Bassists Look Too Bored (with Mark Hoppus)

By

Streeter Seidell

          INT. MEETING ROOM

          A giant meeting room full of BASS PLAYERS, all idly plucking
          and talking. On stage a podium stands, shaped like a bass. A
          Banner hung above the stage reads "The International Bass
          Players Association: 'Four Strings Is All You Need!"

          MARK HOPPUS stands at the podium, trying to calm the crowd.

                              MARK
                    Bassists! Bassists, please! Stop
                    plucking.

          A SHARP SLAP BASS sting. Angle on a FUNKY BASS PLAYER
          (preferably Bootsy Collins)

                              MARK
                    That includes slapping.

                              BOOTSY
                    I'm an intergalactic sex alien.

                              MARK
                    No you're not.

          The crowd is quiet.

                              MARK
                    Bassists, it's time we talk
                    about...the problem.

          Murmurs from the crowd.

                              MARK
                    We have to stop looking bored on
                    stage. Who agrees?

          An ERUPTION OF NOISE. Those "in favor" slide up their fret
          boards (a la parliamentary cane tapping).

                              MARK
                    And who opposes?

          Those oppose SLAP.

                              MARK
                    The motion carries. Now, take a
                    look at this...

          Mark gestures to a POWERPOINT presentation showing a PICTURE
          of some HIGH SCHOOL ROCK BAND. The bass player looks bored
          as hell.

                              MARK
                    - What is this?

          Mark shows another similar picture, only of John Entwistle.

                              MARK
                    Does he even know he's in The Who?

          Mark shows more famous bass players looking bored, making
          NOISES OF DIGUST after each. Mark finally lands on Dave
          Matthews Band bassists Stefan Lessard.

                              MARK
                         (sarcastic)
                    Look here, Dave Matthews Band's
                    Stefan Lessard is bored playing in
                    front of 60,000 people!

          Angle on Stefan, still looking bored.

          Mark shows slides of "fun" bass players as he mentions them.

                              MARK
                    Some of us are doing our part.
                    Flea. Always fun to watch. Les
                    Claypool, very entertaining.
                    Chinbearded hardcore guys, great
                    stuff.

          A group of shaved head, chin bearded HARDCORE BASSISTS
          congratulate each other.

                              MARK
                    But those are the minority. To
                    change perception we just need to
                    change a few things.

          A curtain pulls back to reveal a ROCK BAND - SINGER,
          DRUMMER, GUITARIST, BASSIST. The band starts silently
          playing to a tune. The Bassists just kind of slowly bobs
          while the rest of the band is rocking out.

                              MARK
                    Can anyone see what our bassist is
                    doing wrong?

                              STEFAN
                    He's wearing his bass too low?

                              MARK
                    No. He's not moving his feet. He's
                    standing in one spot. We can't be
                    afraid to explore the stage.

          A Bassist in the crowd raises his bass.

                              BASSIST 1
                    Max Hammerton, formely of Blue42,
                    currently band-less. What if your
                    singer has given you specific
                    instruction not to go to "his"
                    area?

                              MARK
                    Nobody has an area, OK. You can
                    leave your spot.

          The Bass Player leans back and mimes talking to the drummer.

                              MARK
                    Uh oh, I see a problem here. NO
                    MORE talking to the drummer while
                    you're on stage!

          A Bassist in the crowd raises his bass.

                              BASSIST 2
                    Hi, Mark Kitley, Savage Sewer
                    Survivors. What if we need to talk
                    to the drummer about what he wants
                    to do after the show when the
                    singer and guitarist are having sex
                    with groupies?

                              MARK
                    Ugh...See, it's that kind of
                    attitude...just, don't talk to the
                    drummer onstage, OK? I don't talk
                    to Travis, onstage OR off.

          The bass player is hammering the notes on while he checks
          his phone with his other hand.

                              MARK
                    See this? This is a no no. Even if
                    you're playing a simple, repetitive
                    run, do not hammer the notes while
                    you're checking your phone! And
                    remember, when everyone else jumps
                    -

          The band members all jump/kick, as if they reached a big hit
          in the song. The bass player doesn't jump.

                              MARK
                    - YOU. JUMP. TOO.

          The Band exits to light applause.

                              MARK
                    Drummers spend the whole show
                    sitting down, but look at this -

          Mark blows through slides of famous drummers: Tommy Lee,
          Keith Moon, Ringo, etc.

                              MARK
                    They're having a blast. They're
                    sitting way in the back and they're
                    still killing it up there! Let's
                    not forget that we get paid to play
                    music in famous bands! We're living
                    the dream, guys! It shouldn't be
                    that hard to enjoy yourselves up
                    there! I mean, just look at this
                    guy...

          Mark shows a picture of himself with Blink, mid-jump/kick on
          stage.

                              MARK
                    So, what do you say?! CAN WE HAVE
                    FUN ON STAGE?!

          A LOUD CHORUS OF SLIDES UP THE FRET BOARDS and CHEERS

          End.

          TAG.

          Same setup, but it's the Lead Guitarists Convention. FAMOUS
          GUITARIST is at the podium.

                              FAMOUS GUITARIST
                    Lead guitar players, please. We
                    must stop walking to the front of
                    the stage during our solos and
                    getting blowjobs from all the hot
                    women in the crowd!

          Angle on concerned LEAD GUITARISTS murmuring.

                              FAMOUS GUITARIST
                         (breaking)
                    HA! Just kidding! Oh man, you
                    should've seen your faces!