Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
PROFESSOR addresses the UNIVERSITY BOARD.
Hi everyone. I'm Bill Bines. I'm
the chair of the history
department. I'm here to-
We hear a noise from under the table.
I'm here to-
Psst! Fat professor!
Just a second. I dropped a pencil.
He realizes he hasn't, and then drops a pencil. He bends
down to find Mary-Kate under the table.
Two options: you're here, or I'm
crazy. I can't believe this, but I
hope I'm crazy.
I saw you practicing your
presentation, and it was boring dot
com slash snoring slash ignoring
you they're gonna be, so I spruced
Country of origin?
Bill, we're waiting.
Plan B is to tie everyone's
How is that a plan B?
Hi everyone. I... couldn't find
He realizes he's holding it, and drops it again. He begins
Slide one is the NYU logo.
NYU has a long history of having a
great history department.
The board members chuckle.
Slide two. It's the NYU logo again, but the torch is
circled and Mary-Kate's crude handwriting reads "TORCHES IN
CLASSROOMS!" and, smaller, "IT'S BRRR."
But now we need to pass the torch
down to the next generation.
The board members look pleased enough.
Slide three: A line graph shows declining attendance.
Attendance has declined sharply in
the last five years.
Slide four: Mary-Kate has defaced the graph to include
another line that shows "FAT PROFESSOR FATNESS" increasing.
While us professors are
increasingly - hungry - for the
opportunity to teach.
The board members look concerned.
Slide five: A history text book.
It's no coincidence that our text
books haven't been updated since
Slide six: A crude Photoshop job. The history text book is
on the back of a unicorn, holding a trident and yelling in a
word bubble "DREEEAAAMS!"
-point of this image is... is that
our students need to be able to
pursue their dreams.
Slide seven: The text book on unicorn is now in a battle
with a giant butterfly.
Uh... We can't fight the
changing... butterfly... times.
Slide eight: The text book slays the butterfly with its
trident. It's gruesome.
Or we'll lose.
Slide nine: The text book stands triumphantly atop the
carcass of the slain butterfly.
Bill, is there a point to all this?
I'm getting to it. So-
Slide ten: We're outside an apartment.
Oh, no student should have outdated
history books, or...
He rushes through the next several slides, which are of
Mary-Kate breaking into his apartment in the middle of the
night, and him commanding her out in his underwear.
...they will break into our
apartment in the middle of the
night and take pictures of us in
our underwear, and post them to
Facebook, which we don't understand
well enough to control our privacy
Impressive, Bill. Very...
imaginative. We'll take this into
Really? Thanks so much.
So that's lunch-
The board members rise, only to fall over, shoelaces tied
I got started a little early on