Big Dick Birth Defect

By

Emily Axford

          INT. OFFICE BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM

          A Doctor in scrubs, PATRICK, enters and stops a nervous
          father-to-be, STREETER, who is pacing.

                              PATRICK
                    I'm sorry, I have some bad news.

                              STREETER
                         (stressed, hasn't slept)
                    Is everything okay?  Is my wife
                    okay? Is the baby okay?

                              PATRICK
                    Your wife is recovering. The baby
                    was born. But...

          Streeter looks at Patrick with urgency.

                              PATRICK
                    He has a very rare birth defect. He
                    was born with abnormally large
                    genitalia...

          Streeter let's out a smile of pride, then tries to hide it.

                              PATRICK
                    ...and his life may be in danger. 
                    We're closely monitoring him.

                              STREETER
                    Um, how big is it.

                              PATRICK
                    The danger?

                              STREETER
                    His, uh, dick.

                              PATRICK
                         (looking down, bracing himself
                         for delivering bad news)
                    Six  and a half inches.

                              STREETER
                    Oh, gosh.  That's...
                         (trying to be serious, but
                         with a little bit of pride,
                         reasoning with himself)
                    ...not bad. For a baby especially.

          Streeter holds out his hands to measure six and a half
          inches.

                              PATRICK
                         (annoyed at Streeter)
                    Actually it's very bad. For a 
                    baby, especially. It's about half
                    the size of his body.

                              STREETER
                    That's my boy!
                         (repeating but with gravity)
                    Ahem, I mean, oh no! That's my boy!

                              PATRICK
                    The point is, this is a serious
                    complication that may have lasting
                    effects. We're optimistic, but we
                    can't predict how it may affect his
                    growth and development.

                              STREETER
                    I'm sorry, going back to the size.
                    Was that soft, or...

                              PATRICK
                    Uh, soft, to borrow your words.

                              STREETER
                    So it's probably... even... bigger.
                         (raising his voice, indignant)
                    I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm just trying
                    to understand this.

                              PATRICK
                    Fine. Hypothetically, if a baby
                    could have... an... you understand
                    you're talking about a baby, right?
                    Your baby? Who is in danger?

                              STREETER
                    I know. It's bad.
                         (beat)
                    Ass. Kinda bad ass. Mostly bad.

                              PATRICK
                         (producing a manila folder)
                    We have some x rays...

                              STREETER
                         (surprised, but quickly covers
                         mouth and resumes seriousness)
                    Oh... That's a huge... huge
                    tragedy. Can I keep this?

                              PATRICK
                    Mr. Young! Your son is at serious
                    risk. At the least, he'll have to
                    wear corrective orthotics.  At the
                    worst... do you understand the
                    burden of a congenital disorder?

          While Patrick is lecturing Streeter, he tries to sneakily
          take a photo of the x-ray in his hand with his camera phone.

                              STREETER
                    What? It's for my brother! He's
                    gonna be so proud. And concerned!
                         (feeling guilty)
                    I'm sorry. This is a stressful
                    situation, I think I'm trying to
                    find some kind of... silver lining
                    or... can I ask you, what are the
                    chances...

          Patrick starts to answer, but Streeter interrupts him,
          speaking louder and faster to prevent Patrick from saying
          much.

                              STREETER
                    ...The chances that it's going to
                    keep growing. Also, thick? He's not
                    a pencil dick is he? I don't want
                    my son to have a pencil dick. Talk
                    about a burden.

                              PATRICK
                    I don't say this, to anyone, ever,
                    but you shouldn't be a father.

          Streeter nods as if internalizing this.

                              STREETER
                    So... is it bigger than yours?

          Patrick sighs and looks as if to say "are you kidding me?"

                              PATRICK
                         (very offended)
                    I... You... Yes, it is.

          Patrick hangs his head in shame.

          END.