The Blink 182 front man teaches the delicate art of giving a sh*t.
By Streeter Seidell
INT. MEETING ROOM
A giant meeting room full of BASS PLAYERS, all idly plucking
and talking. On stage a podium stands, shaped like a bass. A
Banner hung above the stage reads "The International Bass
Players Association: 'Four Strings Is All You Need!"
MARK HOPPUS stands at the podium, trying to calm the crowd.
Bassists! Bassists, please! Stop
A SHARP SLAP BASS sting. Angle on a FUNKY BASS PLAYER
(preferably Bootsy Collins)
That includes slapping.
I'm an intergalactic sex alien.
No you're not.
The crowd is quiet.
Bassists, it's time we talk
Murmurs from the crowd.
We have to stop looking bored on
stage. Who agrees?
An ERUPTION OF NOISE. Those "in favor" slide up their fret
boards (a la parliamentary cane tapping).
And who opposes?
Those oppose SLAP.
The motion carries. Now, take a
look at this...
Mark gestures to a POWERPOINT presentation showing a PICTURE
of some HIGH SCHOOL ROCK BAND. The bass player looks bored
- What is this?
Mark shows another similar picture, only of John Entwistle.
Does he even know he's in The Who?
Mark shows more famous bass players looking bored, making
NOISES OF DIGUST after each. Mark finally lands on Dave
Matthews Band bassists Stefan Lessard.
Look here, Dave Matthews Band's
Stefan Lessard is bored playing in
front of 60,000 people!
Angle on Stefan, still looking bored.
Mark shows slides of "fun" bass players as he mentions them.
Some of us are doing our part.
Flea. Always fun to watch. Les
Claypool, very entertaining.
Chinbearded hardcore guys, great
A group of shaved head, chin bearded HARDCORE BASSISTS
congratulate each other.
But those are the minority. To
change perception we just need to
change a few things.
A curtain pulls back to reveal a ROCK BAND - SINGER,
DRUMMER, GUITARIST, BASSIST. The band starts silently
playing to a tune. The Bassists just kind of slowly bobs
while the rest of the band is rocking out.
Can anyone see what our bassist is
He's wearing his bass too low?
No. He's not moving his feet. He's
standing in one spot. We can't be
afraid to explore the stage.
A Bassist in the crowd raises his bass.
Max Hammerton, formely of Blue42,
currently band-less. What if your
singer has given you specific
instruction not to go to "his"
Nobody has an area, OK. You can
leave your spot.
The Bass Player leans back and mimes talking to the drummer.
Uh oh, I see a problem here. NO
MORE talking to the drummer while
you're on stage!
A Bassist in the crowd raises his bass.
Hi, Mark Kitley, Savage Sewer
Survivors. What if we need to talk
to the drummer about what he wants
to do after the show when the
singer and guitarist are having sex
Ugh...See, it's that kind of
attitude...just, don't talk to the
drummer onstage, OK? I don't talk
to Travis, onstage OR off.
The bass player is hammering the notes on while he checks
his phone with his other hand.
See this? This is a no no. Even if
you're playing a simple, repetitive
run, do not hammer the notes while
you're checking your phone! And
remember, when everyone else jumps
The band members all jump/kick, as if they reached a big hit
in the song. The bass player doesn't jump.
- YOU. JUMP. TOO.
The Band exits to light applause.
Drummers spend the whole show
sitting down, but look at this -
Mark blows through slides of famous drummers: Tommy Lee,
Keith Moon, Ringo, etc.
They're having a blast. They're
sitting way in the back and they're
still killing it up there! Let's
not forget that we get paid to play
music in famous bands! We're living
the dream, guys! It shouldn't be
that hard to enjoy yourselves up
there! I mean, just look at this
Mark shows a picture of himself with Blink, mid-jump/kick on
So, what do you say?! CAN WE HAVE
FUN ON STAGE?!
A LOUD CHORUS OF SLIDES UP THE FRET BOARDS and CHEERS
Same setup, but it's the Lead Guitarists Convention. FAMOUS
GUITARIST is at the podium.
Lead guitar players, please. We
must stop walking to the front of
the stage during our solos and
getting blowjobs from all the hot
women in the crowd!
Angle on concerned LEAD GUITARISTS murmuring.
HA! Just kidding! Oh man, you
should've seen your faces!