Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
ESTABLISHING SHOT: We're on PROFESSOR's torso as he straightens his tie. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY The class settles. PROFESSOR Okay, let's get started. (noticing) No Mary-Kate. Well, that's one good thing ever. From outside the class, we hear: MARY-KATE (O.S.) I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming- MARY-KATE enters. MARY-KATE (CONT.) I'm coming, I'm coming- She sits. MARY-KATE (CONT.) I'm here. PROFESSOR Oh good. Hope felt strange. MARY-KATE (setting up) Pencil out. Book open. (opening a Diet Coke and sniffing it) Coke sniffed. Fat professor fat. Here we go. Learning time. PROFESSOR So- We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep, head back, snoring. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE (out of a dream) But I don't have heals in your size, drag queen John Goodman. PROFESSOR That's a very elaborate dream to have in no time. MARY-KATE (embarrassed) Sorry. Normally I can't get to sleep without a noisemaker. PROFESSOR Now- We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep again, this time with a NOISEMAKER in front of her making LOUD JUNGLE SOUNDS. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Mary-Kate! MARY-KATE Do you not like "jungle?" It has lots of options: The noisemaker makes these noises as she announces them. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Ocean, brook, rainforest, press conference, theme song, white noise... NOISEMAKER (man) Is there a special little something in this caprese salad? (woman) You got me! It's mint. (laughter) PROFESSOR Turn it off. She does. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Okay, so what party did President Taft belong to? Anyone? Mary-Kate is clearly asleep with her eyes open. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Mary-Kate, you are clearly asleep with your eyes open. MARY-KATE (mumbling) ...huminah... PROFESSOR That's not a word. MARY-KATE ...taco-party... PROFESSOR Taco party? MARY-KATE ...I'll-show-you-a-taco-party... PROFESSOR Taft was not in the taco party. MARY-KATE ...YOU-throw-a-taco-party... PROFESSOR I'm not throwing a taco party. MARY-KATE ...I-have-no-ROOM-for-a-taco-party. PROFESSOR You have plenty of room for a taco party! MARY-KATE ...no-I-don't... PROFESSOR YES YOU DO! MARY-KATE ...no-I-don't-there's-a-dog-everywh ere... PROFESSOR There's a DOG everywhere? There's no room in your 26-bedroom apartment for a taco party because there's a DOG- forget it. I'm not arguing with your dream. MARY-KATE ...gracias... PROFESSOR Just go to sleep. Go to sleep, and stop disturbing the class. Mary-Kate enters his frame, sleepwalking. PROFESSOR (CONT.) You're sleepwalking now?! LIMOR Don't wake her up. JEREMY Yeah, it's dangerous. PROFESSOR Fine. (gathering himself) So William Howard Taft belonged to the Republican party. He believed in small government, and thus angered a lot of his liberal republican peers, who went on to form the Progressive party. As he talks, Mary-Kate draws an elaborate picture of him on the whiteboard as THE PLANET EARTH EATING SATURN AND MARS. When he finally sees it, he SNAPS and grabs her by the arm. PROFESSOR Mary-Kate! She screams. He screams. The whole class screams. MARY-KATE Oooh. I feel refreshed! End.