Hardly Working: Name Droppers

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. WRITERS DESKS

          Note: The celebrity names in dashes are delivered as quick,
          arrogant asides, trying too hard to be nonchalant.

          DAN and EMILY are hanging around Dan's desk, drinking
          coffee, having a casual conversation. PAT enters.

                              EMILY
                         (to Dan)
                    I'm not saying you're making it up
                    or anything. I'm just skeptical

                              PAT
                    What's up, guys?

                              DAN
                    Pat, get this: Emily doesn't think
                    cartwheels are an actual thing.

                              EMILY
                    Like it's a flip but... what?
                    Sideways? That sounds made up!!!

                              PAT
                         (amused)
                    Oh, it's so crazy you mention that,
                    'caus I was totally just having a
                    salad with my good friend Bradley
                    and we -- Cooper -- started talking
                    about jumping jacks...

                              EMILY
                    Wow!

                              PAT
                    What? Oh, Bradley Cooper. Stupid. I
                    know him and junk. Bonkers, yeah.

                              EMILY
                    No, I meant the salad part. It's
                    crazy because me and Kate were
                    buying -- Hudson -- organic
                    vegetables and she was all like,
                    "Guys don't eat salad!" Ha ha.
                    Like, WHAT?

                              DAN
                    Oh, Emily! I almost forgot. You're
                    gonna love this: I was helping my
                    neighbor Tony move, and there was
                    SO MUCH COINAGE -- Hawk...

                              EMILY
                    Sorry! Pat, I just remembered.
                    You're gonna love this: I was
                    playing tennis with Andre, and he
                    wanted to reschedule -- The
                    Giant...

                              PAT
                         (interrupting)
                    Dan, you're gonna love this: I was
                    at James' wedding last week -- Van
                    -- and the -- Der -- DJ -- Beek --
                    was so bad.

                              EMILY
                    Pat, gonna louve this: So I'm
                    hardcore brunching with Justin,
                    Lance, Joey and JC, and we're
                    waiting for our table --
                    Timberlake--

                              PAT
                    Right.

                              EMILY
                    Bass.

                              PAT
                    Right.

                              EMILY
                    And Fatone.

                              PAT
                    Right.

                              EMILY
                    And Chasez.

                              PAT
                    Right.

                              EMILY
                    All four members of 'N Sync.

                              PAT
                    Cool.

                              EMILY
                    I guess? Stupid, really. "No
                    Strings Attached." Dumb. 11 million
                    albums sold. Whatever, but yes it's
                    bonkers that I know them, right?

                              PAT
                    Oh! Dan-

                              DAN
                    Yeah?

                              PAT
                    -iel Day Lewis and I were at
                    Spinning class last week...

                              DAN
                    Oh.

                              PAT
                    Wait, sorry to cut myself off, but
                    you guys will love this: me and
                    Taylor were hiking...

                              EMILY
                    Swift?

                              DAN
                    Lautner. But Taylor Swift was
                    there, too, yes. Also Taylor
                    Kitsch, Taylor Hicks, and Taylor
                    Jenkins.

                              EMILY
                    Taylor Jenkins.

                              DAN
                    My high school superintendent. Nice
                    guy.

                              EMILY
                         (contrary to previous line)
                    Yes I know him.

                              DAN
                    Interruption, but Emily, you I feel
                    especially need to hear this: So
                    I'm eating a bowl of Rice, and
                    there's this -- A Roni --

                              PAT
                    I was wearing these blue, and --
                    jeans...
                    

                              EMILY
                    I lost my number-2, and --
                    pencil...

                              DAN
                    I sometimes suffer from night, and
                    -- terrors...

                              EMILY
                    Bonkers!

          DAVID enters.

                              DAVID
                    Can you guys keep it down. Sam and
                    I are trying to have a meeting.

                              DAN
                    Sam?

                              DAVID
                    Uh, Reich.

          Dan, Pat and Emily burst into MOCK IMPRESSED JEERS.

                              DAN/DAVID/EMILY
                    Woah!/Mr. Fancy!/Excuuuuuse me!

          END.