From CH Staff on
It's the last app you'll ever buy, because you'll hate them after this one.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. HIP RESTAURANT A breezy tech ad. The "There's An App For That" music plays. EMILY, STREET and PAT, three New Yorkers, eat brunch. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) You're a vaguely tech-literate 20-something. Let's face it: you've got a lot of ideas for iPhone apps. But just how brilliant is your latest spark of digital inspiration? Emily has an idea for an app. She grabs her smart phone and activates The App App: it's primarily a large digital button that reads, "GOOD APP IDEA?" ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Find out, when you download the App App, available for your iPhone or Droid! EMILY (into phone; eager) An app that converts your texts into voicemails. APP APP (loud and electronic) NO. Emily reacts as all our actors will: taken aback, a funny mix of mild confusion and disappointment. She whispers, "Jesus." EXT. PROSPECT PARK -- DAY JOSH and JENNY go for a walk, chatting. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The App App is the app for anyone who's ever said: "I should totally make that app!" Josh mouths, "I should totally make that app!" to Jenny as the announcer says it. He activates his App App. JOSH An app that tells you when a specific bathroom is most likely to be empty! APP APP NO. INT. APARTMENT -- DAY CRAIG, AMIR and DAVID chill, drink some brew-dogs, yo. CRAIG An inside joke generator. APP APP NO. BACK TO RESTAURANT PAT An app that shows you what you'd look like in four months. STREET An app that tells you how many calories your meal isn't. APP APP NO./NO. BACK TO PARK JENNY An app that scrambles police signals. APP APP ILLEGAL. BACK TO APARTMENT DAVID It's a fan, and it blows air through the ear hole. APP APP IMPOSSIBLE. EMILY It turns your pictures into movies. APP APP WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? ANNOUNCER (V.O.) It's the fast, easy tool for those times you're convinced, oh my God, you've seriously just come up with the next Angry Birds. AMIR It's Flickr but for Videos. APP APP THAT'S VIMEO. AMIR Okay, it's Instagram but it makes your photos look old. APP APP THAT'S STILL INSTAGRAM. Josh scrolls down to some new buttons on the App App. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Switch settings and the App App will tell you how many millions of dollars your app idea is going to make you. Josh presses a "HOW MANY MILLION$?" button. JOSH An app that shows you what you'd look like with a fedora on. APP APP ZERO. STREETER A dating app just for people with freckles. APP APP ZERO. DAVID A funny cat purr translator. APP APP NO. Hold on a sad David for long, awkward beat. Finally we resume with faster cuts between the characters, the audio of their ideas stylistically bleeding into one other: STREET An app that lets you compare your belly button with your friends'. JENNY That makes commercials louder. CRAIG A better iFart. JOSH It crashes your phone. That's it. APP APP NO./NO./SHUT UP./NO. The last "no" zaps Josh a little. "ZZZZT!" JOSH Ow. FINALLY, CUT TO RESTAURANT EMILY Yelp for your dog. APP APP That's not that bad. EMILY Really?! APP APP Which is why it already exists, obviously. EMILY Shit. CUT TO THE APP APP LOGO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Download the App App today. Because most app ideas suck. Not this one though, right? RIGHT?! END.