The Last Supper at a Chain Restaurant

By

Emily Axford

          INT. RESTAURANT

          JESUS is standing at a table, flanked by apostles, in an
          identifiable "Last Supper" Tableau.  Spiritual music plays.

                              JESUS
                    Blessed be this day, for we are met
                    as brothers.  And yet, I say to
                    you, one of you will betray me, one
                    who is eating with me, one of my
                    twelve...
                         (counting people)
                    Wait, thirteen?  Wait, who are you?

          Jesus points at waiter STEVE, who is sitting down at the
          table with a waiter's pad, dressed in suspenders and pins. 

                              STEVE
                         (overly chipper, sitting down
                         like a waiter who's trying to
                         be cool with the table)
                    Howdy y'all, I'm actually Steve,
                    your waiter!  Welcome to Whacky
                    Jacks Rodeo Barn & Grill!  What can
                    I do ya for?

                              JESUS
                    Uh, we're still deciding. 

                              STEVE
                    Alrighty-roo. 

          Steve leaves with a wink and a tip of the hat. 

                              JESUS
                    Serious, Matthew?  This is the only
                    place you could get a reservation?

                              MATTHEW
                    It's Friday night and there's
                    twelve of us!

          Jesus rolls his eyes, then assumes a more heavenly
          presence.  Cue: Spiritual Music.

                              JESUS
                         (holding up bread)
                    Take this and eat it.
                         (passing out pieces)
                    For this is my body.  Partake in
                    this and I will never be far from
                    your heart.

          Steve approaches.

                              STEVE
                    Sorry, are you guys gonna order
                    anything?  You've been eating a lot
                    of complementary bread and you've
                    only ordered one sangria.

                              JESUS
                    Actually, it's my blood...
                    Whatever.  Fine.  I'll have...
                         (searching)
                    ... I dunno, a burger. 

                              STEVE
                         (smiling, pleased with self)
                    We don't have burgers here, but we
                    do have Rockin' Rodeo Cow Pies!

                              JESUS
                    Fine.  I'll get...
                         (picking up a huge menu,
                         annoyed)
                    Just give me the Whacky Cracker
                    Chicken Sticks. 

          Jesus hands Steve the huge menu and nods him off.  Cue:
          Spiritual Music.  

                              JESUS
                    Take this and drink it, for it is
                    my blood.  

          Jesus picks up an oversized glass of Sangria filled with
          silly straws and toy scuba divers, sips some, and passes it
          around. 

                              JESUS
                    I am the vine, and ye are the...

          The apostles take turns taking sips from the silly sangria.

                              JESUS
                    branches-Peter?  Are you coloring?

          PETER looks up from coloring with crayons on a kids menu.

                              PETER
                         (guiltily)
                    No.

                              JESUS
                    Peter?  Never mind.  Today is an
                    important day because today I no
                    longer call you servants, but...

          A nearby baby in a high chair starts crying very loudly.

                              JESUS
                         (louder)
                    Ahem, NO LONGER CALL YOU...

          Steve and a group of waiters enters clapping and singing
          "Happy, Happy Birthday!"

                              JESUS
                    Y'know?  I'm not going to try to
                    compete with this.  I'll... Oh no.

          Jesus realizes they are walking toward him with a piece of
          cake and a birthday crown.  They surround him and sing.

                              JESUS
                    Oh geez.  Thanks, this is really
                    nice, but its not my birthday. 

          The entire restaurant is looking at him. The waiters put the
          cardboard birthday crown on his head. 

                              JESUS
                    Okay, please don't... please
                    stop... this is torture...
                         (losing it)
                    Okay enough!

          Jesus' outburst shuts everyone up. 

                              JESUS
                    I didn't ask for this, I don't know
                    who put you up to this. 

                              JUDAS
                         (to Jesus)
                    I did!

                              JESUS
                    Shut up.  But it's not even my
                    birthday! I know I've been hinting
                    at it, pretty hard, but for those
                    of you who still haven't gotten it,
                    I'm gonna die, like tomorrow, so
                    it's all the more not my birthday.

                              MARY
                         (aside to Jesus)
                    Babe, maybe you should calm...

                              JESUS
                    No! Even if it were my birthday, I
                    wouldn't want this. I'd want a
                    foot bath, maybe a blow job, but
                    definitely not a restaurant full of
                    people staring at me and some bland
                    chocolate cake I don't even like
                    but you're probably going to charge
                    me for anyway.

          Everyone is getting very uncomfortable. 

                              JESUS
                    Blessed are those who don't lie to
                    a waiter while their friend is in
                    the bathroom and say its his
                    birthday.  Got it?  I didn't
                    realize I needed to spell it out,
                    but I guess "the meek" and "pure in
                    heart" didn't get that across.

          Jesus childishly tears the cardboard crown off his head and
          has a little fit before finally sitting down.  Steve hands
          Jesus the bill.  He picks it up and looks at it.

                              JESUS
                    Aaand they charged me for the
                    cake.  Okay, who's got money?

          Cut to: Wide shot Last Supper Tableau.  The Apostles look at
          Jesus helpless, checking their pockets, shaking their head:
          they do not have money. 

                              JUDAS
                    I've got thirty pieces of silver!

          Jesus is exasperated and puts his head in his hands.  Steve
          enters. 

                              STEVE
                    Hey.  Sorry.  We just had a big
                    group come in and you guys for some
                    reason are only using one side of
                    the table.  Can we move you around
                    and use one of these tables? 

          Jesus and the Apostles start to awkwardly relocate.

          END.