Very Mary-Kate: Sleeping in Class

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          ESTABLISHING SHOT: We're on PROFESSOR's torso as he
          straightens his tie.

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          The class settles.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Okay, let's get started. 
                         (noticing)
                    No Mary-Kate.  Well, that's one
                    good thing ever.

          From outside the class, we hear:

                              MARY-KATE (O.S.)
                    I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming,
                    I'm coming-

          MARY-KATE enters.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    I'm coming, I'm coming-

          She sits.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    I'm here.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Oh good.  Hope felt strange.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (setting up)
                    Pencil out.  Book open. 
                         (opening a Diet Coke and
                         sniffing it)
                    Coke sniffed.  Fat professor fat. 
                    Here we go.  Learning time.

                              PROFESSOR
                    So-

          We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep, head
          back, snoring.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (out of a dream)
                    But I don't have heals in your
                    size, drag queen John Goodman.

                              PROFESSOR
                    That's a very elaborate dream to
                    have in no time.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (embarrassed)
                    Sorry.  Normally I can't get to
                    sleep without a noisemaker.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Now-

          We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep again,
          this time with a NOISEMAKER in front of her making LOUD
          JUNGLE SOUNDS.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Mary-Kate!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Do you not like "jungle?"  It has
                    lots of options:

          The noisemaker makes these noises as she announces them.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Ocean, brook, rainforest, press
                    conference, theme song, white
                    noise...

                              NOISEMAKER
                         (man)
                    Is there a special little something
                    in this caprese salad?
                         (woman)
                    You got me!  It's mint.
                         (laughter)

                              PROFESSOR
                    Turn it off.

          She does.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Okay, so what party did President
                    Taft belong to?  Anyone?

          Mary-Kate is clearly asleep with her eyes open.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Mary-Kate, you are clearly asleep
                    with your eyes open.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (mumbling)
                    ...huminah...

                              PROFESSOR
                    That's not a word.

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...taco-party...

                              PROFESSOR
                    Taco party?

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...I'll-show-you-a-taco-party...

                              PROFESSOR
                    Taft was not in the taco party.

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...YOU-throw-a-taco-party...

                              PROFESSOR
                    I'm not throwing a taco party.

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...I-have-no-ROOM-for-a-taco-party.

                              PROFESSOR
                    You have plenty of room for a taco
                    party!

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...no-I-don't...

                              PROFESSOR
                    YES YOU DO!

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...no-I-don't-there's-a-dog-everywh
                    ere...

                              PROFESSOR
                    There's a DOG everywhere?  There's
                    no room in your 26-bedroom
                    apartment for a taco party because
                    there's a DOG- forget it.  I'm not
                    arguing with your dream.

                              MARY-KATE
                    ...gracias...

                              PROFESSOR
                    Just go to sleep.  Go to sleep, and
                    stop disturbing the class.

          Mary-Kate enters his frame, sleepwalking.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    You're sleepwalking now?!

                              LIMOR
                    Don't wake her up.

                              JEREMY
                    Yeah, it's dangerous.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Fine. 
                         (gathering himself)
                    So William Howard Taft belonged to
                    the Republican party.  He believed
                    in small government, and thus
                    angered a lot of his liberal
                    republican peers, who went on to
                    form the Progressive party.

          As he talks, Mary-Kate draws an elaborate picture of him on
          the whiteboard as THE PLANET EARTH EATING SATURN AND MARS. 
          When he finally sees it, he SNAPS and grabs her by the arm.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Mary-Kate!

          She screams.  He screams.  The whole class screams.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh.  I feel refreshed!

          End.