The Blink 182 front man teaches the delicate art of giving a sh*t.
By Streeter Seidell
INT. MEETING ROOM A giant meeting room full of BASS PLAYERS, all idly plucking and talking. On stage a podium stands, shaped like a bass. A Banner hung above the stage reads "The International Bass Players Association: 'Four Strings Is All You Need!" MARK HOPPUS stands at the podium, trying to calm the crowd. MARK Bassists! Bassists, please! Stop plucking. A SHARP SLAP BASS sting. Angle on a FUNKY BASS PLAYER (preferably Bootsy Collins) MARK That includes slapping. BOOTSY I'm an intergalactic sex alien. MARK No you're not. The crowd is quiet. MARK Bassists, it's time we talk about...the problem. Murmurs from the crowd. MARK We have to stop looking bored on stage. Who agrees? An ERUPTION OF NOISE. Those "in favor" slide up their fret boards (a la parliamentary cane tapping). MARK And who opposes? Those oppose SLAP. MARK The motion carries. Now, take a look at this... Mark gestures to a POWERPOINT presentation showing a PICTURE of some HIGH SCHOOL ROCK BAND. The bass player looks bored as hell. MARK - What is this? Mark shows another similar picture, only of John Entwistle. MARK Does he even know he's in The Who? Mark shows more famous bass players looking bored, making NOISES OF DIGUST after each. Mark finally lands on Dave Matthews Band bassists Stefan Lessard. MARK (sarcastic) Look here, Dave Matthews Band's Stefan Lessard is bored playing in front of 60,000 people! Angle on Stefan, still looking bored. Mark shows slides of "fun" bass players as he mentions them. MARK Some of us are doing our part. Flea. Always fun to watch. Les Claypool, very entertaining. Chinbearded hardcore guys, great stuff. A group of shaved head, chin bearded HARDCORE BASSISTS congratulate each other. MARK But those are the minority. To change perception we just need to change a few things. A curtain pulls back to reveal a ROCK BAND - SINGER, DRUMMER, GUITARIST, BASSIST. The band starts silently playing to a tune. The Bassists just kind of slowly bobs while the rest of the band is rocking out. MARK Can anyone see what our bassist is doing wrong? STEFAN He's wearing his bass too low? MARK No. He's not moving his feet. He's standing in one spot. We can't be afraid to explore the stage. A Bassist in the crowd raises his bass. BASSIST 1 Max Hammerton, formely of Blue42, currently band-less. What if your singer has given you specific instruction not to go to "his" area? MARK Nobody has an area, OK. You can leave your spot. The Bass Player leans back and mimes talking to the drummer. MARK Uh oh, I see a problem here. NO MORE talking to the drummer while you're on stage! A Bassist in the crowd raises his bass. BASSIST 2 Hi, Mark Kitley, Savage Sewer Survivors. What if we need to talk to the drummer about what he wants to do after the show when the singer and guitarist are having sex with groupies? MARK Ugh...See, it's that kind of attitude...just, don't talk to the drummer onstage, OK? I don't talk to Travis, onstage OR off. The bass player is hammering the notes on while he checks his phone with his other hand. MARK See this? This is a no no. Even if you're playing a simple, repetitive run, do not hammer the notes while you're checking your phone! And remember, when everyone else jumps - The band members all jump/kick, as if they reached a big hit in the song. The bass player doesn't jump. MARK - YOU. JUMP. TOO. The Band exits to light applause. MARK Drummers spend the whole show sitting down, but look at this - Mark blows through slides of famous drummers: Tommy Lee, Keith Moon, Ringo, etc. MARK They're having a blast. They're sitting way in the back and they're still killing it up there! Let's not forget that we get paid to play music in famous bands! We're living the dream, guys! It shouldn't be that hard to enjoy yourselves up there! I mean, just look at this guy... Mark shows a picture of himself with Blink, mid-jump/kick on stage. MARK So, what do you say?! CAN WE HAVE FUN ON STAGE?! A LOUD CHORUS OF SLIDES UP THE FRET BOARDS and CHEERS End. TAG. Same setup, but it's the Lead Guitarists Convention. FAMOUS GUITARIST is at the podium. FAMOUS GUITARIST Lead guitar players, please. We must stop walking to the front of the stage during our solos and getting blowjobs from all the hot women in the crowd! Angle on concerned LEAD GUITARISTS murmuring. FAMOUS GUITARIST (breaking) HA! Just kidding! Oh man, you should've seen your faces!