Troopers: Tractor Beam

By

Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels

          INT. DREADCRUISER - TRACTOR BEAM CONTROL STATION

          RICH and LARRY sit at a console, looking PAST CAMERA out an
          observation window. This place looks kind of like their
          normal workstation except for a large, central LEVER.

                              LARRY
                    I can't believe we have to cover
                    Chase's shift. Nobody has it worse
                    than us!

                              RICH
                    Chase was crushed by a crate of
                    frozen meatballs.

                              LARRY
                         (defensive)
                    I love meatballs!

                              CARGO VESSEL 1 (V.O.)
                    This is Legion cargo vessel 818,
                    requesting tractor beam pull. Over.

                              LARRY
                    Yeah, we gotcha, 818.
                         (to Rich; pressing buttons)
                    Okay, we just target the vessel,
                    power up the beam, and eeeeease
                    them in.

          Larry pulls the lever VERY FAST.

                              CARGO VESSEL 1 (V.O.)
                    TOO FAST TOO FAST TOO F--

          There's a quick "whoosh" followed by an EXPLOSION and BRIGHT
          FIERY FLASH as the ship crashes into the Dreadcruiser. Rich
          and Larry stare out the window, dumbstruck.

                              LARRY
                    Oh my God! I just killed everyone
                    on that ship.

                              RICH
                    No, no, when it has a crew of over
                    2000, it's a frigate.
                         (enunciating)
                    A frigate.

                              LARRY
                    I- I'll never get over this.

                              CARGO VESSEL 2 (V.O.)
                    This is cargo vessel 442,
                    requesting tractor pull.

                              LARRY
                         (instantly happy)
                    Loud and clear! We gotcha!

          Larry goes for the lever. Rich, panicked, stops him.

                              RICH
                    Why don't you let someone who
                    hasn't committed genocide yet
                    handle this one.

          Rich ever-so-delicately controls the tractor beam.

                              RICH
                    See, you carefully line 'em up.
                    Then, not-too-fast, pull 'em in,
                    really gently-

          Rich pulls the lever smoothly. The ship EXPLODES.

                              RICH
                         (not missing a beat)
                    -but make sure the door is open
                    first. Which I did not. Do.

                              LARRY
                         (pointing out window)
                    Wait! That guy got out in time!
                         (beat)
                    Oh, right, no, he's definitely
                    dead. Because of space.

                              RICH
                    Maybe we should consult the
                    instruction manual.

          Larry pulls a small booklet from under the console.

                              RICH
                    That looks easy.

                              LARRY
                    Actually, this is the manual for
                    the manual.

          Larry heaves up an IMPOSSIBLY THICK BOOK.

                              RICH
                    How do you even open that thing?

                              LARRY
                    I will check.

          Larry opens the small booklet.

                              CARGO VESSEL 3
                         (a super dry voice)
                    This is the cargo vessel Susie Q.
                    We are out out of power and adrift,
                    requesting rescue pull.

                              LARRY
                    One second please.
                         (reading, to himself)
                    Almost finished the dedication.

          Long beat. Larry turns to Rich.

                              LARRY
                    It's to his wife.

                              RICH
                    Forget the manual!

          Rich tries to dramatically sweep it off the table, but it
          doesn't budge. Rich recoils in pain.

                              RICH
                    Look, we'll save you! Just need to,
                    uh, press this and adjust that- OK!

          Rich pulls the lever.

                              CARGO VESSEL 3 (V.O.)
                         (still dry and calm)
                    Alright, great. And you seem to be,
                    uh, pushing us away, actually...

          Larry and Rich, alarmed, frantically press buttons.

                              CARGO VESSEL 3 (V.O.)
                    ...Okay, still pushing us away...
                    No engines, remind you... Uh, we're
                    almost out of range... We are now
                    out of range and we're dead...
                    Doomed to die in the abyss... Radio
                    should be cutting out any second
                    so... (static) all your fault
                    (static)

          Larry and Rich, looking out the window, follow the doomed
          ship with their heads as its captain breaks up. Beat.

                              RICH
                    We have destroyed just so many
                    ships. And lives. We have no
                    choice. We need to go to Dreadlord
                    and tell him someone else did this.

                              LARRY
                    I miss Chase!

                              RICH
                    Don't worry. Nobody will know.

          Just as they reach the door, the radio comes back on:

                              CARGO VESSEL 4 (V.O.)
                    Tractor Beam Control, this is cargo
                    vessel 388. I just saw you guys
                    pretty much murder three crews. I'm
                    gonna have to report this to--

          Larry runs back inside and quickly pulls the lever.

                              CARGO VESSEL 4 (V.O.)
                    OHMIGOD N--

          Another explosion.

                              LARRY
                         (hands up)
                    Sorry! Last one!

          END.