Alternate Mad Men Intros

By

Patrick Cassels

          In silhouette, Don Draper stands in his office and puts his
          briefcase down.  The walls and furniture begin to crumble.

          Don falls between skyscrapers with advertisements on them.

          Suddenly, he SPLATTERS on the ground.  A small crowd of
          OTHER SILHOUETTES surround him.

                              SILHOUETTE 1
                    Oh my god!  What happened?

                              SILHOUETTE 2
                    This guy just fell from the top of
                    a skyscraper!  He's... he's dead,
                    man.

                              SILHOUETTE 1
                         (beat)
                    Grab his wallet.

          The silhouettes coyly shuffle over to Don's remains.

          CUT TO:

          The "MAD MEN" INTRO.  Same setup as previous.  Don's
          silhouette falls between the skyscrapers.  A skateboard
          falls next to Don.  He grabs it, steps on it, and puts on a
          helmet.  He lands in a half-pipe, launches, and does a SICK
          720.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Indy nosebone!

          A crowd of silhouettes CHEERS.  FLASH BULBS go off.  He
          lands on a podium with a large ENERGY DRINK banner behind
          him and gives a "hang loose" symbol.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Max out with new Thunder Thug!

          CUT TO:

          Don in his office.  The furniture, blinds, and pictures
          slowly crumble.  But rather than cutting away, we stay as
          all the items land on the floor of the office.

                              DON
                    Are you kidding me?  Once a
                    friggin' week...
                         (sighs)
                    Guess Don's cleaning this one!

          A frustrated Don picks up the items, grumbling to himself:

                              DON
                    Just get some decent furniture that
                    stays together...

          CUT TO:

          Don is falling between the skyscrapers.  As he reaches the
          whiskey ad, he lands inside the glass with a SPLASH.  Beat. 
          The whiskey drains from the glass.  Don climbs to the rim,
          looking drunk and disheveled.

                              DON
                         (slurring)
                    You people don't fugging know me! 
                    I w- I won a fucking Cleo!  So you
                    kiss my white--!

          Don PUKES over the side of the glass.

                              DON
                         (calling down)
                    I'm sorry!

          CUT TO:

          Don enters his office.  CLOSE on his briefcase as he places
          it on the floor.  It accidentally opens and an insane
          amount of pornography pours out (including some nasty VHS
          tapes).

                              DON
                    Ah, shit.

          A SECRETARY SILHOUETTE politely enters.

                              SECRETARY SILHOUETTE
                    Everything okay, Mr. D-
                         (noticing porno)
                    Oh my!

          Don pathetically gets on his knees and scrambles up the
          porno.

                              DON
                    Oh, this, it's research for a
                    campaign, um, Kodak, er, I-
                         (beat; realizing)
                    You're fired.

          CUT TO:

          Don falls past the engagement rind ad.  The male hand in the
          ad quickly grabs Don.  Don screams.  FOLLOW the hand as it
          moves toward a giant's mouth.  The giant bites Don in half.

          CUT TO:

          Don falls between the skyscrapers.  As he reaches the
          swinging woman's leg, it KICKS him off screen with
          "Woahhhh!"

          CUT TO the green "Breaking Bad" title screen.  Don flies in
          and grabs onto the bottom of the "Ba" square.

                              DON
                    Oh thank Christ!

          The yellow meth smoke enters and envelops Don.

                              DON
                    Ah fuck!

          Don falls off screen.  Quick PAN DOWN.  He's landed on the
          bottom of the "Rubicon" intro.  He looks up at the title.

                              DON
                    What the hell's a Rubicon?

          CUT TO:

          Don falls between the skyscrapers.  Suddenly, SUPERMAN (in
          silhouette) swoops in and grabs him.

          CLOSER on Don and Superman.  The scene mimics the romantic
          Lois/Superman flying scene from the '70s Superman complete
          with string music.

                              DON
                    It's so beautiful up here!

                              SUPERMAN
                    But not as beautiful as you, Don.

          They kiss.

          CUT TO:

          The final shot: PULL BACK to reveal Don on the couch in his
          iconic pose. Keep PULLING BACK to reveal, instead of the
          cigarette, he is holding one of the nasty VHS porn tapes:
          "Backdoor Mama." He leans forward and pops it in a VCR. A TV
          turns on and begins playing the movie.

                              TELEVISION
                         [Pornographic moans and
                         curses.]

          END.