From CH Staff on
Jesus has trouble stealing attention away from the Bloomin' Onion.
By Emily Axford
INT. RESTAURANT JESUS is standing at a table, flanked by apostles, in an identifiable "Last Supper" Tableau. Spiritual music plays. JESUS Blessed be this day, for we are met as brothers. And yet, I say to you, one of you will betray me, one who is eating with me, one of my twelve... (counting people) Wait, thirteen? Wait, who are you? Jesus points at waiter STEVE, who is sitting down at the table with a waiter's pad, dressed in suspenders and pins. STEVE (overly chipper, sitting down like a waiter who's trying to be cool with the table) Howdy y'all, I'm actually Steve, your waiter! Welcome to Whacky Jacks Rodeo Barn & Grill! What can I do ya for? JESUS Uh, we're still deciding. STEVE Alrighty-roo. Steve leaves with a wink and a tip of the hat. JESUS Serious, Matthew? This is the only place you could get a reservation? MATTHEW It's Friday night and there's twelve of us! Jesus rolls his eyes, then assumes a more heavenly presence. Cue: Spiritual Music. JESUS (holding up bread) Take this and eat it. (passing out pieces) For this is my body. Partake in this and I will never be far from your heart. Steve approaches. STEVE Sorry, are you guys gonna order anything? You've been eating a lot of complementary bread and you've only ordered one sangria. JESUS Actually, it's my blood... Whatever. Fine. I'll have... (searching) ... I dunno, a burger. STEVE (smiling, pleased with self) We don't have burgers here, but we do have Rockin' Rodeo Cow Pies! JESUS Fine. I'll get... (picking up a huge menu, annoyed) Just give me the Whacky Cracker Chicken Sticks. Jesus hands Steve the huge menu and nods him off. Cue: Spiritual Music. JESUS Take this and drink it, for it is my blood. Jesus picks up an oversized glass of Sangria filled with silly straws and toy scuba divers, sips some, and passes it around. JESUS I am the vine, and ye are the... The apostles take turns taking sips from the silly sangria. JESUS branches-Peter? Are you coloring? PETER looks up from coloring with crayons on a kids menu. PETER (guiltily) No. JESUS Peter? Never mind. Today is an important day because today I no longer call you servants, but... A nearby baby in a high chair starts crying very loudly. JESUS (louder) Ahem, NO LONGER CALL YOU... Steve and a group of waiters enters clapping and singing "Happy, Happy Birthday!" JESUS Y'know? I'm not going to try to compete with this. I'll... Oh no. Jesus realizes they are walking toward him with a piece of cake and a birthday crown. They surround him and sing. JESUS Oh geez. Thanks, this is really nice, but its not my birthday. The entire restaurant is looking at him. The waiters put the cardboard birthday crown on his head. JESUS Okay, please don't... please stop... this is torture... (losing it) Okay enough! Jesus' outburst shuts everyone up. JESUS I didn't ask for this, I don't know who put you up to this. JUDAS (to Jesus) I did! JESUS Shut up. But it's not even my birthday! I know I've been hinting at it, pretty hard, but for those of you who still haven't gotten it, I'm gonna die, like tomorrow, so it's all the more not my birthday. MARY (aside to Jesus) Babe, maybe you should calm... JESUS No! Even if it were my birthday, I wouldn't want this. I'd want a foot bath, maybe a blow job, but definitely not a restaurant full of people staring at me and some bland chocolate cake I don't even like but you're probably going to charge me for anyway. Everyone is getting very uncomfortable. JESUS Blessed are those who don't lie to a waiter while their friend is in the bathroom and say its his birthday. Got it? I didn't realize I needed to spell it out, but I guess "the meek" and "pure in heart" didn't get that across. Jesus childishly tears the cardboard crown off his head and has a little fit before finally sitting down. Steve hands Jesus the bill. He picks it up and looks at it. JESUS Aaand they charged me for the cake. Okay, who's got money? Cut to: Wide shot Last Supper Tableau. The Apostles look at Jesus helpless, checking their pockets, shaking their head: they do not have money. JUDAS I've got thirty pieces of silver! Jesus is exasperated and puts his head in his hands. Steve enters. STEVE Hey. Sorry. We just had a big group come in and you guys for some reason are only using one side of the table. Can we move you around and use one of these tables? Jesus and the Apostles start to awkwardly relocate. END.