From CH Staff on
When news of Olivia Munn's hacked phone hits the office, it's too appalling to ignore. Like, at all.
By David Young
INT. LUNCH TABLE - DAY STREETER and DAVID sit at the table, grubbin' and shit. STREETER What don't you understand? I'm not afraid of ghosts; I'm afraid of ghouls. PAT walks in, looking angry. He sits. PAT I can't believe it. You guys hear about Olivia Munn's phone being hacked? All of her personal photos were leaked online, including some really risqué stuff. DAVID Ugh, are you serious? What's with people these days? I mean, I get that they're celebrities, but they still deserve their privacy. Streeter pulls out his phone. As he talks, he types. STREETER Exactly! It's despicable. Like, where's the line? INSERT OF HIS PHONE: He types, "Olivia Munn Nude Photos." Streeter continues without looking up from his phone. STREETER Do celebrities not get the same protection we get? They're not animals in a zoo for god sakes. Streeter turns his phone and head sideways. He's looking at the photos. STREETER (softly, to himself) Oh, that's nice. DAVID I've been saying that for years! David pulls out his IPAD. As he talks, we see what he types: "Olivia Munn boobies pics." DAVID And our society just promotes this behavior. Someone needs to finally stand up and say enough is enough! With his two fingers, David enlarges an image on his IPad. And continues to enlarge it. DAVID It's just a slippery slope is all. (quietly to himself) Mmmmm, wow. I'd love to slip on those slopes. PAT (O.S.) And the hackers are only getting more sophisticated. REVEAL: Pat has set up his entire DESKTOP COMPUTER on the table. He intently looks at the screen. PAT You'd think these new phones would slow them down, but nope. Pat types: "Olivia Munn crotch shots." A list of links pop up, and Pat opens all of them in different tabs like a pro. PAT Like what can celebrities do to protect themselves from these monsters? (beat, then softly) That's a nice serpent socket. JOSH approaches, even more worked up then the guys. JOSH You guys talking about the Olivia Munn phone hack? He paces around the guys, stopping at each of their screens and looking at the photos. He never misses a beat. JOSH It's complete bull shit! (LOOKS AT PHOTO, SOFTLY) Sweet fairy pillows. I mean is nothing sacred!? (LOOKS AT PHOTO, SOFTLY) Hot fish mitten. In 5 years, I bet this is going to happen every day! (LOOKS AT PHOTO, SOFTLY) E-mail me that ASAP. I couldn't find it without the stars over her snow caps. (BEAT) I just want to do something to help! UGH! SAM, upset, approaches with a large stack of printed paper SAM And what can Olivia do? Pretty much nothing, because then she's the bad guy! It's just all so backwards! (to himself) And forwards. And on her hands and knees. Sam lays the pieces of paper out on the table. He begins taping them together. SAM I can't just stand by and watch our society crumble. We should start some type of petition. Everyone mumbles in agreement, but no one looks up from their phone/iPad/computer. REVEAL Sam is taping together a large printout of one of the Olivia Munn photos. EMILY (O.S.) Guys, enough! Emily's at her desk and throws off her headphones in a huff. EMILY You're all a bunch of hypocrites! You don't actually hate the photos; you just don't want to admit loving them. From my perspective, I think it's absolutely pathetic that-- PAT (noticing) Hey. What's on your computer? EMILY Oh, I'm looking at photos of Shaun White's dick. PAT UGH, Emily! (beat) You said you were going to send me those! The guys all agree with Pat and huddle around Emily's computer, just as interested in this. EVERYONE Is it big? / Are his pubes red? / Is there any other famous snowboarder? END