Hardly Working: The Human GIF

By

Patrick Cassels & Josh Ruben

          INT. SAM'S OFFICE

          SAM works at his desk.  He looks extremely excited.  Pat
          enters, knocking, looking at his phone.

                              PAT
                    Hey Sam, you uh called me 15 times?

                              SAM
                    Pat!  Pat!  Pat!  Have a seat.

                              PAT
                    Wow, what's up?

                              SAM
                    I've been thinking about what you
                    said.  About how GIFs are blowing
                    up on the World Wide Net.  So
                    here's my pitch:  CollegeHumor
                    GIFs!  I though of the name myself.

                              PAT
                    Oh, cool.  Yeah, we should get in
                    touch with an animator--

                              SAM
                    Animator?  No no, why would we do
                    that when we have Josh?

                              PAT
                    Josh?

          REALLY QUICK PAN to Josh, suddenly next to Pat.

                              JOSH
                    Hey!

                              PAT
                    Ah!

                              SAM
                    I've promoted Josh to senior GIF
                    performer.

                              PAT
                    What does that mean?

                              SAM
                    Josh, show 'em!

          Josh looks up from the pad he was writing on, looks at Pat
          with a corny smile, then robotically repeats the maneuver on
          a loop, just like a GIF.  Kind of.  He continues doing it.

                              SAM
                    Perfect!  We're gonna be rich!

                              PAT
                    Sam, that's not how GIFs work. 
                    GIFs are, like, a series of
                    photographs that you loop with a
                    computer.

                              SAM
                    Ummmmmm, that sounds made up.  Like
                    maybe you were misled?  I'm not
                    calling you a liar.  The point is
                    we'll just film my main man Josh
                    here!  Josh, do cereal.

                              JOSH
                    You got it, Sam.

          Josh clears his throat and cracks his knuckles.  The
          cracking is really loud for some reason.

                              PAT
                         (quick whisper)
                    Jesus that was loud.

          Josh mimes a loop of bringing a spoon to his mouth, again
          with a big corny smile.  Sam bursts our laughing.

                              SAM
                    Hysterical!  We've stuck oil!

                              PAT
                    So let me get this straight: We
                    wouldn't animate anything?  We
                    would just film Josh eating cereal
                    over and over and over?

                              SAM
                    Of course not, Pat.  Josh and I
                    have perfected over 300 unique
                    GIFs.  Do you want to see them?

                              PAT
                    Definitely not--

                              SAM
                    The Turn-and-Point!

          Josh loops a cheesy turn and point with his finger.

                              SAM
                    The Turn-and-Shoot!

          Josh loops a turn and "shoot" motion with his finger.

                              SAM
                    The Shoot-and-Smirk!

          Josh loops a stupid smirk and a "shoot" motion.

                              SAM
                    The Checkin' out a Babe.

          Josh, suddenly wearing sunglasses, lowers them like a dude
          in an '80s movie.

                              SAM
                    Hands-through-Hair AKA Cool Guy.

          Josh puts his hands through his hair.

                              SAM
                    My personal favorite, Cereal.

          Josh does the cereal motion again, on a loop.

                              PAT
                    And last but not least, the "Get
                    Outta My Face!"

          Josh aggressively turns to Pat.

                              JOSH
                    GET OUTTA MY FACE!  GET OUTTA MY
                    FACE!  GET OUTTA MY FACE!

                              PAT
                    Wait, there's not talking in GIFs.

          SINGLE on Josh, now silently mouthing "Get outta my face!"
          as yellow Italicized subtitles (the type normally used for
          dialogue GIFs) appear.

          CUT TO 2-SHOT of Josh and Pat.  Pat stares at Josh's
          subtitles, amazed that he can see them.  Pat cautiously
          touches the end of one subtitle and is literally shocked.

                              PAT
                         (pulling hand back)
                    Ow!

                              SAM
                    Yeah you don't want to touch
                    those.  They were sent from God.

                              PAT
                    Sam, I admit this is -- I dunno
                    impressive?  But I don't think it's
                    gonna work.  You can't just have
                    Josh do everything.  I mean, what
                    about GIFs from movies?  Those are
                    huge.  Like the Indiana Jones one.

                              SAM
                         (waving hands at Pat)
                    Already taken care of.  Josh, do
                    the Indiana Jones...

          Josh puts on a fedora and begins doing the cereal loop once
          again.  He continues doing this as PAt and Sam Talk.

                              SAM
                    I call that "Indiana Jones and the
                    Temple of Kix."  That's K-I-X, as
                    in the breakfast cereal.

                              PAT
                         (sighs)
                    I'm not trying to be negative. 
                    But, think about it, GIFs are
                    supposed to go on endlessly.  You'd
                    have to film Josh doing it, for, I
                    don't know...

          SMASH CUT TO:

          LEGEND: 24 HOURS

          A disheveled Pat snorts himself awake, he looks over to
          Josh.

          WIDE SHOT reveals Josh is still in the fedora eating cereal.

          Pat, surprised, looks at Sam.

          REVERSE reveals Sam, leaning forward, wide awake, smiling
          and staring right at Pat.  It's almost creepy.  He moves his
          eyebrows and gives a cheese "How 'bout that!" noise.

                              PAT
                         (beat; half asleep)
                    Okay, welcome aboard.

                              JOSH
                    Awesome dude!  Awesome dude! 
                    Awesome dude!

                              PAT/SAM
                         (a burst of sudden anger)
                    ENOUGH!

          END.