By Jenny Jaffe & Ben Joseph
INT. BRONIES APARTMENT CU on two MY LITTLE PONY TOYS, PINKIE PIE and TWILIGHT SPARKLE, new in their package. They are being carried into an apartment. PINKIE PIE Oh, wow! This must be our new home! TWILIGHT SPARKLE I can't wait to get played with by some beautiful little girl! She'll brush our hair and we'll have tea parties and-- BRONY (OC) (in a deep man voice) My little pony, my little pony... Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle look at each other in shock. PINKIE PIE Oh no... PINKIE PIE/TWILIGHT SPARKLE (filled with fear) Brony!!! POV of the ponies as a scary, hairy, fat hand reaches in and takes them out and puts them on the table. TWILIGHT SPARKLE We didn't get a little girl at all! We got an emotionally stunted grown man! PINKIE PIE What does he want with us? We're meant for eight year old girls! BRONY (on phone) Yeah... just picked up Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle to add to the collection. PINKIE PIE The collection?? They look up at a couple shelves full of traumatized looking MY LITTLE PONIES. TRAUMATIZED MY LITTLE PONIES (whispered) Runnn!!! BRONY (still on phone) ...and I know just where I'm gonna put them. Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie look at eachother, frightened. PINKIE PIE Put me anywhere, just not next to the fleshlight! Cut to: a WILTING FLESHLIGHT next to one of the My Little Ponies on the shelf. It deflates a little, audibly. BRONY (still on phone) Brohoof! I'm out. Brony hangs up phone and approaches Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie. He reaches out and pets Pinkie Pie who recoils and let's out a disgusted noise. He picks up a brush and starts to pet Twilight Sparkle. TWILIGHT SPARKLE Oh no. Oh no. Ew. EW! He's getting cheetoh dust in my mane! PINKIE PIE He smells like Bawls Energy drink! Brony starts to pick up Twilight Sparkle. TWILIGHT SPARKLE Whoaaaa! BRONY (holding her to his face) You're going to be my best friend! We're going to run quests and skype with my internet girlfriend in Korea and listen to Skrillex and... Brony trails off in the background. TWILIGHT SPARKLE (to Pinkie Pie, a little panicked) Okay, I was really hoping he was being ironic, but I think he's actually being sincere! Pinkie Pie tries to slink away. BRONY And don't think I've forgotten about you, Pinkie Pie. The Brony pets Pinkie Pie, giggling to himself occassionally. PINKIE PIE (fearful) Can pony toys get violated? BRONY (reverently) In episode seven, you won thirty-five consecutive games of tic-tac-toe against Rarity! CUT TO: Rarity on shelf, half her face worn away. RARITY (in a broken voice) My face is worn down from him kissing me. CUT BACK to Pinkie Pie, whimpering in fear as the Brony pets her and Twilight Sparkle is struggling in his other hand. BRONY (to Pinkie Pie) ...and that's why you're my favorite pony. TWILIGHT SPARKLE I wish I could appreciate that he's not afraid to challenge gender stereotypes, but I'm too distracted by the erotic fan fiction on his computer! CUT TO: computer screen with a story called "Applejack and the FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Dan Gurewitch" with an erotic drawing of a My Little Pony. A TV in the background switches from boring muted news to My Little Pony. The Brony does a girly scream, puts Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle down and turns up the tv volume. He sings along and does a dance in the background. TWILIGHT SPARKLE Okay, this is our chance! Let's make a run for it! Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie head for the door. PINKIE PIE (to the collection of My Little Ponies) We'll come back for you! The Brony crosses in front of the fleeing ponies, closes the door, and turns back to his collection. BRONY Now it's time to play with my favorite toy. Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie look at each other, scared. All the other My Little Ponies quiver with fear. BRONY The most magical friendship of all. The Brony reaches for the Fleshlight. Close-up on the wilting fleshlight. FLESHLIGHT (high pitched voice) Kill me! END.