Wild American Eagle Models

By

Ben Joseph

          NOTE: To be shot in a NATURALISTIC, DOCUMENTARY style.

          EXT. FIELD

          A golden field of high grass. GREG, rustic and folksy in
          camo, carries photo equipment into the field.

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    My name's Greg Treschuk, I'm a
                    freelance nature photographer.

                              GREG
                         (to camera)
                    This looks like a good spot.

          On a DUCK CALL, Greg plays a few notes of Dave Matthew's
          "Satellite."

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    And I'm here to shoot the rare
                    American Eagle...

          Camera ZOOMS to a point in the field. Young, attractive
          MODELS in AMERICAN EAGLE CLOTHES poke their heads up.

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    ...model.

          They run toward camera. Their movement is a silly mix of
          MODEL POSING and SUDDEN DEER-LIKE MOVEMENTS.

                              GREG
                         (hushed tones)
                    Oh yeah, this is some great stuff.

          INT. GREG'S STUDIO - TALKING HEAD INTERVIEW

          Greg reviews some FINISHED AD CAMPAIGNS.

                              GREG
                    These are all my work. Models
                    aren't hard to find once you know
                    where to look. Old barns,
                    waterfalls, abandoned steel mills.

          INT./EXT. BARN

          Greg follows an old FARMER who leads him into an old barn.

                               FARMER
                    Tried taser, rat poison, shotgun,
                    nothing seems to scare 'em.

          Inside the barn, four MODELS crawl over some piles of hay.

                              GREG
                    Wow, look at the ethnic ambiguity
                    here. Really prime specimens.

          Greg snaps some shots. The models, spooked, contort
          themselves over the hay bales. One hangs his arms on a
          rafter and pouts.

                              GREG
                         (pointing)
                    Look how defined the "V" of that
                    one's pelvic bone is. He's
                    definitely the alpha.

          QUICK SHOTS of Greg, in nature, shooting oblivious models
          wearing the following:

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    Wool scarves with no shirts, snow
                    pants and sandals, wet-suits
                    bottoms and messenger bags... It's
                    like they're trying to mimic human
                    behavior, but just can't get it
                    right.

          INT. BARN

          Greg points to a model incongruously holding a SURFBOARD.

                              GREG
                         (points)
                    Look, that one's carrying a
                    surfboard. He has no idea what to
                    do with it.

                              FARMER
                         (noticing something outside)
                    Ah, shoot, they're up on my Chevy
                    again.

          The farmer picks up his PITCHFORK.

                              GREG
                         (to camera)
                    They love vintage cars.

          Camera follow farmer outside, where three models contort and
          pose on the back of a VINTAGE CONVERTIBLE. The farmer scares
          them off with his pitchfork.

                              FARMER
                    Get on out of here, ya tight-abbed,
                    sun-kissed varmints!

          INT. GREG'S STUDIO

                              GREG
                    When I was younger, I went out
                    after American Apparel models-

          INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

          An ASIAN GIRL in a WEIRD SPANDEX THING snarls at Greg from a
          DIRTY MATTRESS.

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    -but that kind of work... It just
                    ain't safe after a while.

          A PORTABLE FLASH held by a MALE ASSISTANT goes off. The
          model, furious, leaps onto him and starts tearing him apart.

          EXT. BEACH

          Four models splash each other flirtatiously while Greg takes
          pictures.

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    Their behavior, while it looks like
                    courtship, never actually ends in
                    intercourse.
                         (beat)
                    Most of the males are gay.

          CUT TO: Gary assembles an AIR RIFLE.

                              GARY
                         (as he builds it)
                    Every once in a while, they'll ask
                    me to dart one and send it back to
                    the store for display purposes.

          Gary shoots a dart into the neck of a male model awkwardly
          building a sand castle. It collapses.

          INT. AMERICAN EAGLE STORE

          The model, scared and confused, stands chained to a rack of
          jeans. He freaks out as a TEEN GIRL admires his scarf.

                              GARY (V.O.)
                    Breaks my heart.

          EXT. FARM

          Gary shoots some models playing around an OLD TRACTOR. He
          pauses, looking up from behind his camera.

                              GARY (V.O.)
                         (wistful)
                    Sometimes, behind the perpetual
                    vague disinterest, you think you
                    see a glimmer of human
                    intelligence.

          One male model starts LICKING A TREE. Gary frowns.

                              GARY (V.O.)
                    Then you remember, no, they're
                    nothing but big, dumb, beautiful
                    animals.

          END.

          POST-HUH:

          Gary's exactly where we left him.

                              GARY
                    God, I want to f*#k them.