My So-Called Homeland

By

Patrick Cassels

          Images of THE WAR ON TERROR mix with whimsical shots of
          ANGELA CHASE, a moody teen. The music/tone are from the "My
          So-Called Life" opening, but with some dark shit in there.

          TITLE CARD: "MY SO-CALLED HOMELAND"

                              SAUL (V.O.)
                    Previously on "My So-Called
                    Homeland."

          INT. CIA BRIEFING ROOM

          SAUL, a gruff, bearded chief, addresses a room full of CIA
          AGENTS. Angela, in flannel, slumps behind a desk, bored.

                              SAUL
                    We have reports that Abu Nazir is
                    planning an attack on US soil...

          CONCERNED MURMURS from the other agents. Except Angela.

                              ANGELA (V.O.)
                         (narrating)
                    Is it possible to die of boredom?

          Angela sighs and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

          INT. CIA HALLWAY - LATER

          Angela hangs with agents RICKIE, in eyeliner and bright
          clothes, and RAYANNE. Angela is clasping a 3-ring binder to
          her chest (*she should do this often*).

                              RICKIE
                         (gossiping)
                    ...and he's like, "Please get my
                    family out of Iran!" And I'm like,
                    "Get my family out of my business!"

          As Angela laughs, a Jared Leto-like HUNK approaches.

                              HUNK
                         ("whatever")
                    You're Angela, right?

                              ANGELA
                         (super-nervous)
                    What? No! I mean yes!

                              HUNK
                    I'm Nick Brodie. I think you're in
                    my debriefing. I'm the dude who was
                    tortured by al-Queda for 8 years?

                              ANGELA
                    I remember. That was cool. I mean,
                    it sucked! I mean, for you! I
                    mean...

          Angela turns to Rayanne/Rickie and makes a "kill me now"
          face.

                              RICKIE
                         (to Brodie)
                    She means: "Nice to meet you."

          Angela tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

          INT. BRIEFING ROOM

          Angela stands in front of the room and reads a poem from a
          crumpled piece of notebook paper:

                              ANGELA
                    "The lunchroom drones one by one/We
                    eat the pizza, but they feed us
                    lies..."

                              SAUL
                    That's your intelligence report?

                              ANGELA
                    What about it?

                              ANGELA
                    You said we should be creative.

                              SAUL
                    I meant fabricate details.

                              ANGELA
                    Oh.

          Angela tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

          INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

          Angela, super shy, asks SOMEONE a question.

                              ANGELA
                    So, do you think Brodie likes me?

          REVEAL she's interrogating a bruised Iraqi POW.

                              POW
                    America will be punished!

                              ANGELA
                         (oblivious)
                    It's totally fine if he doesn't.
                         (to herself, sad)
                    I wouldn't.

                              POW
                    This is a land of liars and whores!

          Angela switches on a METAL BOX. BUZZING SFX. The POW
          SCREAMS.

                              POW
                    OKAY!!! IT'S LIKE PROBABLY NOTHING
                    BUT ABU NAZIR HEARD FROM TOM WALKER
                    WHO HEARD FROM TINO THAT BRODIE
                    TOTALLY LIKES YOU!!!

                              ANGELA
                    Like, likes me likes me?!?!

                              POW
                    F**K YOU!

          She turns the switch. More BUZZING/SCREAMS. Angela smiles:
          Brodie likes her! She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

          INT/EXT. BRODIE'S CAR - OUTSIDE BRODIE'S HOME - NIGHT

          Brodie tries to smooch Angela. She backs away, nervous.

                              BRODIE
                    What's wrong?

                              ANGELA
                    It's stupid. But I heard this rumor
                    that you're a -- ah it's so dumb!

                              BRODIE
                    A what?

                              ANGELA
                         (rolling her eyes)
                    A terrorist!

                              BRODIE
                    Aw, Angela, get real. I'm a Marine.
                    I just wanna serve my country and
                    get to second base with you...

          Angela relaxes and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
          Brodie goes in for another smooch.

                              BRODIE
                         (right before smooch)
                    ...and kill the vice president.

          INT. CIA BRIEFING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

                              SAUL
                    Someone in this room is a mole,
                    working for Abu Nazir...

          More CONCERNED MURMURS. BRODIE passes Angela a note:

          CLOSE ON NOTE: "CIA = COMPLETE IDIOTS AVERYWHERE!!!"

          Angela giggles and smiles at Brodie. RACK FOCUS to reveal
          some PRISSY CIA AGENTS exchanging appalled glances a few rows
          back. An OUT-OF-FOCUS Angela tucks a strand of hair behind
          her ear.

          INT. CIA BATHROOM

          Angela enters. A few agents smoke cigarettes. On the mirror,
          someone has written in lipstick: "ANGELA CHASE PUTS OUT FOR
          AL-QUEDA!!!" She storms out, tucking her hair behind her
          ear.

          INT. SAUL'S OFFICE - LATER

                              SAUL
                    Angela, are you dating a terrorist?

                              ANGELA
                         (beat; with a quivering lip)
                    I don't know, Saul!

                              SAUL
                    But he might be a terrorist?

                              ANGELA
                         (choking up; tucking hair)
                    No, I don't know if we're dating!
                    He said we're not but then when I
                    kissed David Estes he got all
                    moody!

          EXT. CAPITOL BUILDING

          CLOSE on Angela and Brodie, holding hands. It's a sweet/sad
          moment. 

                              ANGELA
                    So I guess it's over between us.
                         (soft chuckle)
                    Ugh, I sound like a Meg Ryan movie!

                              BRODIE
                    This is for you.

          Brodie hands Angela a cassette tape.

                              ANGELA
                    Your confession?

                              BRODIE
                    The Cranberries.

          They hug. Angela walks away. CAMERA stays on her.

                              ANGELA (V.O.)
                         (narration)
                    It's like R.E.M. says: "everybody
                    hurts, sometimes." But this time, I
                    wouldn't cry. I was gonna be okay.
                    And I think Brodie was, too.

          As she walks away  we REVEAL Brodie is wearing an EXPLOSIVE
          VEST. With the insane glint of eternity in his eyes, he
          marches into the Capitol Building.

          END.