JUSTIN, a scruffy looking work from home bachelor living by himself, is searching through his cabinets for something to eat. As he looks, he cracks a beer. The BEER BOTTLE begins to sing. As it sings, a chorus of CUP O’ NOODLES, RAMEN PACKETS and BLUE MACARONI AND CHEESE BOXES join along and dance in the background. Throughout the song, objects are singing along and dancing in the background.
BEER BOTTLE:
Be our guest
Be our guest
Eating solo is the best
Use the napkin you still have, cherie, from ordering Chinese
The refrigerator opens, revealing a disgusting spread.
TUPPERWARE LEFTOVERS: I am old
RESTAURANT LEFTOVERS: I am older
OLD T-­‐SHIRT:
You use me as a potholder
DIRTY BRITA WATER FILTER:
Try the grey stuff it’s delicious
(Motioning to nasty pile of gray wilting vegetables in the fridge) Don’t believe us? Ask the dishes
(Motioning to dirty dishes in the sink. DISHES: Fuck off!)
BEER BOTTLE:
Shake and bake,
Paper plates,
leaving time to masturbate
GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL:
You bought me cause you wanted to lose weiiiiiight
A can opener says “Seriously, bro, the fat drips right off” in a bro-­ey way as if to defend how healthy the George Foreman Grill is, in the background.
BEER BOTTLE:
(motioning to his shitty beach chair and lopsided futon, etc.)
Pull up a chair or bean bag On your lap a jizz rag

ALL:
Be our guest Be our guest Be our guest
BEER BOTTLE:
By yourself, all alone
It is hard to cook for one
Try some hot sauce and some mayonnaise in a stale hamburger bun
KETCHUP:
(sputtering ketchup everywhere with every word, singing from his open top, and making ketchup farting noises)
Please use me
Liberally
I count as both fruit and veggie
HOT SAUCE:
Everything tastes oh so yum
With no tastebuds on your tongue
Hot sauce sticks out his tongue, which has been burned by eating too much hot sauce.
ASH TRAY:
(In a trashy Elaine Stritch voice)
I tell jokes
I turn tricks
I’ve seen all these assholes d(bleep)s.
Ash Tray motions at the rest of the utensils, who mutter equally derogatory things at her.
DIRTY SPONGE:
(dumb kind of high but not nasal voice)
I smell cause I haven’t been changed in a whole year!
HALF EATEN COOKIE DOUGH: Don’t have to cook me fella It’s just salmonella
Freezer opens up on refrigerator and a bunch of old frozen ground beef packets come out and sing along.
ALL:
Be our guest
BEER BOTTLE:
You’re a mess, you haven’t even got dressed ALL:
Be our guest
Be our guest
Be our guest
This next part goes with the sad bridge in “Be Our Guest”.
BEER BOTTLE:
Life is so unnerving
When you’re constantly converting Your recipes and meals
To feed a single serving
CONDOMS:
(peeking out from drawer, singing like children)
Ahh those good old days when we were useful
MICROWAVE:
I think you left you spoon in, and it’s metal...
A loud explosion in the microwave and the tempo returns to bright and happy.
DUSTY UNOPENED SPICES (ROSEMARY, SAGE, THYME, BASIL) You bought us, for
pasta sauce
Now we’re all covered in dust
Thyme sneezes and spices go everywhere, falling onto an open drawer filled with takeout menus and leftover sauce packets. A soy sauce packet emerges, singing.
SOY SAUCE PACKETS:
You put me on everything even food that’s not asian.
Leftover chopsticks dance behind the soy sauce packets.
NASTY PIZZA SLICE: Eat me though
I am cold.
MOLDY BREAD
You can pick around
my mold.
SPOILED YELLOW MILK
I’m still good after my expiration date or so you’re told.
Spoiled Yellow Milk releases a gross bubble then Beer Bottle jumps in front of it. Cockroaches join in and dance in the background.
BEER BOTTLE:
Bacon grease
From last week
Uncooked hot dogs, what a treat!
CEREAL:
Cereal for every single meal!
BEER BOTTLE: We’ve got a lot to do Is it one plate or two? Just kidding
You’re
All alone
ALL:
Be our guest!
A chorus of all the aforementioned objects, including other bachelor specifics like a can openers, pizza boxes, toaster oven, pizza bagels, etc., hold the final note.