From CH Staff on
Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY PROFESSOR addresses the UNIVERSITY BOARD. PROFESSOR Hi everyone. I'm Bill Bines. I'm the chair of the history department. I'm here to- We hear a noise from under the table. MARY-KATE (O.S.) Psst! PROFESSOR I'm here to- MARY-KATE (O.S.) Psst! Fat professor! PROFESSOR Just a second. I dropped a pencil. He realizes he hasn't, and then drops a pencil. He bends down to find Mary-Kate under the table. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Two options: you're here, or I'm crazy. I can't believe this, but I hope I'm crazy. MARY-KATE I saw you practicing your presentation, and it was boring dot com slash snoring slash ignoring you they're gonna be, so I spruced it up! PROFESSOR (horrified) Define "spruce." MARY-KATE (sigh) Country of origin? BOARD MEMBER Bill, we're waiting. MARY-KATE Plan B is to tie everyone's shoelaces together. PROFESSOR How is that a plan B? BOARD MEMBER Bill! He rises. PROFESSOR Hi everyone. I... couldn't find the pencil. He realizes he's holding it, and drops it again. He begins the presentation. Slide one is the NYU logo. PROFESSOR (CONT.) NYU has a long history of having a great history department. The board members chuckle. Slide two. It's the NYU logo again, but the torch is circled and Mary-Kate's crude handwriting reads "TORCHES IN CLASSROOMS!" and, smaller, "IT'S BRRR." PROFESSOR (CONT.) (carefully) But now we need to pass the torch down to the next generation. The board members look pleased enough. Slide three: A line graph shows declining attendance. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Attendance has declined sharply in the last five years. Slide four: Mary-Kate has defaced the graph to include another line that shows "FAT PROFESSOR FATNESS" increasing. PROFESSOR (CONT.) While us professors are increasingly - hungry - for the opportunity to teach. The board members look concerned. Slide five: A history text book. PROFESSOR (CONT.) It's no coincidence that our text books haven't been updated since 2005. Slide six: A crude Photoshop job. The history text book is on the back of a unicorn, holding a trident and yelling in a word bubble "DREEEAAAMS!" PROFESSOR (CONT.) What the- (recovering) -point of this image is... is that our students need to be able to pursue their dreams. Slide seven: The text book on unicorn is now in a battle with a giant butterfly. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Uh... We can't fight the changing... butterfly... times. Slide eight: The text book slays the butterfly with its trident. It's gruesome. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Or we'll lose. Slide nine: The text book stands triumphantly atop the carcass of the slain butterfly. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Yup. Lose. BOARD MEMBER Bill, is there a point to all this? PROFESSOR I'm getting to it. So- Slide ten: We're outside an apartment. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Oh no. BOARD MEMBER Oh no? PROFESSOR (recovering) Oh, no student should have outdated history books, or... He rushes through the next several slides, which are of Mary-Kate breaking into his apartment in the middle of the night, and him commanding her out in his underwear. PROFESSOR (CONT.) (giving up) ...they will break into our apartment in the middle of the night and take pictures of us in our underwear, and post them to Facebook, which we don't understand well enough to control our privacy settings. Silence. BOARD MEMBER Impressive, Bill. Very... imaginative. We'll take this into consideration. PROFESSOR (shocked) Really? Thanks so much. BOARD MEMBER So that's lunch- The board members rise, only to fall over, shoelaces tied together. MARY-KATE (under desk) I got started a little early on Plan B. End.