Your local zoo presents a live glimpse of nature at its most dysfunctional.
By Kevin Corrigan & Streeter Seidell
In the style of a live, streaming zoo web cam. Lower-third displays "San Diego Zoo Live Polar Bear Cam". EXT. ZOO ENCLOSURE An adolescent POLAR BEAR CUB begins pawing at a red ball. She notices the camera and walks towards it. She starts to dance, seductively, turning around and putting her butt in the air. She's mid-sexy-dance move when POLAR BEAR DAD wanders into the background with a salmon in his mouth. He sees her and drops it, shocked. POLAR BEAR DAD What the hell do you think you're doing? Cub tries to hide the ball. POLAR BEAR CUB Nothing! POLAR BEAR DAD Oh my God, and are you broadcasting this on the Internet? POLAR BEAR CUB No! POLAR BEAR DAD You don't even know who's watching! It could be hunters! Or middle-aged women! Someone could be recording this! He gets in front of the camera, addresses it. POLAR BEAR DAD This bear is a teenager! Do you understand? Her mother is still teaching her how to forage! POLAR BEAR CUB Dad! You're embarrassing me. POLAR BEAR DAD You think this is embarrassing? It's gonna be embarrassing 10 years from now when you're trying to transfer to a nature preserve and they see this. POLAR BEAR CUB Stop it! It's fine. POLAR BEAR DAD You think this is how you're going to find a mate? Why can't you attract other bears with your urine markings, and then let them fight for dominance like a normal bear? POLAR BEAR CUB Leave me alone! POLAR BEAR DAD You know I wanted to kill and eat you, but your mother was too good at defending you. POLAR BEAR CUB Don't say that daddy. POLAR BEAR DAD It's true. I could've spent two more weeks hibernating if I ate you. Polar bear cub starts crying. POLAR BEAR MOM enters. POLAR BEAR MOM What's going on over here? POLAR BEAR DAD Just your daughter parading herself around like she's in a Coca Cola ad. POLAR BEAR MOM Don't you talk to her like that. POLAR BEAR DAD I'm just calling it like I see it. POLAR BEAR MOM No. You go back to your cave. You go back to your cave, and leave her alone. POLAR BEAR CUB Fine. I'll do that, and leave the parenting to you, because that's worked so well so far. He leaves. Cub still crying. POLAR BEAR MOM Asshole. (beat) How do you turn this thing off. Polar Bear Mom begins swatting at camera, interspersed with biting until it breaks and goes black. CUT TO A ZEBRA is watching the video on a laptop. ANOTHER ZEBRA walks by and catches him. ANOTHER ZEBRA Ugh! That's DISGUSTING. ZEBRA Whatever, I like bear porn.