Very Mary-Kate: Pills

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. APARTMENT - DAY

          MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are at the kitchen counter.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Your mango smoothie is ready.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Um... did you not have your meds
                    this morning?  I need my meds this
                    morning.

                              BODYGUARD
                    We're out. 

                              MARY-KATE
                    Out?

                              BODYGUARD
                    You made me make you GORP last
                    night, but it was just drugs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Everyone makes GORP different. 
                    Some people use M&MS, some people
                    just use drugs, some people don't
                    use M&Ms.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, like I said, no more drugs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I keep a bunch of spares in my
                    purse.  Hand me my purse?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Which purse?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Doesn't matter.

          He does, from O.S.  She pours out a bunch of bottles onto
          the table.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What are those?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I don't know.  I write over the
                    names with when to take them.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Like Monday?  Tuesday?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Like "Sleep."  I take these to go
                    to sleep.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Ah.

                              MARY-KATE
                    "Wake up."  I take these to wake
                    up.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Makes sense.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I take these when I go shopping, so
                    I don't overspend.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Those are the sleep ones again.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Yeah.  I take these when I go
                    online shopping, to remember my
                    credit card information.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Why don't you just look at your
                    credit card?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I do, but by the time I look back
                    at my computer... whoosh, gone.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Got it.

                              MARY-KATE
                    These are ones I take just to,
                    like, not die.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That seems important.

          She rattles the bottle.  There's clearly only one pill in
          there.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah... I have to remember to get a
                    refill of these.

          She pops a memory pill.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Are there any side effects?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, this memory pill makes me
                    sleepy.  But then I just take my
                    awake pill, which makes me
                    nauseous.  But then I just take my
                    nausea pill, which makes me
                    nauseous.  But then I just take my
                    nausea pill, which makes me
                    nauseous.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You're repeating yourself.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I have a pill for that!

          She pops a pill.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Uh-oh.  Dry mouth.

          She pops a pill.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Uh-oh.  Shark mouth.

          She pops a pill.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    There.  Duck mouth.  See?  It's all
                    about finding the right balance.

          She abruptly falls onto the counter, seemingly dead.

                              BODYGUARD
                    AH!  Mary-Kate?!

          He picks her up by the hair to find her wide-eyed.

                              BODYGUARD (CONT.)
                    AH!

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm okay!  I've just lost all
                    muscle control.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What do I do?

                              MARY-KATE
                    See that bottle there?

                              BODYGUARD
                         (picking it up)
                    This one?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Chew up one of those pills and spit
                    it into my mouth.

                              BODYGUARD
                    No.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Okay.  Okay.  No problem.  Just put
                    it in my butt.

                              BODYGUARD
                    No.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Okay.  But I'm going to tell you
                    right now: the options just get
                    grosser.

          Bodyguard chews up the pill and gives it to Mary-Kate
          CPR-style.  She pops back to life.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phew!  I'm okay!  You okay?

          Cut back to Bodyguard, shuddering, traumatized.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    I have a pill for that.

          End.