From CH Staff on
The news every father dreads hearing... without his friends around to also hear it.
By Emily Axford
INT. OFFICE BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM A Doctor in scrubs, PATRICK, enters and stops a nervous father-to-be, STREETER, who is pacing. PATRICK I'm sorry, I have some bad news. STREETER (stressed, hasn't slept) Is everything okay? Is my wife okay? Is the baby okay? PATRICK Your wife is recovering. The baby was born. But... Streeter looks at Patrick with urgency. PATRICK He has a very rare birth defect. He was born with abnormally large genitalia... Streeter let's out a smile of pride, then tries to hide it. PATRICK ...and his life may be in danger. We're closely monitoring him. STREETER Um, how big is it. PATRICK The danger? STREETER His, uh, dick. PATRICK (looking down, bracing himself for delivering bad news) Six and a half inches. STREETER Oh, gosh. That's... (trying to be serious, but with a little bit of pride, reasoning with himself) ...not bad. For a baby especially. Streeter holds out his hands to measure six and a half inches. PATRICK (annoyed at Streeter) Actually it's very bad. For a baby, especially. It's about half the size of his body. STREETER That's my boy! (repeating but with gravity) Ahem, I mean, oh no! That's my boy! PATRICK The point is, this is a serious complication that may have lasting effects. We're optimistic, but we can't predict how it may affect his growth and development. STREETER I'm sorry, going back to the size. Was that soft, or... PATRICK Uh, soft, to borrow your words. STREETER So it's probably... even... bigger. (raising his voice, indignant) I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm just trying to understand this. PATRICK Fine. Hypothetically, if a baby could have... an... you understand you're talking about a baby, right? Your baby? Who is in danger? STREETER I know. It's bad. (beat) Ass. Kinda bad ass. Mostly bad. PATRICK (producing a manila folder) We have some x rays... STREETER (surprised, but quickly covers mouth and resumes seriousness) Oh... That's a huge... huge tragedy. Can I keep this? PATRICK Mr. Young! Your son is at serious risk. At the least, he'll have to wear corrective orthotics. At the worst... do you understand the burden of a congenital disorder? While Patrick is lecturing Streeter, he tries to sneakily take a photo of the x-ray in his hand with his camera phone. STREETER What? It's for my brother! He's gonna be so proud. And concerned! (feeling guilty) I'm sorry. This is a stressful situation, I think I'm trying to find some kind of... silver lining or... can I ask you, what are the chances... Patrick starts to answer, but Streeter interrupts him, speaking louder and faster to prevent Patrick from saying much. STREETER ...The chances that it's going to keep growing. Also, thick? He's not a pencil dick is he? I don't want my son to have a pencil dick. Talk about a burden. PATRICK I don't say this, to anyone, ever, but you shouldn't be a father. Streeter nods as if internalizing this. STREETER So... is it bigger than yours? Patrick sighs and looks as if to say "are you kidding me?" PATRICK (very offended) I... You... Yes, it is. Patrick hangs his head in shame. END.