The news every father dreads hearing... without his friends around to also hear it.
By Emily Axford
INT. OFFICE BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
A Doctor in scrubs, PATRICK, enters and stops a nervous
father-to-be, STREETER, who is pacing.
I'm sorry, I have some bad news.
(stressed, hasn't slept)
Is everything okay? Is my wife
okay? Is the baby okay?
Your wife is recovering. The baby
was born. But...
Streeter looks at Patrick with urgency.
He has a very rare birth defect. He
was born with abnormally large
Streeter let's out a smile of pride, then tries to hide it.
...and his life may be in danger.
We're closely monitoring him.
Um, how big is it.
His, uh, dick.
(looking down, bracing himself
for delivering bad news)
Six and a half inches.
Oh, gosh. That's...
(trying to be serious, but
with a little bit of pride,
reasoning with himself)
...not bad. For a baby especially.
Streeter holds out his hands to measure six and a half
(annoyed at Streeter)
Actually it's very bad. For a
baby, especially. It's about half
the size of his body.
That's my boy!
(repeating but with gravity)
Ahem, I mean, oh no! That's my boy!
The point is, this is a serious
complication that may have lasting
effects. We're optimistic, but we
can't predict how it may affect his
growth and development.
I'm sorry, going back to the size.
Was that soft, or...
Uh, soft, to borrow your words.
So it's probably... even... bigger.
(raising his voice, indignant)
I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm just trying
to understand this.
Fine. Hypothetically, if a baby
could have... an... you understand
you're talking about a baby, right?
Your baby? Who is in danger?
I know. It's bad.
Ass. Kinda bad ass. Mostly bad.
(producing a manila folder)
We have some x rays...
(surprised, but quickly covers
mouth and resumes seriousness)
Oh... That's a huge... huge
tragedy. Can I keep this?
Mr. Young! Your son is at serious
risk. At the least, he'll have to
wear corrective orthotics. At the
worst... do you understand the
burden of a congenital disorder?
While Patrick is lecturing Streeter, he tries to sneakily
take a photo of the x-ray in his hand with his camera phone.
What? It's for my brother! He's
gonna be so proud. And concerned!
I'm sorry. This is a stressful
situation, I think I'm trying to
find some kind of... silver lining
or... can I ask you, what are the
Patrick starts to answer, but Streeter interrupts him,
speaking louder and faster to prevent Patrick from saying
...The chances that it's going to
keep growing. Also, thick? He's not
a pencil dick is he? I don't want
my son to have a pencil dick. Talk
about a burden.
I don't say this, to anyone, ever,
but you shouldn't be a father.
Streeter nods as if internalizing this.
So... is it bigger than yours?
Patrick sighs and looks as if to say "are you kidding me?"
I... You... Yes, it is.
Patrick hangs his head in shame.