The App App

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. HIP RESTAURANT

          A breezy tech ad. The "There's An App For That" music plays.
          EMILY, STREET and PAT, three New Yorkers, eat brunch.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    You're a vaguely tech-literate
                    20-something. Let's face it: you've
                    got a lot of ideas for iPhone apps.
                    But just how brilliant is your
                    latest spark of digital
                    inspiration?

          Emily has an idea for an app. She grabs her smart phone and
          activates The App App: it's primarily a large digital button
          that reads, "GOOD APP IDEA?"

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Find out, when you download the App
                    App, available for your iPhone or
                    Droid!

                              EMILY
                         (into phone; eager)
                    An app that converts your texts
                    into voicemails.

                              APP APP
                         (loud and electronic)
                    NO.

          Emily reacts as all our actors will: taken aback, a funny
          mix of mild confusion and disappointment. She whispers,
          "Jesus."

          EXT. PROSPECT PARK -- DAY

          JOSH and JENNY go for a walk, chatting.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    The App App is the app for anyone
                    who's ever said: "I should totally
                    make that app!"

          Josh mouths, "I should totally make that app!" to Jenny as
          the announcer says it. He activates his App App.

                              JOSH
                    An app that tells you when a
                    specific bathroom is most likely to
                    be empty!

                              APP APP
                    NO.

          INT. APARTMENT -- DAY

          CRAIG, AMIR and DAVID chill, drink some brew-dogs, yo.

                              CRAIG
                    An inside joke generator.

                              APP APP
                    NO.

          BACK TO RESTAURANT

                              PAT
                    An app that shows you what you'd
                    look like in four months.

                              STREET
                    An app that tells you how many
                    calories your meal isn't.

                              APP APP
                    NO./NO.

          BACK TO PARK

                              JENNY
                    An app that scrambles police
                    signals.

                              APP APP
                    ILLEGAL.

          BACK TO APARTMENT

                              DAVID
                    It's a fan, and it blows air
                    through the ear hole.

                              APP APP
                    IMPOSSIBLE.

                              EMILY
                    It turns your pictures into movies.

                              APP APP
                    WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    It's the fast, easy tool for those
                    times you're convinced, oh my God,
                    you've seriously just come up with
                    the next Angry Birds.

                              AMIR
                    It's Flickr but for Videos.

                              APP APP
                    THAT'S VIMEO.

                              AMIR
                    Okay, it's Instagram but it makes
                    your photos look old.

                              APP APP
                    THAT'S STILL INSTAGRAM.

          Josh scrolls down to some new buttons on the App App.

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Switch settings and the App App
                    will tell you how many millions of
                    dollars your app idea is going to
                    make you.

          Josh presses a "HOW MANY MILLION$?" button.

                              JOSH
                    An app that shows you what you'd
                    look like with a fedora on.

                              APP APP
                    ZERO.

                              STREETER
                    A dating app just for people with
                    freckles.

                              APP APP
                    ZERO.

                              DAVID
                    A funny cat purr translator.

                              APP APP
                    NO.

          Hold on a sad David for long, awkward beat. Finally we
          resume with faster cuts between the characters, the audio of
          their ideas stylistically bleeding into one other:

                              STREET
                    An app that lets you compare your
                    belly button with your friends'.

                              JENNY
                    That makes commercials louder.

                              CRAIG
                    A better iFart.

                              JOSH
                    It crashes your phone. That's it.

                              APP APP
                    NO./NO./SHUT UP./NO.

          The last "no" zaps Josh a little. "ZZZZT!"

                              JOSH
                    Ow.

          FINALLY, CUT TO RESTAURANT

                              EMILY
                    Yelp for your dog.

                              APP APP
                    That's not that bad.

                              EMILY
                    Really?!

                              APP APP
                    Which is why it already exists,
                    obviously.

                              EMILY
                    Shit.

          CUT TO THE APP APP LOGO

                              ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Download the App App today. Because
                    most app ideas suck. Not this one
                    though, right? RIGHT?!

          END.