Teenage Polar Bear Cam

By

Kevin Corrigan & Streeter Seidell

          In the style of a live, streaming zoo web cam. Lower-third
          displays "San Diego Zoo Live Polar Bear Cam".

          EXT. ZOO ENCLOSURE

          An adolescent POLAR BEAR CUB begins pawing at a red ball.
          She notices the camera and walks towards it. She starts to
          dance, seductively, turning around and putting her butt in
          the air. She's mid-sexy-dance move when POLAR BEAR DAD
          wanders into the background with a salmon in his mouth. He
          sees her and drops it, shocked.

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    What the hell do you think you're
                    doing?

          Cub tries to hide the ball.

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    Nothing!

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    Oh my God, and are you broadcasting
                    this on the Internet?

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    No!

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    You don't even know who's watching!
                    It could be hunters! Or middle-aged
                    women! Someone could be recording
                    this!

          He gets in front of the camera, addresses it.

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    This bear is a teenager! Do you
                    understand? Her mother is still
                    teaching her how to forage!

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    Dad! You're embarrassing me.

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    You think this is embarrassing?
                    It's gonna be embarrassing 10 years
                    from now when you're trying to
                    transfer to a nature preserve and
                    they see this.

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    Stop it! It's fine.

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    You think this is how you're going
                    to find a mate? Why can't you
                    attract other bears with your urine
                    markings, and then let them fight
                    for dominance like a normal bear?

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    Leave me alone!

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    You know I wanted to kill and eat
                    you, but your mother was too good
                    at defending you.

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    Don't say that daddy.

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    It's true. I could've spent two
                    more weeks hibernating if I ate
                    you.

          Polar bear cub starts crying. POLAR BEAR MOM enters.

                              POLAR BEAR MOM
                    What's going on over here?

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    Just your daughter parading herself
                    around like she's in a Coca Cola
                    ad.

                              POLAR BEAR MOM
                    Don't you talk to her like that.

                              POLAR BEAR DAD
                    I'm just calling it like I see it.

                              POLAR BEAR MOM
                    No. You go back to your cave. You
                    go back to your cave, and leave her
                    alone.

                              POLAR BEAR CUB
                    Fine. I'll do that, and leave the
                    parenting to you, because that's
                    worked so well so far.

          He leaves. Cub still crying.

                              POLAR BEAR MOM
                    Asshole. (beat) How do you turn
                    this thing off.

          Polar Bear Mom begins swatting at camera, interspersed with
          biting until it breaks and goes black. 

                                                           CUT TO

          A ZEBRA is watching the video on a laptop. ANOTHER ZEBRA
          walks by and catches him.

                              ANOTHER ZEBRA
                    Ugh! That's DISGUSTING.

                              ZEBRA
                    Whatever, I like bear porn.