where the top Young
                    Adult writers in the country will
                    be brainstorming heroic but
                    non-threatening Greco-Roman male
                    names, and we've set up online
                    resources like
                    synonymsforhazel.gov.

          "synonymsforhazel.gov" appears in the lower third.

                              OBAMA
                    In addition, we will be sending out
                    a Young Adult Novel Starter Kit to
                    every home in America.

          He pulls out a box marked "Government-Issued Young Adult
          Novel Starter Kit".

                              OBAMA
                    Inside, you will find all of the
                    resources necessary to write your
                    very own bestselling Young Adult
                    Novel, like a list of acceptable
                    ways to build sexual tension
                    between characters who can't touch,
                    and a wheel for choosing blandly
                    likeable actresses to star in the
                    film adaptation.

          He pulls out a tiny wheel and spins it. It lands on a space
          that says "That Girl From Vampire Diaries".

                              OBAMA
                    Then you just mail back the
                    manuscript, and a team of former
                    CIA turned graphic designers will
                    design an enticing cover, like this
                    one.

          He pulls out a book called "Fairy High School", which
          features a girl with wings and a wolf turned dramatically
          away from each other and the tag line "What would you do if
          you couldn't be with the werewolf you loved?"

                              OBAMA
                    As long as every American citizen
                    does their civic duty by creating
                    simmering but not overwhelming
                    sexual tension between mythological
                    creatures, there is no way this
                    plan can fail. Plus, the
                    opportunity for spin-offs, movie
                    franchises, and merchandising
                    ensures our future financial
                    security, as well as a continuing
                    supply of ideas for Halloween
                    costumes.
                    Now I'd like to leave you with a
                    passage from my own young adult
                    novel, President Wizard.
                         ((clears throat))
                    "Oh boy," said Barry excitedly. "I
                    always knew I was a wizard, but now
                    you're telling me I'm a President,
                    too?" Hoofkins nodded his giant
                    giraffe head. "And now you must go
                    to the President academy, where all
                    young Wizard Presidents learn the
                    magic of politics and friendship."

          He closes the book.

                              OBAMA
                    Zac Efron has already signed on to
                    play the giraffe.  He's looking to
                    make a comeback. 

          END.