If you can't beat 'em, deny they ever existed in the first place.
By Dan Gurewitch & David Young
TEXT: The following is a message from the United States Postal Service. INT. POST OFFICE - DAY A POSTAL SERVICE REP stands and addresses camera, smiling. POSTAL SERVICE REP Electronic mail. "E-mail." It gained popularity in the early 90s and showed a lot of promise. But now, we can all agree that it just doesn't work, and the Post Office is here to stay. NOTE: All following actors are relatively young (20s, 30s). A MAN stands on the STREET. MAN 1 I used to think that e-mail would change the way I communicate. (shrugs) It didn't. A WOMAN is about to get into her car. WOMAN 1 I remember being so excited. I got my own computer, I signed up for an e-mail address... and then I was like, "Now what?" Things just didn't happen. MAN 2 sits at his desk, with a computer. MAN 2 We were told it was going to become more efficient and convenient, but look at this thing- (becoming FRAZZLED, throwing his hands up) I don't- I don't know. Do you? The Mac "Whoosh" (successful sent e-mail) sound is heard, over Man 2's continuing confusion. Back to Postal Service Rep in the Post Office. POSTAL SERVICE REP Remember when it came out that over 86% of e-mails don't make it to their destination? Not a single piece of regular mail has ever been lost. MAN 3 and WOMAN 2 POWER-WALK TOGETHER, addressing camera. MAN 3 I read an e-mail once. Didn't care for it. WOMAN 2 Yeah. I remember thinking, if e-mail's so great, why do I need a computer to use it? A MECHANIC at work puts down his wrench, wipes off his hands. He LAUGHS, reminiscing: MECHANIC Oh yeah, yeah I created the first e-mail system, back in the late 70s. Thing was a nightmare, what ever happened to that? Back to the Postal Service Rep with OTHER POSTAL WORKERS. POSTAL SERVICE REP Can you believe there was a time when we were concerned that e-mail would threaten our jobs? All the postal workers share a JOYFUL LAUGH at this memory. MAN 3 sits at a computer. His inbox: 100s OF BOLD E-MAILS. MAN 4 Look at all these unread e-mails from the power company. I'm over a year late on my bills 'cause I can't figure out how to open the damn things. WOMAN 2 stands in an office. WOMAN 3 Segways. Virtual Boy. Crystal Pepsi. Zach Braff. E-mail. They all seemed like good ideas at the time, but... yeesh. MAN 1 Ugh. WOMAN 1 Yikes. MAN 2 No thanks. MAN 3 [PROJECTILE VOMITS LOUD AND HARD] Back to the Post Office Rep. POSTAL SERVICE REP Scientists, programmers - we salute you. It was a nice try, but the future definitely belongs to the United States Postal Service. Over this, the POSTAL SERVICE LOGO fills the screen. CUT TO a product shot of a STAMP WITH A SKIN-COLORED BLUR (IT'S CENSORED). POSTAL SERVICE REP (V.O.) (very quickly) Also we now have Scarlett Johansson's Pussy-flavored stamps. END.