Very Mary-Kate: Professor's Presentation

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          PROFESSOR addresses the UNIVERSITY BOARD.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Hi everyone.  I'm Bill Bines.  I'm
                    the chair of the history
                    department.  I'm here to-

          We hear a noise from under the table.

                              MARY-KATE (O.S.)
                    Psst!

                              PROFESSOR
                    I'm here to-

                              MARY-KATE (O.S.)
                    Psst!  Fat professor!

                              PROFESSOR
                    Just a second.  I dropped a pencil.

          He realizes he hasn't, and then drops a pencil.  He bends
          down to find Mary-Kate under the table.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Two options: you're here, or I'm
                    crazy.  I can't believe this, but I
                    hope I'm crazy.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I saw you practicing your
                    presentation, and it was boring dot
                    com slash snoring slash ignoring
                    you they're gonna be, so I spruced
                    it up!

                              PROFESSOR
                         (horrified)
                    Define "spruce."

                              MARY-KATE
                         (sigh)
                    Country of origin?

                              BOARD MEMBER
                    Bill, we're waiting.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Plan B is to tie everyone's
                    shoelaces together.

                              PROFESSOR
                    How is that a plan B?

                              BOARD MEMBER
                    Bill!

          He rises.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Hi everyone.  I... couldn't find
                    the pencil.

          He realizes he's holding it, and drops it again.  He begins
          the presentation. 

          Slide one is the NYU logo.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    NYU has a long history of having a
                    great history department.

          The board members chuckle. 

          Slide two.  It's the NYU logo again, but the torch is
          circled and Mary-Kate's crude handwriting reads "TORCHES IN
          CLASSROOMS!" and, smaller, "IT'S BRRR."

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                         (carefully)
                    But now we need to pass the torch
                    down to the next generation.

          The board members look pleased enough.

          Slide three: A line graph shows declining attendance.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Attendance has declined sharply in
                    the last five years.

          Slide four: Mary-Kate has defaced the graph to include
          another line that shows "FAT PROFESSOR FATNESS" increasing.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    While us professors are
                    increasingly - hungry - for the
                    opportunity to teach.

          The board members look concerned.

          Slide five: A history text book.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    It's no coincidence that our text
                    books haven't been updated since
                    2005.

          Slide six: A crude Photoshop job.  The history text book is
          on the back of a unicorn, holding a trident and yelling in a
          word bubble "DREEEAAAMS!"

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    What the-
                         (recovering)
                    -point of this image is... is that
                    our students need to be able to
                    pursue their dreams.

          Slide seven: The text book on unicorn is now in a battle
          with a giant butterfly.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Uh... We can't fight the
                    changing... butterfly... times.

          Slide eight: The text book slays the butterfly with its
          trident.  It's gruesome.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Or we'll lose.

          Slide nine: The text book stands triumphantly atop the
          carcass of the slain butterfly.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Yup.  Lose.

                              BOARD MEMBER
                    Bill, is there a point to all this?

                              PROFESSOR
                    I'm getting to it.  So-

          Slide ten: We're outside an apartment.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Oh no.

                              BOARD MEMBER
                    Oh no?

                              PROFESSOR
                         (recovering)
                    Oh, no student should have outdated
                    history books, or...

          He rushes through the next several slides, which are of
          Mary-Kate breaking into his apartment in the middle of the
          night, and him commanding her out in his underwear.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                         (giving up)
                    ...they will break into our
                    apartment in the middle of the
                    night and take pictures of us in
                    our underwear, and post them to
                    Facebook, which we don't understand
                    well enough to control our privacy
                    settings.

          Silence.

                              BOARD MEMBER
                    Impressive, Bill.  Very...
                    imaginative.  We'll take this into
                    consideration.

                              PROFESSOR
                         (shocked)
                    Really?  Thanks so much.

                              BOARD MEMBER
                    So that's lunch-

          The board members rise, only to fall over, shoelaces tied
          together.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (under desk)
                    I got started a little early on
                    Plan B.

          End.