By Patrick Cassels & David Young
INT. RICKY'S OFFICE -- MANWICH PAT sits at a desk that's covered in papers. He's in a shirt and tie and he is constantly moving papers from one side of the desk to the other, really frazzled. DAVID enters. DAVID Morning Pat. How's it going? As Pat responds to David, he get himself wound up, talking faster and more stressed. We repeat this often throughout. PAT (flipping through his stuff) Ugh, David! "How's it going?!" I mean, I have to go through all these friggin' scripts before lunch. My friggin' landlord just called me and told me my drywall has moisture. I got this click in my lower elbow I don't know what the hell it is! And I mean, I mean! (takes a breath; then, calm) I'm sorry. How are you? He listens to David but keeps moving papers. Very busy. DAVID (taken aback) Wow, um. Sounds like you have a lot going on. But I'm doing all right. My in-laws are visiting. Which is great. Except the fold-out couch barely works and they complain every chance they get because it's not comfortable! Meanwhile any reservation I make for dinner they have a problem with because they don't eat chicken, they don't eat pork, fish makes them puke and I mean, I mean... At some point David gets up and starts to do a weird, stressed out mini-pace (see writers for demonstration). DAVID ...I mean, I mean. (takes breath; then) I'm sorry. How are you? PAT WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW AM I? You just asked me! Are you listening or not or are you just going about your day not listening to anyone? You gotta clean out your ears man... (quick look at phone) ...oh and my landlord says there's even more moisture than we thought in the drywall. I just-- I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean... (fast, powerful breath; then) I'm sorry. How are you? Suddenly, STREETER pops his head in with a knock. STREETER You guys are being crazy loud. Is everything okay? DAVE/PAT (totally normal) Yeah. / Of course. STREETER Okay, cool. (beat) So, how are you? David/Pat burst into simultaneous rants. David resumes his fast mini-pace. DAVID Well Pat's giving me a hard time! On top of that I have my in-laws to deal with and my friggin' Visa is completely maxed out and I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean... PAT I this got this friggin' clicky elbow! I don't know: is it good, is it bad? I mean I joined a tennis club so maybe it's tennis elbow but I only joined for the restaurant! I should never have joined I mean, I mean I mean, I mean I mean... DAVID/PAT (to Street) I'm sorry. How are you? DAVID (to Pat) Jinx! PAT Oh, great! So now I can't talk which is just perfect, I can't talk to you or Streeter or my landlord who-- God knows how that moisture in my drywall's doing. (beat; to David) Sorry, how are you doing man? David punches Pat. DAVID How do you think I'm doing? You're not even respecting the jinx, and on top of that I... (beat) Sorry, hey, how are you doing? STREETER You know, you're jobs aren't THAT stressful guys. During the next line, Pat gets up and pops a butterscotch candy in his mouth then sits again. He never stops speaking. PAT Of course they are I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean. (beat) I'm sorry. How are you? STREETER (thoughtful and slow) Okay. If you guys really want to know, I am also stressed. I am dealing with something that is potentially life altering. And I don't know how to deal with it. Streeter looks up and sees Pat and David both playing Game Gear with the volume up high, ignoring Streeter. STREETER Are those Game Gears? END.