Hardly Working: Breaking Bad

By

Jenny Jaffe & Josh Ruben

          INT. METH LAB OOPS DID I SAY THAT I MEAN OFFICE

          DAVID and EMILY are having lunch.

                              DAVID
                    Are you all caught up on Breaking
                    Bad?

          JOSH enters acting like JESSE.

                              JOSH
                    Are YOU all caught up on Breaking
                    Bad?  BITCH?

                              JENNY
                    Oh my god, Josh, you've been doing
                    that Jesse impression for like 2
                    weeks.

                              DAVID
                    It's a good impression, but you
                    seriously need to chill.  It's
                    weird.

                              JOSH
                    How about I do an impression of my
                    fist going into your FACE?!  BITCH!

                              DAVID
                    Come on, Josh, now you're just
                    being offensive.

          INT. SAMS OFFICE

                              SAM
                    I mean, I'm just not sure if I like
                    this draft or not... Josh, do you
                    need something?

                              JOSH
                    You wanna buy some crystal?

                              SAM
                    I don't, uh-

                              JOSH
                    Yo, look, don't waste my time,
                    bitch.  I got the blue shit if you
                    got the cheddar.  LET'S GO.

                              BEN
                    Uh, we're working...

          Josh pulls out a gun.  He's teary eyed.

                              JOSH
                    I don't' wanna have to do this, Gale!

                              BEN
                    Is that a real gun?!

          A KNOCK on the door.  It's Jenny and DAVID.

                              JENNY
                    Sam, can we talk to you for a
                    second?

          They leave Ben with Josh.  As thy walk away we hear a
          GUNSHOT!

          INT. OUTSIDE SAM'S OFFICE

          David, Sam and Jenny pow-wow.

                              JENNY
                    Obviously this is getting a little
                    out of control.

                              DAVID
                    It's like he's become Jesse.  The
                    other day he invited all of these
                    crack whores to the office.

                              SAM
                    I think I have a plan...

          INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

          Josh is pouring out a bag of BLUE ROCK CANDY and smashing it
          like crystal.

          Sam approaches, dressed as WALTER WHITE.

                              SAM
                    Hey, uh, Jesse.  It's me, Walt.

                              JOSH
                    Mr. White!  What are you doing
                    here?

                              SAM
                    Well, I'm actually looking for
                    someone, maybe you can help me. 
                    I'm looking for a guy.  Funny guy. 
                    Hairy.  Name's Josh.  Likes to
                    dress up and play kooky characters?

          He holds up a PICTURE of Josh as the OWL LADY.

                              JOSH
                    Uh.  I don't know what you're uh-

          Jenny approaches in a blonde wig: SKYLER

                              JENNY
                         (as Skyler)
                    No!  Let's not beat around the bush
                    Walt.  Josh, I don't know what's
                    going on with you right now, but
                    this Jesse impression needs to
                    stop.

                              JOSH
                         (breaking character)
                    I, uh, don't know what you're
                    trying to do here, but it's not
                    cool, bitch!

          DAVID enters on crutches.

                              DAVID
                         (as Walt Jr.)
                    You're a pussy, Josh!  You need to
                    stop acting like Jesse and start
                    acting like YOURSELF.

                              JENNY
                    I just don't know how much longer I
                    can take this.  You are tearing
                    this office apart.

          She picks up a BABY from O.S. and starts feeding it just as
          Murph enters, also dressed as JESSE.

                              MURPH
                    Yeah!  And, like, everyone knows
                    I'm Jesse!  And you're Josh! If
                    there were two Jesse's it would be
                    like, really confusing!  Bitch!

          Everyone nods in agreement.  They are suddenly flanked by
          Pat in a bald cap as HANK (walking with a cane) and Emily
          as MARIE (dressed in all purple).

          Sam puts his hands on Josh's shoulders.  He does the
          "emotional Walt mouth."

                              SAM
                    What you need to do... is apply
                    yourself.

          This is a big moment for Josh who slowly takes off his hat.

          Emotional MUSIC plays.

                              JOSH
                    Oh my god... I'm so sorry, guys.  
                    I guess I just love Breaking Bad so
                    much and ever since season 4 ended
                    I don't know what to do with
                    myself...

                              JENNY
                    You were so wrapped up in your own
                    little world that you didn't notice
                    we missed the real you.

                              JOSH
                    Wow!  I guess I really learned a
                    lesson today!  So, no more Jesse
                    impression?

                              SAM/JENNY/CRAIG/MURPH
                    No more Jesse impression.

          BACK to Josh - now SALAMANCA, wheelchair-bound in a
          beer-stained tank top and hawaiian shirt.

          He rings his bell.  DING DING DING.

          Everyone looks momentarily disappointed... then LAUGHS!

          Josh shits himself.