March Movies are Terrible

By

Jenny Jaffe

          INT. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SET

          Entertainment Tonight BUMPER MUSIC plays.

          MARK and NANCY, the hosts of Entertainment Tonight, address
          the camera.

                              MARK
                    I'm Mark Steines--

                              NANCY
                    And I'm Nancy O'Dell--

                              MARK
                    And this is Entertainment Tonight. 

          OTS: An ACADEMY AWARD WINNER (from the previous night's
          Oscars) holding their award.

                              NANCY
                    The Academy Awards took place last
                    night, and while this marks the end
                    of awards season, it also signals
                    the beginning of Mediocre Movie
                    Season.

          OTS: A calendar of late February to early April

                              MARK
                    That's right, Nancy, it's that
                    magical time of year when studios
                    dump the projects that they're just
                    not all that jazzed about, and this
                    year, the competition is fierce for
                    which movie will do the most okay
                    at the box office. 

                              NANCY
                    Here's a sneak peek at some of
                    the... exciting?

          She looks to Mark.  He shrugs.

                              NANCY
                    ...exciting movies coming to
                    theaters soon. 

          OTS: The poster for a romantic comedy, "Unlucky in Love",
          starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Jackman.

                              NANCY
                    Julia Roberts stars opposite Hugh
                    Jackman in the romantic comedy
                    Unlucky in Love, a movie which
                    insiders tell us will be "fine to
                    watch on Netflix streaming".  

          OTS: A poster for a lame sci-fi movie called "Primary".

                              MARK
                    For those of you sci-fi fans out
                    there, you'll be kept vaguely sated
                    until summer by Jude Law in
                    Primary, a movie set in the future
                    but not too far in the future. 
                    Says director Joel Schumacher,
                    "They still drive, like, normal
                    cars, you know?"

          OTS: A poster for "Starting Over" which is just Owen Wilson
          staring off into space, looking hapless.

                              NANCY
                    Owen Wilson's latest dramedy,
                    Starting Over, just made its
                    in-flight movie premiere- we caught
                    up with some fans at Chicago's
                    O'Hare airport.

          INT. AIRPORT

          An interview with a tired-looking PASSENGER 1 who just got
          off the flight.

                              PASSENGER 1
                    I fell asleep for like fifteen
                    minutes in the middle but I could
                    basically follow the plot.

          CUT TO:

          An interview with PASSENGER 2.

                              PASSENGER 2
                    Oh, I didn't watch, I just played
                    Fruit Ninja on my iPad instead.

          INT. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SET

                              NANCY
                         (Cheerily)
                    I sure can wait to see that!

                              MARK
                    But if late-in-life coming-of-age
                    stories aren't your thing, then
                    maybe you'll be interested in some
                    of the most pretty good action
                    flicks Mediocre Movie Season has to
                    offer.

          OTS: The poster for "No Turning Back", starring Ryan
          Reynolds.

                              MARK
                    Ryan Reynolds stars in the bank
                    heist thriller No Turning Back,

          OTS: The poster for "Getaway", starring Bradley Cooper,
          which is almost identical to "No Turning Back".

                              MARK
                    While Bradley Cooper stars in the
                    bank heist thriller Getaway,

          OTS: The poster for "The Steal", starring Mark Ruffalo,
          which is almost identical to "Getaway".

                              MARK
                    And Mark Ruffalo stars in the bank
                    heist thriller The Steal.  In an
                    interview, we sat down with Ruffalo
                    to ask him about the project.

          CUT TO:

          INT. INTERVIEW ROOM

          An Entertainment Tonight-style interview with MARK RUFFALO.

                              MARK RUFFALO
                    I think that people are really
                    going to love The Avengers, not
                    just for its action but for its
                    comedy and heart.

                              INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
                    And what about The Steal?

                              MARK RUFFALO
                    Oh yeah, I completely forgot I was
                    in that.

          CUT BACK TO:

          INT. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT SET

                              MARK
                    All that and more later in the
                    show. 

          OTS: The poster for "The Camping Trip".

                              NANCY
                    But first, new details on The
                    Camping Trip, a buddy comedy
                    starring Justin Long, Jesse
                    Eisenberg, and Kristen Bell.  In a
                    press release, the studio tells
                    Entertainment Tonight that it is
                    NOT produced by Judd Apatow, even
                    though it kind of feels like it
                    should be. 

                              MARK
                    Now it's time to take a look at our
                    EntertainmentTonight.com poll.  We
                    asked you "Which movie are you the
                    most excited to just sort of end up
                    seeing?"

          POLL GRAPHIC comes up on screen, with the question, "Which
          movie are you the most excited to just sort of wind up
          seeing?" With the answers "Never Giving Up", "Making It
          Count", "Living Your Life" and "That Selena Gomez Movie". As
          Mark says the results, little bars with the percentages
          appear next to each movie title.

                              MARK
                    A whopping 25% of you said Never
                    Giving Up, while a whopping 25% of
                    you said, Making It Count, but a
                    whopping 25% of you said Living
                    Your Life, and finally, a whopping
                    25% of you said you were most
                    excited about That Selena Gomez
                    Movie. 

          Back to the studio.

                              NANCY
                    Coming up next, we've got a sneak
                    peek at the trailer for Gerard
                    Butler's annual turn at bat in a
                    film that made Roger Ebert say
                    "Meh".

          END.