Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. JAIL - DAY Bodyguard picks up a phone on his side of a glass divider. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate. We reveal Mary-Kate: crazy hair, jail getup. MARY-KATE SHHH. Where you come from, son? We don't use real names around here. Allow me to introduce myself: I am "candy ass white girl." BODYGUARD This must be change of pace for you. MARY-KATE A change of pace? It's a makeover of pace. Pace got a pacelift. BODYGUARD I paid your bail, but you're going to stay here overnight. MARY-KATE Overnight. Got it. (beat) We'll have to break me out. BODYGUARD No. MARY-KATE You're right. We don't want to rush our jailbreak plan. It needs to be subtle. Unnoticeable. (beat) Ram your car- BODYGUARD No. MARY-KATE Let me finish! Ram your car into my jail cell. BODYGUARD NO. MARY-KATE Let me finish! (resigned) I was finished. BODYGUARD Is there anything legal I can do for you? MARY-KATE Can you get me a sponge? BODYGUARD A sponge? MARY-KATE Yeah, I made these girlfriends, and they drew on me- Mary-Kate reveals a swastika tattoo on her bicep. BODYGUARD Ohhh no. MARY-KATE (slowly breaking down) -and it won't wash off with toilet paper, and it hurt, and it's a tattoo. I just want something to bite down on next time. BODYGUARD That's- MARY-KATE I know, I know. It's an awful place for a tattoo. I don't wear sleeveless things. No one's gonna see it! BODYGUARD Maybe that's for the best. MARY-KATE Why? What does it mean? I was told it's anti-juice. BODYGUARD Anti-juice? MARY-KATE Yeah. I mean, juice is bad for you, right? It's full of sugar. I never thought about it, but I guess I am anti-juice. BODYGUARD You're not anti-juice. MARY-KATE I am! I'm totally anti-juice! BODYGUARD You're not anti-juice the way this tattoo is anti-juice. MARY-KATE You know how all juice says "not from concentrate?" Well, apparently, all we need to do is put all the juice back in concentration ca- Abruptly, Mary-Kate's cell mate - Nicole - appears. NICOLE (to Mary-Kate) WHO'S THIS?! MARY-KATE Nicole, Bodyguard. Bodyguard, help. BODYGUARD Nice to meet you, Nicole. NICOLE (to Bodyguard) I once fed a man to another man. MARY-KATE This apparently had a large impact on her. NICOLE (to Mary-Kate) I'll see you at home. Nicole leaves. MARY-KATE We're roommates. We're working it out. I take up the top bunk, and she takes up the crazy. BODYGUARD I'll come back for you in the morning. MARY-KATE You know, normally when we do this it's the middle of the night and you're shirtless. BODYGUARD So... MARY-KATE It'll comfort me! BODYGUARD You can't be serious. MARY-KATE You asked if there was anything you could do- BODYGUARD This is insane. MARY-KATE Please please please please please. He unbuttons his shirt and presses his chest against the glass. MARY-KATE (CONT.) (sigh) Just what I needed. Gross. A guard has been standing by. GUARD That's enough. The guard drags Mary-Kate away as Bodyguard buttons up. MARY-KATE Bodyguard, I'll never take you for granted again! Make sure I don't! Put it in my calendar! A repeat event! A repeat eveeeeent! End.