The Post Office Is Getting Desperate

By

Dan Gurewitch & David Young

          TEXT: The following is a message from the United States
          Postal Service.

          INT. POST OFFICE - DAY

          A POSTAL SERVICE REP stands and addresses camera, smiling.

                              POSTAL SERVICE REP
                    Electronic mail. "E-mail." It
                    gained popularity in the early 90s
                    and showed a lot of promise. But
                    now, we can all agree that it just
                    doesn't work, and the Post Office
                    is here to stay.

          NOTE: All following actors are relatively young (20s, 30s).

          A MAN stands on the STREET.

                              MAN 1
                    I used to think that e-mail would
                    change the way I communicate.
                         (shrugs)
                    It didn't.

          A WOMAN is about to get into her car.

                              WOMAN 1
                    I remember being so excited. I got
                    my own computer, I signed up for an
                    e-mail address... and then I was
                    like, "Now what?" Things just
                    didn't happen.

          MAN 2 sits at his desk, with a computer.

                              MAN 2
                    We were told it was going to become
                    more efficient and convenient, but
                    look at this thing-
                         (becoming FRAZZLED, throwing
                         his hands up)
                    I don't- I don't know. Do you?

          The Mac "Whoosh" (successful sent e-mail) sound is heard,
          over Man 2's continuing confusion.

          Back to Postal Service Rep in the Post Office.

                              POSTAL SERVICE REP
                    Remember when it came out that over
                    86% of e-mails don't make it to
                    their destination? Not a single
                    piece of regular mail has ever been
                    lost.

          MAN 3 and WOMAN 2 POWER-WALK TOGETHER, addressing camera.

                              MAN 3
                    I read an e-mail once. Didn't care
                    for it.

                              WOMAN 2
                    Yeah. I remember thinking, if
                    e-mail's so great, why do I need a
                    computer to use it?

          A MECHANIC at work puts down his wrench, wipes off his
          hands. He LAUGHS, reminiscing:

                              MECHANIC
                    Oh yeah, yeah I created the first
                    e-mail system, back in the late
                    70s. Thing was a nightmare, what
                    ever happened to that?

          Back to the Postal Service Rep with OTHER POSTAL WORKERS.

                              POSTAL SERVICE REP
                    Can you believe there was a time
                    when we were concerned that e-mail
                    would threaten our jobs?

          All the postal workers share a JOYFUL LAUGH at this memory.

          MAN 3 sits at a computer. His inbox: 100s OF BOLD E-MAILS.

                              MAN 4
                    Look at all these unread e-mails
                    from the power company. I'm over a
                    year late on my bills 'cause I
                    can't figure out how to open the
                    damn things.

          WOMAN 2 stands in an office.

                              WOMAN 3
                    Segways. Virtual Boy. Crystal
                    Pepsi. Zach Braff. E-mail. They all
                    seemed like good ideas at the time,
                    but... yeesh.

                              MAN 1
                    Ugh.

                              WOMAN 1
                    Yikes.

                              MAN 2
                    No thanks.

                              MAN 3
                    [PROJECTILE VOMITS LOUD AND HARD]

          Back to the Post Office Rep.

                              POSTAL SERVICE REP
                    Scientists, programmers - we salute
                    you. It was a nice try, but the
                    future definitely belongs to the
                    United States Postal Service.

          Over this, the POSTAL SERVICE LOGO fills the screen.

          CUT TO a product shot of a STAMP WITH A SKIN-COLORED BLUR
          (IT'S CENSORED).

                              POSTAL SERVICE REP (V.O.)
                         (very quickly)
                    Also we now have Scarlett
                    Johansson's Pussy-flavored stamps.

          END.