Just in time for the new season, the AMC drama reveals some (thankfully) unused openings.
By Patrick Cassels
In silhouette, Don Draper stands in his office and puts his briefcase down. The walls and furniture begin to crumble. Don falls between skyscrapers with advertisements on them. Suddenly, he SPLATTERS on the ground. A small crowd of OTHER SILHOUETTES surround him. SILHOUETTE 1 Oh my god! What happened? SILHOUETTE 2 This guy just fell from the top of a skyscraper! He's... he's dead, man. SILHOUETTE 1 (beat) Grab his wallet. The silhouettes coyly shuffle over to Don's remains. CUT TO: The "MAD MEN" INTRO. Same setup as previous. Don's silhouette falls between the skyscrapers. A skateboard falls next to Don. He grabs it, steps on it, and puts on a helmet. He lands in a half-pipe, launches, and does a SICK 720. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Indy nosebone! A crowd of silhouettes CHEERS. FLASH BULBS go off. He lands on a podium with a large ENERGY DRINK banner behind him and gives a "hang loose" symbol. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Max out with new Thunder Thug! CUT TO: Don in his office. The furniture, blinds, and pictures slowly crumble. But rather than cutting away, we stay as all the items land on the floor of the office. DON Are you kidding me? Once a friggin' week... (sighs) Guess Don's cleaning this one! A frustrated Don picks up the items, grumbling to himself: DON Just get some decent furniture that stays together... CUT TO: Don is falling between the skyscrapers. As he reaches the whiskey ad, he lands inside the glass with a SPLASH. Beat. The whiskey drains from the glass. Don climbs to the rim, looking drunk and disheveled. DON (slurring) You people don't fugging know me! I w- I won a fucking Cleo! So you kiss my white--! Don PUKES over the side of the glass. DON (calling down) I'm sorry! CUT TO: Don enters his office. CLOSE on his briefcase as he places it on the floor. It accidentally opens and an insane amount of pornography pours out (including some nasty VHS tapes). DON Ah, shit. A SECRETARY SILHOUETTE politely enters. SECRETARY SILHOUETTE Everything okay, Mr. D- (noticing porno) Oh my! Don pathetically gets on his knees and scrambles up the porno. DON Oh, this, it's research for a campaign, um, Kodak, er, I- (beat; realizing) You're fired. CUT TO: Don falls past the engagement rind ad. The male hand in the ad quickly grabs Don. Don screams. FOLLOW the hand as it moves toward a giant's mouth. The giant bites Don in half. CUT TO: Don falls between the skyscrapers. As he reaches the swinging woman's leg, it KICKS him off screen with "Woahhhh!" CUT TO the green "Breaking Bad" title screen. Don flies in and grabs onto the bottom of the "Ba" square. DON Oh thank Christ! The yellow meth smoke enters and envelops Don. DON Ah fuck! Don falls off screen. Quick PAN DOWN. He's landed on the bottom of the "Rubicon" intro. He looks up at the title. DON What the hell's a Rubicon? CUT TO: Don falls between the skyscrapers. Suddenly, SUPERMAN (in silhouette) swoops in and grabs him. CLOSER on Don and Superman. The scene mimics the romantic Lois/Superman flying scene from the '70s Superman complete with string music. DON It's so beautiful up here! SUPERMAN But not as beautiful as you, Don. They kiss. CUT TO: The final shot: PULL BACK to reveal Don on the couch in his iconic pose. Keep PULLING BACK to reveal, instead of the cigarette, he is holding one of the nasty VHS porn tapes: "Backdoor Mama." He leans forward and pops it in a VCR. A TV turns on and begins playing the movie. TELEVISION [Pornographic moans and curses.] END.