Gym, tan, ruin the lives of your children.
By David Young
UPBEAT/INSPIRATIONAL/SIMPLE PIANO MUSIC plays over the
GOOGLE CHROME LOGO. A CURSOR clicks it and we're on the "Get
In the "Desired Login Name" box, someone types,
"dear.Snooki.Jr." then the cursor clicks on "Create my
The "Compose Mail" button is clicked. In the "To" box,
someone types, "Dear.Snooki.Jr@gmail.com"
We then MOVE DOWN to the body of the e-mail. Someone types:
"Dear Snooki Jr.
U arrived!!! Holla!!!"
After a beat, a PICTURE appears in the e-mail of a VERY
GUIDO-LOOKING DUDE (Jionni) wearing sunglasses holding a
baby. Underneath the photo, someone types:
"You were slippery as fuck LOL. How hot does daddy look?!"
The cursor clicks SEND.
In the Subject line of an e-mail, someone types, "Happy
A VIDEO appears in the e-mail of a crying baby sitting on a
leopard-skin bed. The baby has bronze skin and is decked-out
in Guido clothes.
Beneath the e-mail, it reads:
"You smelled like shit on your bday. Stinky ass diaper haha"
A video title says, "U r a rock star!!!!!"
WIDEN OUT to see the video: From the back, we see Snooki
dancing at a night club. She spins around revealing her
CRYING BABY in her arms.
The cursor clicks "Send."
A subject line. Someone types, "FUUUUUUUUCK"
A picture appears of the now 3 year old GUIDO CHILD holding
We see a line from the e-mail:
"I fuckin told Jionni he should have worn a condom"
An IMAGE inside an e-mail of the young child holding up a
LARGE STUFFED ANIMAL GORILLA.
Beneath that, it reads, "Ur first juiced up gorilla!"
A subject line that reads, "In da hospital"
We see part of the e-mail that reads: "I gave u too much Red
Then it PANS DOWN to show another part that reads: "The can
should have a warning label or some shit like that."
A picture of the kid, lying in the hospital bed, eating a
LARGE PLATE OF PASTA.
Underneath the picture, it reads, "Your hair was nappy as
hell HAHA xoxo"
The body of an e-mail. It reads, "Our home for the first 4
In a new tab, someone types, "401 Boulevard, Seaside
The MAP zooms in until it's a street view of the OUTSIDE OF
KARMA NIGHT CLUB.
The Subject reads, "Where u were made I think"
In the e-mail, a picture appears of the Jersey Shore,
Like in the original, the cursor clicks on Albums. The first
picture that pops up is of "The Situation." Underneath the
photo, it reads:
"Could also maybe be ur dad but he sucks"
Then the next photo is of Vinny. Underneath the photo, it
"Another possible dad, but Jionni is hotter"
The subject reads: "Ur growing up so fast!"
A VIDEO of Snooki Jr. walking out of a Tattoo Parlor. She
turns around and lifts up her shirt to camera, revealing a
LOWER BACK TATTOO of an ITALIAN FLAG.
A body of an e-mail. We see it says, "I've been writing u
since u were born."
Then beneath that, we see:
"your gonna flip when u c how fuckin annoyin u were. Mwah!"
Then beneath that, we see:
Snooki (Your mom dumbass JK!)"
FADE TO WHITE:
Then it reads: "Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi." A beat. Then next
to her name it reads, "Mom." Another beat. Then next to
"mom" it reads, "unfortunately."
FADE TO WHITE.
A beat, then "Good Luck, Snooki Jr." appears.
CUT TO THE GOOGLE CHROME LOGO