The Hunger Games Game

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. TEENAGE GIRL'S BEDROOM -- CIRCA 1990

          A vintage ad for a teen girl board game. Sparkly, 
	  Cindy Lauper-ish MUSIC plays.

          Three giggling teenage girls (or 20s comics in costume),
          ROSA, ELAINE and ANDREE, sit cross-legged on a bed. Andree
          pulls out a pink box: The Hunger Games Game.

                              THEME SONG (V.O.)
                    Boys! And fighting to the death!
                    And Kissing!/The Hunger Game!

          The girls unfold the board. Its spaces are named after
          Hunger Games locations: Cornucopia, Training Center, etc.

                              FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    The Hunger Games is now a home
                    game! Slaughter your opponents,
                    survive at all costs, and find out
                    who-who-who's got a crush on you.

                              ELAINE
                         (to friends)
                    Just like Katniss Everdeen!

          Rosa rolls and moves her token (a colored mockingjay) to a
          sad, grey area labeled "THE REAPING."

                              ROSA
                    They're choosing Tributes to fight!
                         (sighs; in love)
                    I wonder if Peeta will be there.

                              ELAINE
                    Duh! Failure to attend is
                    punishable by public whipping.

                              ANDREE
                    Plus he's totally into you.

                              FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Collect clues about your secret
                    admirer, and how he's planning to
                    kill you.

          Andree picks up a game card and reads.

                              ANDREE
                    "Thrash has bludgeoned your
                    opponent to death with a rock."

                              ELAINE
                    Oh la la. Somebody likes you.

                              ANDREE
                    Shut up!

          Andree playfully whacks Elaine with a pillow.

          Rosa holds up a pink pad & arrow-shaped pen.

                              ROSA
                    Okay, does my secret crush have...
                    all his limbs?

          Andree and Elaine, bursting with excitement, nod.

                              ROSA
                         (crossing off names)
                    See ya' later, you, you, you, you
                    and you.

                              FEMALE ANNOUNCER
                    Get boy tips from Hunger Games
                    champ and broken alcoholic Haymitch
                    Abernathy.

          Andree presses the top of a plastic Haymitch head. He
          "vomits" out a card. Andree reads it.

                              ANDREE
                    "The fastest way to a boy's heart
                    is between the third and fourth
                    ribs, with a sharp arrow."

          Elaine spins a wheel with a Cornucopia on the handle. The
          wheel is filled with horrible injuries from the book: leg
          gash, wasp stings. It lands on BROWN URINE.

                              FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Guess wrong and spin the wheel...

                              ELAINE
                    I got brown urine from dehydration.

                              ROSA/ANDREE
                    So embarrassing!

                              FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Last long enough and become the
                    most wanted girl in Panem.

          A plastic pink phone RINGS.

                              ROSA
                    OMG, Gale's calling me!

          Rosa answers the phone. The others lean in to listen.

                              GALE (V.O.)
                         (pained)
                    Katniss, my family's starving!

                              ROSA
                         (to friends)
                    He knows my name!

          The girls scream, overjoyed.

          PRODUCT SHOT of The Hunger Games Game.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Love is a battlefield when you play
                    The Hunger Games Game.

                              ROSA/ANDREE/ELAINE
                         (to CAMERA)
                    May the odds be ever in your favor!

          The girls collapse onto the bed, laughing.

          CUT TO a SMALL GIRL covered in insane orange makeup.

                              FEMALE ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    And don't forget Cinna's Makeover
                    Boutique, available wherever bad
                    toys are sold.

          END.