Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
ESTABLISHING SHOT: We're on PROFESSOR's torso as he
straightens his tie.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
The class settles.
Okay, let's get started.
No Mary-Kate. Well, that's one
good thing ever.
From outside the class, we hear:
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming-
Oh good. Hope felt strange.
Pencil out. Book open.
(opening a Diet Coke and
Coke sniffed. Fat professor fat.
Here we go. Learning time.
We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep, head
(out of a dream)
But I don't have heals in your
size, drag queen John Goodman.
That's a very elaborate dream to
have in no time.
Sorry. Normally I can't get to
sleep without a noisemaker.
We cut back to Mary-Kate, who's immediately asleep again,
this time with a NOISEMAKER in front of her making LOUD
Do you not like "jungle?" It has
lots of options:
The noisemaker makes these noises as she announces them.
Ocean, brook, rainforest, press
conference, theme song, white
Is there a special little something
in this caprese salad?
You got me! It's mint.
Turn it off.
Okay, so what party did President
Taft belong to? Anyone?
Mary-Kate is clearly asleep with her eyes open.
Mary-Kate, you are clearly asleep
with your eyes open.
That's not a word.
Taft was not in the taco party.
I'm not throwing a taco party.
You have plenty of room for a taco
YES YOU DO!
There's a DOG everywhere? There's
no room in your 26-bedroom
apartment for a taco party because
there's a DOG- forget it. I'm not
arguing with your dream.
Just go to sleep. Go to sleep, and
stop disturbing the class.
Mary-Kate enters his frame, sleepwalking.
You're sleepwalking now?!
Don't wake her up.
Yeah, it's dangerous.
So William Howard Taft belonged to
the Republican party. He believed
in small government, and thus
angered a lot of his liberal
republican peers, who went on to
form the Progressive party.
As he talks, Mary-Kate draws an elaborate picture of him on
the whiteboard as THE PLANET EARTH EATING SATURN AND MARS.
When he finally sees it, he SNAPS and grabs her by the arm.
She screams. He screams. The whole class screams.
Oooh. I feel refreshed!