Very Mary-Kate: Jail

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. JAIL - DAY

          Bodyguard picks up a phone on his side of a glass divider.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate.

          We reveal Mary-Kate: crazy hair, jail getup.

                              MARY-KATE
                    SHHH.  Where you come from, son? 
                    We don't use real names around
                    here.  Allow me to introduce
                    myself: I am "candy ass white
                    girl."

                              BODYGUARD
                    This must be change of pace for
                    you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    A change of pace?  It's a makeover
                    of pace.  Pace got a pacelift. 

                              BODYGUARD
                    I paid your bail, but you're going
                    to stay here overnight.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Overnight.  Got it.
                         (beat)
                    We'll have to break me out.

                              BODYGUARD
                    No.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You're right.  We don't want to
                    rush our jailbreak plan.  It needs
                    to be subtle.  Unnoticeable.
                         (beat)
                    Ram your car-

                              BODYGUARD
                    No.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Let me finish!  Ram your car into
                    my jail cell.

                              BODYGUARD
                    NO.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Let me finish! 
                         (resigned)
                    I was finished.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Is there anything legal I can do
                    for you?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Can you get me a sponge?

                              BODYGUARD
                    A sponge?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, I made these girlfriends, and
                    they drew on me-

          Mary-Kate reveals a swastika tattoo on her bicep.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Ohhh no.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (slowly breaking down)
                    -and it won't wash off with toilet
                    paper, and it hurt, and it's a
                    tattoo.  I just want something to
                    bite down on next time.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's-

                              MARY-KATE
                    I know, I know.  It's an awful
                    place for a tattoo.  I don't wear
                    sleeveless things.  No one's gonna
                    see it!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Maybe that's for the best.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Why?  What does it mean?  I was
                    told it's anti-juice.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Anti-juice?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah.  I mean, juice is bad for
                    you, right?  It's full of sugar.  I
                    never thought about it, but I guess
                    I am anti-juice.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're not anti-juice.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I am!  I'm totally anti-juice!

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're not anti-juice the way this
                    tattoo is anti-juice.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You know how all juice says "not
                    from concentrate?"  Well,
                    apparently, all we need to do is
                    put all the juice back in
                    concentration ca-

          Abruptly, Mary-Kate's cell mate - Nicole - appears.

                              NICOLE
                         (to Mary-Kate)
                    WHO'S THIS?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Nicole, Bodyguard.  Bodyguard,
                    help.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Nice to meet you, Nicole.

                              NICOLE
                         (to Bodyguard)
                    I once fed a man to another man.

                              MARY-KATE
                    This apparently had a large impact
                    on her.

                              NICOLE
                         (to Mary-Kate)
                    I'll see you at home.

          Nicole leaves.

                              MARY-KATE
                    We're roommates.  We're working it
                    out.  I take up the top bunk, and
                    she takes up the crazy.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I'll come back for you in the
                    morning.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You know, normally when we do this
                    it's the middle of the night and
                    you're shirtless.

                              BODYGUARD
                    So...

                              MARY-KATE
                    It'll comfort me!

                              BODYGUARD
                    You can't be serious.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You asked if there was anything you
                    could do-

                              BODYGUARD
                    This is insane.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Please please please please please.

          He unbuttons his shirt and presses his chest against the
          glass.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                         (sigh)
                    Just what I needed.  Gross.

          A guard has been standing by.

                              GUARD
                    That's enough.

          The guard drags Mary-Kate away as Bodyguard buttons up.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Bodyguard, I'll never take you for
                    granted again!  Make sure I don't! 
                    Put it in my calendar!  A repeat
                    event!  A repeat eveeeeent!

          End.