There are no bad ideas, just weird ones.
By CH Writing Staff
INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY DAN, PATRICK, EMILY, JENNY, MURPH, and OWEN sit around. PATRICK All right, we need to come up with a big idea to kick off the summer. We've been here for three hours and all I have written down is the phrase "Two Scoops?" and a hastily-drawn picture of what appears to be an owl farting, and I don't remember what either means. EMILY All right, I'm just spitballing here... but, what if instead of Batman and Catwoman, it was like, Catman and Batwoman. I dunno. MURPH No, that's a thing- again, just spitballing here, but he could have a catchphrase after he nabs a bad guy, like, "That's How Catman Do!" PATRICK Okay, I'm just eyeballing here, but- (pouring rum into a drink in a COCKTAIL GLASS) I THINK this is the amount of rum that goes in a Dark 'n' Stormy. EMILY Guys, I'm just highballing here, but- (holding up THAT COCKTAIL, in a drunk 1920s high society voice) My stars, Mr. Blackwell, I haven't had a roll in the hay like that since my childhood pony Abigail had a bout of apoplexy! MURPH I'm just lowballing here, but- (as if making a shrewd deal) -my final offer is fifteen dollars for that house! DAN I'm just sleazeballing here, but Jenny, how 'bout I stick two bone dry fingies in yo' stank-hole and call you my buttpuppet? OWEN Let me just keep sleazeballing here in response to that, and say- (retarded voice, flicking tongue, tossin' up SHOCKERS) OoOoOoOoOoOh YeEeEaAaAhHh! JENNY Alright, I'm just cheeseballing here, but- (really genuine) -that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. PATRICK I'm just hardballing here, but- (dead serious, to Dan) -if you don't come up with an idea soon, your affair with that window washer's gonna be PLASTERED ACROSS THE FRONT PAGE OF THE NY POST. OWEN I'm just Powerballing here, but- (drawing a NUMBERED BALL FROM A TRANSPARENT BOWL) the next ball up... IS TWELVE! EVERYBODY Ah, shit! DAN Guys, I'm just freeballing here, but- (pulls boxers out of his pants, slams on them on the table, leans back relaxed) AHH-ahh, yeah, that's nice. JENNY (JERKING OFF DAN UNDER THE TABLE) Hey, I'm just blueballing here, but- Jenny WITHDRAWS HER HANDS and CROSSES THEM OVER HER CHEST. DAN (pained/pathetic) Nooooo! Don't stooooop! EMILY I'm just hairballing here, but- (as if coughing up a hairball) EEEIIIIIIKKKKTTTTHHHH! OWEN I'm just eightballing here, but- Owen SNORTS A LINE OF COKE. JENNY I'm just skeeballing here, but- Jenny SPEED-ROLLS a SKEEBALL across the table. Somebody frantically DUCKS to avoid it. PATRICK I'm just meatballing here, but- Patrick SLAPS A SAUCE-COVERED MEATBALL DOWN ON THE TABLE. EMILY I'm just Cinderella's Ball-ing here, but- (looking at her WATCH) OH NO! Emily TURNS INTO A PUMPKIN. MURPH I'm just snowballing here, but- (starting MEASURED and growing FRANTIC/UPSET) -sometimes it feels like we start with some normal, harmless brainstorm, and it just gets bigger, and bigger, and crazier, and out of control, and it's just like, I don't even know what's happening anymore because everything is so FUCKING CRAZY and I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT CATMAN AND BATWOMAN and I thought "CATMAN DO" was a PRETTY GOOD JOKE but NOBODY CARES 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF DAMN WILD ANIMALS! YOU'RE FOOLS! Long, awkward beat. PATRICK Oooh! Guys, the farting owl was a biting allegory for Romney's failed tax policies. EVERYONE Oooh yeaaahh! END.