From CH Staff on
Rich and Larry's new job puts thousands of lives in their hands, unfortunately.
By Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels
INT. DREADCRUISER - TRACTOR BEAM CONTROL STATION RICH and LARRY sit at a console, looking PAST CAMERA out an observation window. This place looks kind of like their normal workstation except for a large, central LEVER. LARRY I can't believe we have to cover Chase's shift. Nobody has it worse than us! RICH Chase was crushed by a crate of frozen meatballs. LARRY (defensive) I love meatballs! CARGO VESSEL 1 (V.O.) This is Legion cargo vessel 818, requesting tractor beam pull. Over. LARRY Yeah, we gotcha, 818. (to Rich; pressing buttons) Okay, we just target the vessel, power up the beam, and eeeeease them in. Larry pulls the lever VERY FAST. CARGO VESSEL 1 (V.O.) TOO FAST TOO FAST TOO F-- There's a quick "whoosh" followed by an EXPLOSION and BRIGHT FIERY FLASH as the ship crashes into the Dreadcruiser. Rich and Larry stare out the window, dumbstruck. LARRY Oh my God! I just killed everyone on that ship. RICH No, no, when it has a crew of over 2000, it's a frigate. (enunciating) A frigate. LARRY I- I'll never get over this. CARGO VESSEL 2 (V.O.) This is cargo vessel 442, requesting tractor pull. LARRY (instantly happy) Loud and clear! We gotcha! Larry goes for the lever. Rich, panicked, stops him. RICH Why don't you let someone who hasn't committed genocide yet handle this one. Rich ever-so-delicately controls the tractor beam. RICH See, you carefully line 'em up. Then, not-too-fast, pull 'em in, really gently- Rich pulls the lever smoothly. The ship EXPLODES. RICH (not missing a beat) -but make sure the door is open first. Which I did not. Do. LARRY (pointing out window) Wait! That guy got out in time! (beat) Oh, right, no, he's definitely dead. Because of space. RICH Maybe we should consult the instruction manual. Larry pulls a small booklet from under the console. RICH That looks easy. LARRY Actually, this is the manual for the manual. Larry heaves up an IMPOSSIBLY THICK BOOK. RICH How do you even open that thing? LARRY I will check. Larry opens the small booklet. CARGO VESSEL 3 (a super dry voice) This is the cargo vessel Susie Q. We are out out of power and adrift, requesting rescue pull. LARRY One second please. (reading, to himself) Almost finished the dedication. Long beat. Larry turns to Rich. LARRY It's to his wife. RICH Forget the manual! Rich tries to dramatically sweep it off the table, but it doesn't budge. Rich recoils in pain. RICH Look, we'll save you! Just need to, uh, press this and adjust that- OK! Rich pulls the lever. CARGO VESSEL 3 (V.O.) (still dry and calm) Alright, great. And you seem to be, uh, pushing us away, actually... Larry and Rich, alarmed, frantically press buttons. CARGO VESSEL 3 (V.O.) ...Okay, still pushing us away... No engines, remind you... Uh, we're almost out of range... We are now out of range and we're dead... Doomed to die in the abyss... Radio should be cutting out any second so... (static) all your fault (static) Larry and Rich, looking out the window, follow the doomed ship with their heads as its captain breaks up. Beat. RICH We have destroyed just so many ships. And lives. We have no choice. We need to go to Dreadlord and tell him someone else did this. LARRY I miss Chase! RICH Don't worry. Nobody will know. Just as they reach the door, the radio comes back on: CARGO VESSEL 4 (V.O.) Tractor Beam Control, this is cargo vessel 388. I just saw you guys pretty much murder three crews. I'm gonna have to report this to-- Larry runs back inside and quickly pulls the lever. CARGO VESSEL 4 (V.O.) OHMIGOD N-- Another explosion. LARRY (hands up) Sorry! Last one! END.