Jesus has trouble stealing attention away from the Bloomin' Onion.
By Emily Axford
JESUS is standing at a table, flanked by apostles, in an
identifiable "Last Supper" Tableau. Spiritual music plays.
Blessed be this day, for we are met
as brothers. And yet, I say to
you, one of you will betray me, one
who is eating with me, one of my
Wait, thirteen? Wait, who are you?
Jesus points at waiter STEVE, who is sitting down at the
table with a waiter's pad, dressed in suspenders and pins.
(overly chipper, sitting down
like a waiter who's trying to
be cool with the table)
Howdy y'all, I'm actually Steve,
your waiter! Welcome to Whacky
Jacks Rodeo Barn & Grill! What can
I do ya for?
Uh, we're still deciding.
Steve leaves with a wink and a tip of the hat.
Serious, Matthew? This is the only
place you could get a reservation?
It's Friday night and there's
twelve of us!
Jesus rolls his eyes, then assumes a more heavenly
presence. Cue: Spiritual Music.
(holding up bread)
Take this and eat it.
(passing out pieces)
For this is my body. Partake in
this and I will never be far from
Sorry, are you guys gonna order
anything? You've been eating a lot
of complementary bread and you've
only ordered one sangria.
Actually, it's my blood...
Whatever. Fine. I'll have...
... I dunno, a burger.
(smiling, pleased with self)
We don't have burgers here, but we
do have Rockin' Rodeo Cow Pies!
Fine. I'll get...
(picking up a huge menu,
Just give me the Whacky Cracker
Jesus hands Steve the huge menu and nods him off. Cue:
Take this and drink it, for it is
Jesus picks up an oversized glass of Sangria filled with
silly straws and toy scuba divers, sips some, and passes it
I am the vine, and ye are the...
The apostles take turns taking sips from the silly sangria.
branches-Peter? Are you coloring?
PETER looks up from coloring with crayons on a kids menu.
Peter? Never mind. Today is an
important day because today I no
longer call you servants, but...
A nearby baby in a high chair starts crying very loudly.
Ahem, NO LONGER CALL YOU...
Steve and a group of waiters enters clapping and singing
"Happy, Happy Birthday!"
Y'know? I'm not going to try to
compete with this. I'll... Oh no.
Jesus realizes they are walking toward him with a piece of
cake and a birthday crown. They surround him and sing.
Oh geez. Thanks, this is really
nice, but its not my birthday.
The entire restaurant is looking at him. The waiters put the
cardboard birthday crown on his head.
Okay, please don't... please
stop... this is torture...
Jesus' outburst shuts everyone up.
I didn't ask for this, I don't know
who put you up to this.
Shut up. But it's not even my
birthday! I know I've been hinting
at it, pretty hard, but for those
of you who still haven't gotten it,
I'm gonna die, like tomorrow, so
it's all the more not my birthday.
(aside to Jesus)
Babe, maybe you should calm...
No! Even if it were my birthday, I
wouldn't want this. I'd want a
foot bath, maybe a blow job, but
definitely not a restaurant full of
people staring at me and some bland
chocolate cake I don't even like
but you're probably going to charge
me for anyway.
Everyone is getting very uncomfortable.
Blessed are those who don't lie to
a waiter while their friend is in
the bathroom and say its his
birthday. Got it? I didn't
realize I needed to spell it out,
but I guess "the meek" and "pure in
heart" didn't get that across.
Jesus childishly tears the cardboard crown off his head and
has a little fit before finally sitting down. Steve hands
Jesus the bill. He picks it up and looks at it.
Aaand they charged me for the
cake. Okay, who's got money?
Cut to: Wide shot Last Supper Tableau. The Apostles look at
Jesus helpless, checking their pockets, shaking their head:
they do not have money.
I've got thirty pieces of silver!
Jesus is exasperated and puts his head in his hands. Steve
Hey. Sorry. We just had a big
group come in and you guys for some
reason are only using one side of
the table. Can we move you around
and use one of these tables?
Jesus and the Apostles start to awkwardly relocate.