From CH Staff on
Gym, tan, ruin the lives of your children.
By David Young
UPBEAT/INSPIRATIONAL/SIMPLE PIANO MUSIC plays over the GOOGLE CHROME LOGO. A CURSOR clicks it and we're on the "Get Started" screen. CUT TO: In the "Desired Login Name" box, someone types, "dear.Snooki.Jr." then the cursor clicks on "Create my account." CUT TO: The "Compose Mail" button is clicked. In the "To" box, someone types, "Dear.Snooki.Jr@gmail.com" We then MOVE DOWN to the body of the e-mail. Someone types: "Dear Snooki Jr. U arrived!!! Holla!!!" After a beat, a PICTURE appears in the e-mail of a VERY GUIDO-LOOKING DUDE (Jionni) wearing sunglasses holding a baby. Underneath the photo, someone types: "You were slippery as fuck LOL. How hot does daddy look?!" The cursor clicks SEND. CUT TO: In the Subject line of an e-mail, someone types, "Happy Furst Birthday!" A VIDEO appears in the e-mail of a crying baby sitting on a leopard-skin bed. The baby has bronze skin and is decked-out in Guido clothes. Beneath the e-mail, it reads: "You smelled like shit on your bday. Stinky ass diaper haha" CUT TO: A video title says, "U r a rock star!!!!!" WIDEN OUT to see the video: From the back, we see Snooki dancing at a night club. She spins around revealing her CRYING BABY in her arms. The cursor clicks "Send." CUT TO: A subject line. Someone types, "FUUUUUUUUCK" A picture appears of the now 3 year old GUIDO CHILD holding a NEWBORN. We see a line from the e-mail: "I fuckin told Jionni he should have worn a condom" CUT TO: An IMAGE inside an e-mail of the young child holding up a LARGE STUFFED ANIMAL GORILLA. Beneath that, it reads, "Ur first juiced up gorilla!" CUT TO: A subject line that reads, "In da hospital" We see part of the e-mail that reads: "I gave u too much Red Bull." Then it PANS DOWN to show another part that reads: "The can should have a warning label or some shit like that." A picture of the kid, lying in the hospital bed, eating a LARGE PLATE OF PASTA. Underneath the picture, it reads, "Your hair was nappy as hell HAHA xoxo" CUT TO: The body of an e-mail. It reads, "Our home for the first 4 years." In a new tab, someone types, "401 Boulevard, Seaside Heights, NJ." The MAP zooms in until it's a street view of the OUTSIDE OF KARMA NIGHT CLUB. CUT TO: The Subject reads, "Where u were made I think" In the e-mail, a picture appears of the Jersey Shore, "Smoosh room." CUT TO: Like in the original, the cursor clicks on Albums. The first picture that pops up is of "The Situation." Underneath the photo, it reads: "Could also maybe be ur dad but he sucks" Then the next photo is of Vinny. Underneath the photo, it reads: "Another possible dad, but Jionni is hotter" CUT TO The subject reads: "Ur growing up so fast!" A VIDEO of Snooki Jr. walking out of a Tattoo Parlor. She turns around and lifts up her shirt to camera, revealing a LOWER BACK TATTOO of an ITALIAN FLAG. CUT TO: A body of an e-mail. We see it says, "I've been writing u since u were born." Then beneath that, we see: "your gonna flip when u c how fuckin annoyin u were. Mwah!" Then beneath that, we see: "Love, Snooki (Your mom dumbass JK!)" FADE TO WHITE: Then it reads: "Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi." A beat. Then next to her name it reads, "Mom." Another beat. Then next to "mom" it reads, "unfortunately." FADE TO WHITE. A beat, then "Good Luck, Snooki Jr." appears. CUT TO THE GOOGLE CHROME LOGO END